Easier To Run By Linkin Park (Life Of An An Adult Abused As A Child)

As many don’t know, Chester Bennington of Linkin Park, also known as the guy who does the screaming in their songs was sexually abused for many years. This song describes what we survivors go through.

When They Say Healing Yourself, Is Redefining Yourself: It’s no joke.

   

I always kind of wondered what that meant, when I was first diagnosed, I didn’t even know what PTSD stood for, nor did I know what it was. The girl said I know what you are going through its called PTSD and EMDR can help you overcome it. So I began therapy shortly after and was miserable still, started EMDR and it always made it worse, which I come to find out, if you aren’t at the right stage of healing or if it isn’t done properly it can actually make you worse. Well I’m pretty sure that is what happened with me, because I would have a session, feel okay when I left, and then a couple days later I would be worse than I was to begin with. And it became a very vicious cycle. So finally, I kicked EMDR as a whole and began seeing a new therapist, doing talk therapy which helped but I saw the one on the EMDR kick for almost a year. But you read all over, after trauma you have to redefine your life and what it is about. I would read that all of the time and be like what? I know who I am, I know what I have gone through, and most of all I know it has sucked. It’s left me dealing with PTSD, and before that with a lot of built up pain, confusion and anger. But I wasn’t quite getting it. But now that I hit rock bottom and then things suddenly started coming together I realize I wasn’t going to get it until I got to that part of my recovery. You will always be saddened by the loss of a childhood, good parenting and your innocence. But when you reach the point to where everything FINALLY makes sense, its like, WOW! That’s what they meant by that. Finally you can put things into proper perspective, things start to make sense. You can put blame and responsibility there, anger here, grief and sadness there. You finally realize where everything belongs and whose shoulders it sits on, after so long of believing and feeling as if it sat on yours.

Now I don’t really give much credit to therapy it was nice to be reassured  but it almost seems to me like it took time. No one wants to hear that, but I didn’t have much support, nor was I ready to talk to many people. So I isolated and at times only relied on myself because once again, I pretty much have always had to do that. But I would have to say, just like my 1st therapist who wrote on a sticky note one day when I said “I just wanna know how long this will take!” she replied with, “It takes as long as it takes” and wrote it down for me, I still have it. Those words are so true. I also have a background that says, You cannot heal a lifetime of pain overnight, be patient with yourself, it takes as long as it takes to rebuild yourself. Those words CANNOT be any truer. If you went through a lot of pain for many years, you can’t expect it all to heal overnight. But to get to the point of the post…

Okay, many people including me probably get scared or nervous when they say you have to redefine yourself, I even got nervous when they would talk about subconscious stuff, because I was like, what? I knew what I went through, I know who I am, but I just didn’t want any surprises. But your baseline stuff will stay the same, your gender, race, sexual orientation, hair color, and so on and so forth, no need to worry there. But what they mean by redefine yourself, they mean the following:

• If you were never loved as a child, then you don’t know how to be loved, you don’t know how to accept love, you don’t even know if it is true. And if you don’t know how to accept it, then guess what? You can’t give it either. You have to learn to be loved and give love. Which is vital for humans to experience, it makes life worth living and all of those big special moments in life, aka marriage, having children, etc..
• Trust: If you were abused as a kid, or in and out of your home, maybe raped as an adolescent or something, you lose the sense of trust. In my case, I can’t recall a time when I have really trusted anyone. I thought I did, but looking back I was always skeptical of everyone. No hyper vigilant like with PTSD, just weary of them. Thinking I knew how it was to be hurt all too well by people who should care, so if you say you love me or care then I’ll be prepared to be hurt sooner or later. You become to realize when you are further in the healing process like I have just reached, that you notice how important it is to have close relationships, where trust is kept and important, not just tossed around. And you realize how vital it is as humans to be able to trust those who are trustworthy and also be trusted ourselves.
• You have to redefine how you see things, and that kind of comes together in time, but when that happens and those negative emotions and feelings can be put into check, or placed in the proper places, then that’s when the PTSD stops running your life. You know you are or aren’t safe. You know you are capable of keeping yourself safe, unlike when you were a helpless child. You know you aren’t and never were weak, but strong to confront the hurt that lies so deep, to get things under control and understood to live a healthy, enjoyable life that isn’t tainted by the poor choices of others years ago. You begin to see that everything you are or were hyper vigilant of with PTSD, are simply safety mechanisms, your brain says, whoaaa people of that sex, or race are dangerous, remember what happened when you were a kid, when it is actually stuck in  safety mode using past references from times when you were helpless as references. It really can make you feel crazy. It’s like knowing you are safe and capable but yet your brain trips as if there is some real threat, and you go along for the ride because of the adrenaline and hormones released, and sure enough your brain and body has a way of making it seem like a real threat so its scary. And every time that stimuli triggers that response it gets more and more en-grained and becomes your “normal” response. And will continue to control until you’re far enough in your healing process to reclaim your life and sense of safety in the world aside from your past hurts.
• And last but not least, traumas, such as abuse, rape, domestic violence, instability in childhood, lack of parenting, all of that stuff is traumatic to children and adolescents. They take a huge toll on your self worth, your self image and self esteem. You begin to feel only good for sex, or sex=love, you begin to feel you’re dirty or different, that you don’t fit in, you aren’t worthy of love if you were your parents would have loved you, and taken care of you, that you are weak, not manly enough, drowned in the world of stigmatization, and all of the myths that go along with the different events. But once you reclaim your life from those negative events, those things that hurt you so badly, because other people were selfish, sick, or made poor choices, you can begin to redefine your purpose in life, your self worth, esteem and image and know it WASN’T you, it WAS them.

