The Ongoing Battle For Authenticity Of A Survivor

As a male survivor of childhood sexual abuse and unwanted sexual contact as a young child because of my abuse, I know first hand the effects it can have. I also know it can take quite a while for those consequences to kick in, my biggest issues popping up 15-20 years later capped with delayed onset PTSD. It ROCKED my world. The world that I always knew was no longer that innocent and trustworthy, although I had trust issues my whole life, but domestic violence and foster care, topped with abuse will do that to a person. But my post is supposed to be about the battles we have as male survivors, well first off, society says men “can’t” or “shouldn’t” be victims, or that REAL men can’t be taken advantage of, which is furthest from the truth but it takes a toll on our self esteem and us speaking out because we feel we should’ve been able to stop it or make better choices, or in my case it happened when I was 3 with a much older babysitter, and growing up I always felt like it was an early initiation to sex and if only I were older…not realizing yet how much it messed me up. It gave me bad anger issues as a child, keep me from wearing jeans, to this day, I was in jeans the night it happened. It’s crazy how your body can remember and connect things.

Also society seems to believe anyone who is sexually abused will be an abuser, which is also a very false statement. Anyone can do something that extreme and tragic, its all about choice making, not whether you have been abused or not. So it scares us as men survivors because we think people will be afraid to have us around their kids, or that they will think different of us, when we were the victims, not the perpetrator, so don’t convict us with something that we aren’t.

My sexual abuse happened at a very young age, and I was never gotten any help, which in turned caused me to act out sexually as a child, with both girls and boys. Kids don’t have the knowledge to know guys go with girls, or even what sex is and what they are doing, they are either replaying what happened to them, either by doing it or having others do it. Sex feels good, whether we are 3 or 43, its how our bodies are made, so we don’t know what we are doing is wrong, but if we aren’t helped and taught about what happened, it can cause problems later, because the amount of shame and guilt eats away at us from the inside out, it tears us apart. From us “allowing” us to be abused, to the acting out, we feel we should have known better, should have stopped our abuse which would in turn keep the acting out from occurring which is impossible. We wonder and question ourselves in how the acting out, even if it wasn’t forced, how it could have affected those other kids and their lives. Kids aren’t equipped like that and its unfortunate because then we beat ourselves up for being victimized and look at it from an adult viewpoint than from a small child’s. But guilt and shame knows no difference and will eat away no matter how old you are.

Masculinity-

1.

pertaining to or characteristic of a man or men: masculine attire.

2.

having qualities traditionally ascribed to men, as strength and boldness.

That definition alone, can hurt a man who has survived abuse, because society takes it and runs with it. So it isn’t viewed as boys victimized, its viewed as a man who was taken advantage of or who was too weak to stop the perpetrator. So we once we realize the damage done by the abuse, there is secondary wounding because then we start to question our “manliness” and our ability to fight people off.

Why did they pick me?

Did that person see me as weak or vulnerable, more so than others?

Am I a real man because I was abused and couldn’t protect myself?

Will others think I’m a fake because I was abused?

What will they think if they knew I acted out with other kids when I was younger, I didn’t know what I was doing, it wasn’t my fault, but will they think I’m an abuser, or possibly gay because it happened with boys and girls?

As an adult do people view me as weak?

Do people see me as less of a man or a fake?

Even if people don’t know that we have been through we feel sometimes like people can tell our story just by looking at us. They might know nothing more than our names, but we feel like they can see our soul and know our whole story, abuse and all. Will they be able to tell by being around me? Can they tell by how I carry myself? They have to be able to tell…

And on it goes. Which adds more to the inner turmoil because we are essentially making a bigger deal than need be. But we can’t help it we don’t do it on purpose. And then it adds more to the effect of how we feel when being compassionate and friendly, will people take that as weakness? Or being less manly? Real men aren’t soft. But in reality they are, but society says no. Real men can be soft and it not be a problem, but when we have been abused it changes how comfortable we are in our skin. Causes us to judge ourselves and our actions, even innocent ones, and we find a way to make ourselves feel uncomfortable, even when there is no real reason. But we are afraid of what people think of us, and how they must know about our abuse and past, even when there is no way they can. We don’t trust our ability to keep ourselves safe, unless we are extremely rigid, due to being victimized before, even though we were children and are adults now, it doesn’t make a difference to us. We don’t want to take chancing the same thing or something similar happening again.

