Raising Your Hand For Help, And Being Told To Put It Down

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. –Psalm 147:3

He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” –Revelation 21:4

He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, so that we might die to sins and live for righteousness; by his wounds you have been healed. –1 Peter 2:24

As you all know if you have read my blog, my life has been far from perfect and filled with trauma after trauma and many struggles due to the chaos I endured. But I am here to say, I post about these things to help others, my healing journey began 15-20 years after most of my traumas and so I know how difficult it can be and healing is a JOURNEY, it does not happen overnight, just like the damage wasn’t done overnight either. So, as I blog, and help others, I am still healing myself. It is not for sympathy or for people to come to my rescue, I have God on my side, and this is my calling from Him and a part of His plan, for me to take my struggles and pain and help others.

So, since I addressed that particular subject I want to focus on something quite a bit different in this post. I don’t want to keep you waiting too long so I’ll let you know now. This post will be regarding everyone who has endured traumatic experiences at a young age, whether it be abuse of some sort, domestic violence, or anything else, who realized after the fact as they gained more knowledge that something was wrong or shouldn’t have happened and did, reached out, just to be told, “Oh, that’s normal” or just shot down completely like what they were addressing wasn’t important or wasn’t worthy of assisting them in getting help.

I’ll start off by throwing my experiences out there and then expand, but I am sure some or many of you who are reading this will be able to relate.

At the age of 3 or 4 I was sexually abused by a female babysitter, in which I remembered, told my parents after the fact and was never put into counseling or anything. As far as they were concerned, their drinking was more important and the abuse was normal. So that was one instance and at that age telling them was about all I could do. So no counseling for that particular trauma so I remembered it, the feelings of what happened and the mixed emotions of helplessness but also, as a human, those kinds of touches stimulate parts of your body that physiologically are meant and supposed to feel good. Now I cant stress enough, that DOES NOT mean you enjoyed the abuse; it strictly is a natural reaction that occurs in the human body when stimulated.

So, that trauma was never addressed and I was never helped, so my brain was not developed in that area yet and I didn’t have the education required to understand it. Although I had reached out for help doing as much as I could or knew to at the time, which was falling back on those who were supposed to keep me safe and help me in times of need.

So that abuse occurred at the age of 3 or 4 which had affected me, but what I am about to discuss has affected me so much more than the pain and suffering I endured because of my abuse. As a young child brought up in a household filled with drugs, alcohol, abuse, domestic violence, neglect, and anything else you can think of, there was not much guidance or support by our parents, they shouldn’t have been and were not prepared to bring children into the chaotic lives they had already endured but they did; and through all of the pain and suffering for that I am grateful, because if not I may not be here today. And knowing that God knew me before I took one breath on this earth, before I blinked or took a step He knew what I would endure, He knew every struggle, pain, and event that would wound my being, but He also knew that in His timing, He would cleanse me of those hurts, soften my heart that had been hardened and give me His strength to endure the healing process and not to lean on my own understanding but have faith in trust in His promises and His goodness and the plan He has for me.

So this next aspect of my trauma, still to this day has a hold on me, not like it did in the past weeks, months, or years because I have been doing my work and have a better understanding regarding it. But the aspect would be that of, being abused and then in the next months or years proceeding the abuse after being denied help or assistance and lacking proper knowledge and education on the topic of sex, was reenacting the abuse with other kids my age at the time. It was a few incidents, always isolated incidents per person, both boys and girls,  but nonetheless they still occurred. Which if you read about child sexual abuse it is common for kids to reenact all kinds of different things that occur to them, either in them doing them or having others do them. Or both. Just like if you hear your parents swear, or throw something, you may see that and do the same thing in your own behavior because as far you know its normal and just what you do, its how kids learn.  And from a young age I was like the only one responsible in our household, even when I shouldn’t have been so the fact that, that occurred and even though I know and realize I wasn’t responsible because I didn’t have the proper knowledge it still kills me and I have still felt responsible. And knowing the fact that I reached out to my parents regarding my abuse and they never got me help and that could have prevented anything else from happening but all a kid can do is reach out, they cant help themselves too. That’s where the responsibility lies, not on the child who was abused.