I really hope this helps some of you and spread the word!

Stay blessed!

I Was Abused, Victimized, Does That Mean I Am Still A Real Man? Yes, it does!

“When you come to the edge of all the light you have, and must take a step into the darkness of the unknown, believe that one of two things will happen. Either there will be something solid for you to stand on – or you will be taught how to fly.”

About that time the disciples came to Jesus and asked, “Who is greatest in the Kingdom of Heaven?” Jesus called a little child to him and put the child among them. Then he said, “I tell you the truth, unless you turn from your sins and become like little children, you will never get into the Kingdom of Heaven. So anyone who becomes as humble as this little child is the greatest in the Kingdom of Heaven. –Matthew 18:1

One thing I have noticed by many books I have read, about sexually abused children, and how it affects them as adults is, their fight or battle for finding authenticity. It doesn’t matter if you were 2 or 14, abuse is abuse. Some say the damage is worse the younger the victim and that may be true just due to lack of knowledge on topics such as sex, human sexuality and so on. Because young children toddlers and up until the age of maybe 8-10 kids don’t know a whole lot about sex, who goes with who, what is right and what is wrong, unless they have been taught that, but then again at a young age, parents normally don’t cross those bridges quite yet. So it is left up to children to figure it out on their own, by learning as they go, and abuse sometimes complicates that. It adds confusion as to what is love and real intimacy, as to who you can trust and if you do what they will expect and worse yet to try to figure out, what in the world happened to you when you were abused. Especially because the human sexual organs are made to where certain touches or gestures feel good and cause arousal for both boys and girls, so you aren’t sure what to make of the abuse either, because it could have felt good. Which causes more secondary wounding sometimes, because kids act out what they are taught or what they know, like if a kid hears an adult swear, he/she may copy, same as if they are touched inappropriately, they don’t know it isn’t right to do, so they may repeat what was done to them or have others do to them what was done to them originally. Which adds to the confusion because not only was it done to you, now you’re trying to make sense by repeating it, but children don’t have any other choice if they aren’t given proper help following incidents, especially if adults never knew about it. But I stress, I have read numerous books, and websites and acting out to try to make sense of the event is TOTALLY normal. And for a long time I thought I was so different because I acted out following my abuse, with both sexes. With 3 or 4 girls and 2 boys. It only happened one time, per peer, so they were isolated incidents with each of the 5 or 6, but it was enough to make me feel even worse as a person. Let me remind you, I was between the ages of  approx. 5-8 when the acting out took place, so I was still a very young child. Lacking knowledge and experience in life, especially things of that nature.

Now certain things are normal for different age groups, I’ve read on legitimate websites that, touching, looking at, and even rubbing your privates on peers when being children of certain age groups is normal, which all goes into curiosity. I included a website to refer to also. But we get into trouble and abuse should, SHOULD, should be looked into when the line is crossed, when it goes from normal touching, rubbing or looking into taking part in adult like sexual activities.

But back to the meaning of this post, not that, those things I discussed previously aren’t important, because they are. But a huge issue for men, who were abused as children, whether by male or female, and regardless of acting out, is whether or not we are REAL men. Because society tells us, men are submissive, we are in control, we always want sex, and should know everything, boys don’t do things with other boys, and girls don’t do things with other girls. Which sexual abuse goes against all of that, and complicates the views that society gives us. Well, society is wrong. As we all know society is wrong in a lot of areas already, it is in this one also. You can be a real man, you can be a great father, doctor, pastor, counselor, friend. You can do all of those things, now it may take a while to heal from the pain of your childhood as I have come to learn quite well. But there is hope and healing is possible. You didn’t know what was right or wrong when you were young and taken advantage of. Your innocent taken from you like a thief in the night. (In my case, it was night) It is a slow process, you didn’t get hurt and all of that pain built up overnight, its taken years to break you down, it will take months or years to get it into proper perspective aside from all of the confusion and misconceptions the abuse caused, don’t lose hope and faith. I was close to losing both. I wondered a lot if things would ever make sense, if people actually care and could be trusted, I was contemplating getting a gun, it was a nice gun, but just in case I ever decided I wanted to end it. Which not too long ago I thought about daily and way more than once. It brought me down to balling my eyes out multiple times, calling the church I had stopped going to, hence me losing faith or hope, crying on the phone with the pastor, saying I needed help or this (the PTSD)  was going to kill me, I went to church this past Sunday, and balled again, knowing and realizing people do care and are willing to help, they will talk with you, they do love you, and don’t want anything from you, no ulterior motives, they won’t abuse you or take advantage and that trust isn’t totally hopeless either.  And I prayed and they prayed and I’m not done yet, the pastor is setting me up with a program to continue my healing, but since then so much, and I mean huge amounts of stuff has started to get into the right perspective, the blame, the responsibility, where it belongs or belonged, different things that took place when I was a child has started to make sense and for so long now it hasn’t. And I plan to continue writing blogs, to heal myself and to help others. When you keep everything in, like PTSD can cause you to do, it wants you to isolate, just like the devil does, they both don’t want you happy. Even if you don’t have PTSD, abuse and similar experiences aren’t exactly something you like to open up about in fear of judgement and in fear of losing people, but if they truly care, they will be there to listen, to allow you to cry on their shoulder and they won’t leave. If they leave when times are hard they were never there for you or true in the beginning. Think about it, if someone came to you hurt and upset about the same things you have gone through, would you push them aside or what would you tell them? Or do for them? You would more than likely listen, talk, give advice or help them get well. Well you deserve the same exact thing and nothing less. Believe it! This is your life and you are worth it, you are worth it to heal, grow, become whole, and to help others. And one day you’ll rejoice about it. 

Luke 8:43-48

43 A woman in the crowd had suffered for twelve years with constant bleeding,[a] and she could find no cure. 44 Coming up behind Jesus, she touched the fringe of his robe. Immediately, the bleeding stopped. 45 “Who touched me?” Jesus asked. Everyone denied it, and Peter said, “Master, this whole crowd is pressing up against you.”46 But Jesus said, “Someone deliberately touched me, for I felt healing power go out from me.” 47 When the woman realized that she could not stay hidden, she began to tremble and fell to her knees in front of him. The whole crowd heard her explain why she had touched him and that she had been immediately healed. 48 “Daughter,” he said to her, “your faith has made you well. Go in peace.”

Even Though I Seemed Okay Most Of My Life; I’ve Always Felt Damaged Inside

I can remember back, following the abuse, and going to foster care a few times, the acting out, and all of the negative around me, I was never really happy with myself and always felt damaged. If I wasn’t, then why didn’t my parents want to take care of me and love me? If I wasn’t then why was I abused? Why, did I develop OCD tendencies like lining things up and checking doors to make sure they were locked numerous times? I even almost had an eating disorder as a young child, because I thought eating was bad for you because some stuff was unhealthy and I was afraid I would die. Normal childhood worries, right? Didn’t think so.

I now realize the tendencies were a defense mechanism, and myself trying to gain control of SOMETHING since the world around me was nothing but pure chaos, and far from in control of anyone at all.