So after the acting out took place with other kids between the ages of 6 and 8 or around that time, it didn’t cause any anxiety or bother me because I didn’t have the knowledge to know what took place wasn’t right. But in the years following what took place, I began to remember what took place and since I had more knowledge and education I realized what took place wasn’t right and should have never happened. So I went to my mother and told her what had taken place and her reply was “Oh, that’s normal, kids experiment” which in a sense she was right, there is a sense of curiosity all kids obtain from being human, but there is a line you can cross from normal experimentation of looking, touching and such to more adult like sexual acts and kids not having a way of knowing that knowledge unless they were abused or introduced to it someway somehow. So my whole life from the age of like 6 or 7 until 23 when I was diagnosed with CPTSD I had thought what happened was experimenting and normal for kids, and every time it would come up on occasion and trigger anxiety I would bury it and reaffirm what my mother told me, which was it was normal and experimenting. Because once again I fell back on those who were supposed to know and support and protect me, and I was mislead once again.

So I have carried an extreme sense of over responsibility my whole life, about things that didn’t belong to me, but since no one else who should have been responsible would claim it, and me being the “mature” one in the house I took all of the responsibility and blame. It wasn’t mine to bear, but in my eyes someone had to be responsible so like many other abuse victims I found it easier to blame myself than it was put the blame where it belonged. No kid wants to believe their parents are unfit or bad, if you see it that way and accept that at a young age, wouldn’t it leave you feeling even more insecure and with more uncertainty than thinking they are okay and blaming yourself and thinking of yourself as bad.

So, it just goes to show how people who were abused cling to responsibility that doesn’t belong to them, and how it harbors negative self worth feelings and feelings of guilt, shame, disgust and poor self image and makes them feel like they don’t belong, are damaged or don’t belong. And to have known something was wrong after the fact as I gained more knowledge in the coming years and to be told it was normal and that what happened was normal, when the way you felt inside told you it wasn’t, but what is a kid to do? Other than to just try to accept it and move on, well when you know different and you try to bury something that still has a hold on you, a tighter grip than anything I can describe, it is bound to come out. In my case, I developed delayed onset of PTSD. It’s been a long road in the last 9 months, coming to terms with things not being how you thought they were almost your whole life and seeing how things have affected your feelings about yourself, your worth, and feelings when you never thought any of it had affected you at all. Well we are all human, and not invincible and it will come out when your brain is ready and knows you can handle it. Also how I have always pushed the girls who would be good for me away, because I wasn’t used to someone who actually cared for me, and then I’d find the girls who needed “fixed” or couldn’t give me what I needed and try to save them, in which I will discuss in a later post since I understand that now too. But it is amazing the relief you begin to experience and the sense of calmness, that you experience once you have begun your journey of healing that inner child, that was always let down and expected bad things or failures. And how you finally begin to see how it all affected you and how you never felt good enough or like you had to gain everyone’s approval. God has a plan for all of us, He knew us before, and He knows what we have endured, He also gives His hardest battles to His strongest soldiers. He will NEVER give you more than you can handle. It isn’t easy, and healing is not fun, and no one ever said it would be fun or easy, just that it would be worth it.

So if you were or have been let down continuously and it has caused you to harbor negative feelings about yourself, or make you feel damaged or not good enough, and like you always needed everyone else’s acceptance, you do not, you were made in the image of Christ Himself, God knew your story before you existed, so find relief in that. You have never been alone and His plans are for you to be successful and experience joy and all of the great things that this life has to offer in His Kingdom. He wants you to heal and to finally become whole and it is possible, it wont be easy or fun, but from experience and from someone as myself who isn’t done healing yet but can see and feel the difference, it is worth it. Those hurts give you a jaded view of this world and different aspects of it. Its time to reach out for help now that we are adults and take responsibility for our healing, since those who were responsible for our safety didn’t carry out their duties and we paid the price.

Reaching out for help is a sign of maturity and knowing that you are not where you want to be in this life and that you want all you can have out of this life and so much more. So swallow your pride, and begin healing, you deserve it, and will appreciate it! The responsibility of those things happening does NOT belong to you. But no one can get you help besides you, so what are you waiting for?

If anyone has any questions or wants help let me know, I will do what I can for anyone and everyone. I hope everyone who needs healing seeks it and begins what is a painful but rewarding journey.

God bless!