In and out of counseling but no one ever told the counselors about the abuse or anything and as a kid, I didn’t know I was supposed to. It wasn’t always fresh in my mind as a young kid, as far as I knew it was normal. So it went on as a mystery as of why at 5 or 6 I had horrible anger issues, I’d hit pets, I was destructive, I was smoking cigarettes at a very young age, in and out of counseling I went. At around 10-11, was the first time I self harmed. I took a cigarette and burnt my arm playing a “game”, and I went on to burn a smiley face into my right forearm, a sign of real happiness huh? Or maybe it was because I wanted so bad to be happy, but didn’t realize how bad I was hurting or even where to start. Yeah, I think that’s it. But I continued to smoke, daily, even up to a pack a day sometimes. I finally stopped that habit at 14, cold turkey. I realized I didn’t want to die before my parents, why would I put that kind of burden on them. So I quit.

At 15 or 16 though, after first being introduced to pornography as a young child by older kids around the neighborhood in Kentucky, I began an addiction to pornography, it was a coping mechanism for my insecurities I had and the damage done by the abuse. From 16 for a matter of years it continued, off and on. I mean after all, isn’t that all life is about? Sex. Because as far as I knew it was. It felt good, seeing naked women was nice, I mean the world revolves around sex, right? I’m beginning to realize now, no, it doesn’t and the cycle has to stop. Those were false beliefs instilled in me by that babysitter and my parents when I was a young boy.

So self harm, I wasn’t quite done with it. But in between I became almost like a hypochondriac, I thought I was going to die young. I was worried about cancer, and everything else under the sun, I went to the doctor over and over thinking I had something wrong with my private area, now only to figure out by research and therapy is it is normal for kids and teens to think those things after being a victim of abuse. You feel dirty or broken. Used and abused. So the torment went on and on. At the age of 16, I began cutting myself with razor blades, not because I wanted to die, but because then I felt something. Mainly on my wrists, not just one but both. I am left handed, so my right one got it the worst. I even carved initials of 2 girlfriends into my skin, because I wanted to be loved and not left. It didn’t work, but I was trying to show them I cared about them a lot. I wish I wouldn’t have. I still bare the scars. Pain meant I was alive, and just maybe there was meaning for me. People thought I was doing it for attention but boy they would probably be surprised if they read my blog to see just what I went through. But that will happen when we live in such a self centered world. That continued for like 3 or 4 months, I was in the hospital twice for that, but once again no one hit on past sexual abuse, not once. Or maybe I would have begun healing back then. That would have been nice.

The self harm stopped there, I had another stage where I worried about my health, and when my stress level lowered that went away. But then when I was like 20 I moved back to Ohio from Wisconsin, and began working out. Obsessively. Daily, maybe more than once a day for like almost 2.5 years. I bulked up, I was always like 145 in school, but I got up to like 175 in 6 or 8 months. It was insane, it felt good, I looked good, I got a lot of attention from girls, but inside I still felt damaged, broken, vulnerable, which is why I took up such a hyper masculine hobby,  but I tried lifting before, but I was lazy and never stuck with it. I still work out, and want to be built but its to look good, and be healthy. Different motives. When I was doing it then, it didn’t matter how tired I was or how hard I worked at my job, I would spend like 2-3 hours in the gym a night. Not including hobbies like softball with the FD, and beach volleyball, and late night drinking while playing volleyball, all just to go to bed late and wake up a few hours later to do it all over again. Add like 24-36 more hours into the equation from my job on the ambulance I was working 70-90 hours a week, and doing all of the hobbies, which led to me finally having a week of for vacation and I didn’t go to Myrtle Beach like I had planned, I just wanted to stay home and rest. That is when PTSD introduced itself and from there on out, it’s been a ride. A lot of ups and downs, I was close to suicide many times. But finally things seem to be coming together and I hope its true. I’m not done doing work quite yet, but I’m feeling better than I have in quite some time and a lot that never made sense ever, or in the past year and a half seem to be coming together to make sense. But this post describes just how the abuse and feeling damage had affected me.

I hope this helps someone, that is what all of my posts are meant to do, or at least make someone else feel like they belong or aren’t damaged, that you aren’t alone.

An Update Of Recent Things That Have Come To My Attention:

As most of you who follow my blog know, I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, neglect, abandonment, I was in foster care 3 times between the ages of 4 and 10 for a total of like 5 years or so, I’ve witnessed both parents attempt suicide, witnessed numerous accounts of domestic violence, my parents with one another and with others while they were apart engage in sexual situations, sometimes just feet from us kids, if I sat here and went on and on I’m sure I could come up with many other things that would be disturbing to a child or maybe even an adult. I was also never gotten any help as a child after the sexual abuse by a female babysitter when I was just 3 or 4 years old, I acted out with other kids, trying to make sense of what happened to me, I had anger issues as a young kid that aren’t normal for someone of that age without good reason, I was actually put into a hospital for my anger twice for 3 weeks at a time, and not one professional or caregiver mentioned or even thought of sexual abuse, which is a tall tale sign of sexual abuse in children. Nope, not one. And as a child you don’t know what to talk about with therapists nor do you even know what their job is. Its again the adults job, just like taking care of and keeping the children safe, is also their responsibility. In which, the ball was dropped, time and time again, and I suffered time and time again and still am. But I have said all of that in different ways in some of my other posts so I want to expand on what I have been noticing in the year and a half that I have been recovering from my nervous breakdown which was actually Delayed Onset PTSD cutting through the surface years later to show me exactly how screwed up my life really was. So HERE. WE. GO….

I have noticed, I have suffered different body sensations since the abuse, which I never really connected to that abuse, at all. But it haunts me, to prove it. I can’t wear jeans, I was wearing them at the time I was abused. (And to clarify on the abuse, she fondled me, while I was clothed, and then put her hand in my pants and eventually performed oral sex, ON A 3 OR 4 YEAR OLD CHILD) while my brother who is a year and a half younger than me slept in the same bed next to me. Which who knows, its never really been talked about, but it could have affected him too, I’m not sure if he even woke up or even understood with him being so young, because I didn’t even know what was going on. But ever since, I have never been able to wear anything remotely tight in that area of that material, another example is, of snowsuits children wear to play out in the snow, I would get a body sensation in that area, that made me uncomfortable while wearing the suit, almost because I was frustrated, because of how it fit on top of other clothing, it was too tight. Which is similar to the abuse experience. But to move on to further explanations I think I took care of that one pretty well. But to clarify it still affects me 21+ years later.

But I get that sensation sometimes when I get frustrated or feel helpless about anything in daily life, its almost like that is the sensation, that was seered into my brain, for it to respond to helplessness or frustration in that manner. I guess trauma can do that to you. I hope and pray that, that can be changed.

The PTSD has also affected my relationships with pretty much everyone. I feel emotionally numb or like I have no “feel good” feelings or if I am feeling good, I think it must be too good to be true, or that something bad is going to happen. I used to be so happy most of the time, I loved my job as an EMT, and also as a volunteer firefighter. But even now the stress and things you see working on the ambulance or when responding on a fire truck to assist in whatever the needs are, can trigger me. Either in what I see or hear, or because of the patients situation or I feel like I’m in a vulnerable situation that my brain trips the fight or flight response because it’s trying to prevent something that could hurt me like in the past. So I believe it is time for me to begin looking or seeking another career very soon.

Sex = Love?

For so long in my late teens and early twenties I thought sex = love. If I was dating a woman and we fought, I thought sex would make it all better. If I was friends with benefits with people who had interest in seeking a relationship, I thought that was good enough. I thought sex made everything okay, it was intimacy, it was love, but now from working through my past as a child I’m beginning to realize there is so much more to love than sex. People can be in love and not have sex for a very long time or ever, now that could be conflicted if you’re with someone who has similar issues and false beliefs. And not only did I think having sex made everything better, but I thought as long as you are good at sex, then nothing else mattered. Now, I am seeing I was far from right, but it took a year and a half of looking into my past and realizing I was wrong all along. I can thank the abuse, acting out, my parents fighting and then making up by having sex and probably many other dysfunctions in my childhood.

Everyone Is Out To Get You, Right?

In my close relationships growing up, I have noticed a trend. A lack of trust in others, before noticing how the past had an effect on me, I noticed, I didn’t trust people, especially ones who got or wanted to be close to me. I always thought my girlfriends were going to cheat on me, or were always lying. And sometimes I picked girls I thought I could save from their problems, and ended up being cheated on or hurt. So it proved my beliefs to be right, that you couldn’t trust people especially ones who were closest to you. But that belief was put into place by my parents, and us being in foster care so much, seeing infidelity in our household and domestic violence, you pick up on what is around you when you’re a child and that’s the perspective you have of the world. And even non intimate relationships, once I was diagnosed with PTSD, I started being on guard, always thinking anyone and everyone had ulterior motives and they just wanted to hurt me, victimize me in some way, somehow. Which led to me isolating and shutting everyone out, because to my brain, it was trying to process past traumas and as far as it knew, everyone was a danger and could harm me or try to take advantage of me. I’m beginning to learn, that isn’t true, and the less attention I pay to my brain sending those signals of danger, the more I can stay grounded and focus on being happy and the great people I surround myself with who do care. Because the PTSD, causes you to feel like the small helpless child you were back when you were hurt, and you have to realize over and over again, you are grown now and able to keep yourself safe. Maybe not ALL the time, but more likely than not. And hopefully the hypervigilance and the need to scan my environment and try to pick out things that might be dangerous, because of my childhood will slowly continue to become less and less aggressive.

I’m going to close this post for now, I am going to add a few more posts following this one to explain other things I have noticed which have helped fuel the PTSD.

Thank you for reading and I hope this helps someone.

Raising Your Hand For Help, And Being Told To Put It Down

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. –Psalm 147:3

He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” –Revelation 21:4

He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, so that we might die to sins and live for righteousness; by his wounds you have been healed. –1 Peter 2:24

As you all know if you have read my blog, my life has been far from perfect and filled with trauma after trauma and many struggles due to the chaos I endured. But I am here to say, I post about these things to help others, my healing journey began 15-20 years after most of my traumas and so I know how difficult it can be and healing is a JOURNEY, it does not happen overnight, just like the damage wasn’t done overnight either. So, as I blog, and help others, I am still healing myself. It is not for sympathy or for people to come to my rescue, I have God on my side, and this is my calling from Him and a part of His plan, for me to take my struggles and pain and help others.

So, since I addressed that particular subject I want to focus on something quite a bit different in this post. I don’t want to keep you waiting too long so I’ll let you know now. This post will be regarding everyone who has endured traumatic experiences at a young age, whether it be abuse of some sort, domestic violence, or anything else, who realized after the fact as they gained more knowledge that something was wrong or shouldn’t have happened and did, reached out, just to be told, “Oh, that’s normal” or just shot down completely like what they were addressing wasn’t important or wasn’t worthy of assisting them in getting help.

I’ll start off by throwing my experiences out there and then expand, but I am sure some or many of you who are reading this will be able to relate.

At the age of 3 or 4 I was sexually abused by a female babysitter, in which I remembered, told my parents after the fact and was never put into counseling or anything. As far as they were concerned, their drinking was more important and the abuse was normal. So that was one instance and at that age telling them was about all I could do. So no counseling for that particular trauma so I remembered it, the feelings of what happened and the mixed emotions of helplessness but also, as a human, those kinds of touches stimulate parts of your body that physiologically are meant and supposed to feel good. Now I cant stress enough, that DOES NOT mean you enjoyed the abuse; it strictly is a natural reaction that occurs in the human body when stimulated.

So, that trauma was never addressed and I was never helped, so my brain was not developed in that area yet and I didn’t have the education required to understand it. Although I had reached out for help doing as much as I could or knew to at the time, which was falling back on those who were supposed to keep me safe and help me in times of need.

So that abuse occurred at the age of 3 or 4 which had affected me, but what I am about to discuss has affected me so much more than the pain and suffering I endured because of my abuse. As a young child brought up in a household filled with drugs, alcohol, abuse, domestic violence, neglect, and anything else you can think of, there was not much guidance or support by our parents, they shouldn’t have been and were not prepared to bring children into the chaotic lives they had already endured but they did; and through all of the pain and suffering for that I am grateful, because if not I may not be here today. And knowing that God knew me before I took one breath on this earth, before I blinked or took a step He knew what I would endure, He knew every struggle, pain, and event that would wound my being, but He also knew that in His timing, He would cleanse me of those hurts, soften my heart that had been hardened and give me His strength to endure the healing process and not to lean on my own understanding but have faith in trust in His promises and His goodness and the plan He has for me.

So this next aspect of my trauma, still to this day has a hold on me, not like it did in the past weeks, months, or years because I have been doing my work and have a better understanding regarding it. But the aspect would be that of, being abused and then in the next months or years proceeding the abuse after being denied help or assistance and lacking proper knowledge and education on the topic of sex, was reenacting the abuse with other kids my age at the time. It was a few incidents, always isolated incidents per person, both boys and girls,  but nonetheless they still occurred. Which if you read about child sexual abuse it is common for kids to reenact all kinds of different things that occur to them, either in them doing them or having others do them. Or both. Just like if you hear your parents swear, or throw something, you may see that and do the same thing in your own behavior because as far you know its normal and just what you do, its how kids learn.  And from a young age I was like the only one responsible in our household, even when I shouldn’t have been so the fact that, that occurred and even though I know and realize I wasn’t responsible because I didn’t have the proper knowledge it still kills me and I have still felt responsible. And knowing the fact that I reached out to my parents regarding my abuse and they never got me help and that could have prevented anything else from happening but all a kid can do is reach out, they cant help themselves too. That’s where the responsibility lies, not on the child who was abused.

So after the acting out took place with other kids between the ages of 6 and 8 or around that time, it didn’t cause any anxiety or bother me because I didn’t have the knowledge to know what took place wasn’t right. But in the years following what took place, I began to remember what took place and since I had more knowledge and education I realized what took place wasn’t right and should have never happened. So I went to my mother and told her what had taken place and her reply was “Oh, that’s normal, kids experiment” which in a sense she was right, there is a sense of curiosity all kids obtain from being human, but there is a line you can cross from normal experimentation of looking, touching and such to more adult like sexual acts and kids not having a way of knowing that knowledge unless they were abused or introduced to it someway somehow. So my whole life from the age of like 6 or 7 until 23 when I was diagnosed with CPTSD I had thought what happened was experimenting and normal for kids, and every time it would come up on occasion and trigger anxiety I would bury it and reaffirm what my mother told me, which was it was normal and experimenting. Because once again I fell back on those who were supposed to know and support and protect me, and I was mislead once again.

So I have carried an extreme sense of over responsibility my whole life, about things that didn’t belong to me, but since no one else who should have been responsible would claim it, and me being the “mature” one in the house I took all of the responsibility and blame. It wasn’t mine to bear, but in my eyes someone had to be responsible so like many other abuse victims I found it easier to blame myself than it was put the blame where it belonged. No kid wants to believe their parents are unfit or bad, if you see it that way and accept that at a young age, wouldn’t it leave you feeling even more insecure and with more uncertainty than thinking they are okay and blaming yourself and thinking of yourself as bad.

So, it just goes to show how people who were abused cling to responsibility that doesn’t belong to them, and how it harbors negative self worth feelings and feelings of guilt, shame, disgust and poor self image and makes them feel like they don’t belong, are damaged or don’t belong. And to have known something was wrong after the fact as I gained more knowledge in the coming years and to be told it was normal and that what happened was normal, when the way you felt inside told you it wasn’t, but what is a kid to do? Other than to just try to accept it and move on, well when you know different and you try to bury something that still has a hold on you, a tighter grip than anything I can describe, it is bound to come out. In my case, I developed delayed onset of PTSD. It’s been a long road in the last 9 months, coming to terms with things not being how you thought they were almost your whole life and seeing how things have affected your feelings about yourself, your worth, and feelings when you never thought any of it had affected you at all. Well we are all human, and not invincible and it will come out when your brain is ready and knows you can handle it. Also how I have always pushed the girls who would be good for me away, because I wasn’t used to someone who actually cared for me, and then I’d find the girls who needed “fixed” or couldn’t give me what I needed and try to save them, in which I will discuss in a later post since I understand that now too. But it is amazing the relief you begin to experience and the sense of calmness, that you experience once you have begun your journey of healing that inner child, that was always let down and expected bad things or failures. And how you finally begin to see how it all affected you and how you never felt good enough or like you had to gain everyone’s approval. God has a plan for all of us, He knew us before, and He knows what we have endured, He also gives His hardest battles to His strongest soldiers. He will NEVER give you more than you can handle. It isn’t easy, and healing is not fun, and no one ever said it would be fun or easy, just that it would be worth it.

So if you were or have been let down continuously and it has caused you to harbor negative feelings about yourself, or make you feel damaged or not good enough, and like you always needed everyone else’s acceptance, you do not, you were made in the image of Christ Himself, God knew your story before you existed, so find relief in that. You have never been alone and His plans are for you to be successful and experience joy and all of the great things that this life has to offer in His Kingdom. He wants you to heal and to finally become whole and it is possible, it wont be easy or fun, but from experience and from someone as myself who isn’t done healing yet but can see and feel the difference, it is worth it. Those hurts give you a jaded view of this world and different aspects of it. Its time to reach out for help now that we are adults and take responsibility for our healing, since those who were responsible for our safety didn’t carry out their duties and we paid the price.

Reaching out for help is a sign of maturity and knowing that you are not where you want to be in this life and that you want all you can have out of this life and so much more. So swallow your pride, and begin healing, you deserve it, and will appreciate it! The responsibility of those things happening does NOT belong to you. But no one can get you help besides you, so what are you waiting for?

If anyone has any questions or wants help let me know, I will do what I can for anyone and everyone. I hope everyone who needs healing seeks it and begins what is a painful but rewarding journey.

God bless!

Why doesn’t everyone get healed?

 

So as you would know from my previous posts, I am a Christian and I also had quite a rough childhood resulting from other people’s poor choices and lifestyles, which resulted in PTSD which is an anxiety disorder and effects different aspects of what people consider “normal” life. It pretty much takes over unless you do your work through therapy. And since I have always had a sense of having or needing to be in control, probably because of my chaotic childhood, having PTSD running the show doesn’t work out too well for me. Nor does it for anyone who suffers on a daily basis. The good news is, that through hard work and time it can weaken the symptoms or eliminate them completely, all you will have is memories of things that have occurred rather than the reaction that anxiety gives you, which is out of your control. There’s that word control again.

So anyways, most people who have faith or believe in God, will pray about different hardships or trials they are going through. And in order to ever be delivered from whatever it may be that is causing you issues whether it be related to your health, mental health, finances, or relationships you must truly believe in Him and put your trust in His plans and the moves He makes in your life because if you don’t then what is the purpose of that miracle taking place. There is no testimony about faith and healing if He isn’t included. And I truly believe if it weren’t for Him and getting me into church and meeting some of the great people who have come into my life I probably wouldn’t be writing this post right now.

You might say, “Well I’ve had depression for years!” or “My marriage has been in shambles for months” and you have prayed about it time and time again but yet the issue is still there, and you believe in Him and his powers, why haven’t you gotten the relief you have asked for. But the question you might have to ask yourself is. Are you really believing in what He is capable of or are you just praying and hoping? Are you living your life according to His word, or trying to run your own show? Now I’m not saying living a life with no sin, doing no wrong, and I’m not doubting your faith. Its just a few questions. That could be why everyone isn’t healed though, because if everyone was healed of everything, there would be no reason to believe or trust, we would just expect. Because we are human, sin is in human nature, we aren’t perfect. It doesn’t make everything right, but you can be forgiven. There was only one man who was ever perfect and spotless and He is the reason we are forgiven and have the grace of God.

If you are having hardships and you are a Christian, whatever the issue might be. Personal, work related, relationships, finances or whatever it may be. Pray about it, ask God for guidance and see if He points you in one direction or another. Get into His word and see if He answers your questions there. Talk to your pastor or a pastoral counselor and see what kind of guidance they have for you. If you put your life in His hands and trust Him to carry you through and that everything will work out just fine and in His time not yours. Which is very important. A lot of us are impatient, we live in a microwave, fast food, smart phone kind of world with technology that can pretty much do anything and with us being able to get whatever we want in a matter of minutes in most instances. God doesn’t always work like that, sometimes He does, but sometimes He makes you wait, could He be testing your patience or faith? Maybe. But I remind you, it is never in our time, it is in His.

There are a lot of people out there with great testimonies. I am proof myself with what I have lived through, seen, and experienced, and I am still here and thriving the majority of the time. Just because you believe doesn’t mean you will slide through life unscathed by everything you experience, it just means He is always with you and will see you through. He gives us the power to choose, you can either let go and let God lead the way or you can steal the spotlight and try to run the show. I can guarantee you, you abide by His word, and repent on the sins you have committed and realize you are human but can be forgiven it will help a tremendous amount. I am in no way saying doing things wrong is made right by asking for forgiveness but everyone makes bad choices or makes mistakes at times, and Jesus died on the cross so we wouldn’t have to carry the burden of our sins, or even worse yet, other people’s mistakes. It takes time, but He is always on time.

For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11