We don’t even feel comfortable talking to those closest to us, because its traumatic and then we wonder what people will think of us, and we fear the worst, which keeps us from talking. Most men go years before talking about their abuse and realizing how much it hurt us and took a toll. It took me 20 years from my abuse and 15+ since the acting out for me to really realize what happened and why and then to begin talking about it, partially because I began having flashbacks and stuff and was diagnosed with Delayed Onset PTSD. Before that I didn’t realize the affects the abuse had on me as a child. I had signs because of past anger problems and things like that, but I never connected it. PTSD has been difficult to live with, its like your brain gets locked on what happened, on keeping it from happening again, and noticing any possible signs of danger whether perceived or real. Mostly perceived, we don’t want to get caught in that same helpless state as before.

The damage that is done by abuse is REAL. Whether male or female. Men can be abused, whether as kids, or teenagers. And those are some of the fears, issues, and myths of males sexual abuse, I will attach a link to 1in6 which provides more info.

https://1in6.org/therapists-and-other-professionals/myths-facts/

https://1in6.org/therapists-and-other-professionals/get-information-2/online-readings/masculinity-self-esteem-and-identity/how-it-can-be-different-for-men/

Male Survivor links:

http://www.malesurvivor.org/daily-affirmations.html

http://www.malesurvivor.org/ArchivedPages/gartner.html

Another link with Singer Chris Brown mentioned:

http://speakaboutitonline.com/2013/10/09/chris-brown-news/

The Constant Battle Of A Survivor

 

As time goes on, and recovery is on going, the battle is constant. The inner critic will eat you alive any chance it gets. Add PTSD to that equation, and it makes it even worse. You begin to feel like you are at war with yourself, you know certain things, but yet the hypervigilance, and triggers make past dangers still feel like threats. You know you are in better control of the situation than when you were younger but yet your brain reacts as if the same things can take place that caused you pain back then. So what does it do then? It will trigger flashbacks, and intrusive thoughts to make it seem even more REAL to keep you from getting too close or from even giving a slight chance of the same thing happening once again. Which makes you begin to isolate, you don’t want to leave your house, you don’t want to go to work, you don’t want to do anything or go anywhere that could send you into a downward spiral. It gets so tiring, and makes you question your place in this world, makes you question the real meaning of life if you’re so unhappy and even at times consider taking your own life, because not living like this seems better than being miserable or tortured by the past.

Faith. Something I used to write about a lot, something that has wavered, strengthened at times and weakened at others. Made me question God and His plan(s) for myself and those in my life. Things I used to think made me stronger, has fueled the fire and anger inside me, towards God, and why He would allow certain things happen to such innocent people and then be hampered by those same things years later. In my case the traumas and abuse happened when I was very young, between 3-7 as far as sexual or unwanted sexual contact. But the mental and emotional abuse took place from 3-17 or 18. Being in and out of foster care, reaching out for help for the sexual abuse that took place and being overlooked or brushed to the side, the domestic violence, seeing things kids should NEVER have to see, images and sounds that got seared into your brain, things I can recall like they were yesterday, being told I wouldn’t graduate from high school or amount to anything, all forms of abuse in one way or another. Through all of that I stood strong in my faith, always said it made me stronger and a better person, which it did. Little did I know that Delayed Onset PTSD even existed or that it would be triggered and damn near destroy my life 15-20 years later. Since Sept 2012, I’ve believed and trusted God, questioned God, and even been pissed off at God, I know He can take it and I know it is normal for what I’ve gone through, I’m just not to the point to where I understand and accept everything I was asked to walk through by Him. I will reach that day, with the help of good friends and my amazing girlfriend and her unwavering support even through my most difficult days and stubbornness.

As a professional in 2 fields that I have always loved since I have gotten involved which would be an EMT on the ambulance, and a firefighter. Both amazing and rewarding fields, but both which can make recovery more difficult, because you see the ugly in the world. You see abuse, suicides, death, loss, violence, and tragedies on a day to day basis, in which any trauma survivor already knows how ugly the world can be, and how it can rock your world. It triggers your own memories and hurts whenever you’re on a call even remotely close to what you went through, whether it is hearing something or seeing something, it takes you right back there in that helpless state, feeling out of control like you are right back there at 3 or 4 years old. Its insane. It takes the pride you have in your work and helping other people and turns the attention back on your own losses and tragedies. Its left me questioning my career choice, besides the fact that we are all underpaid and overworked for what we do. It makes me want to find a work from home job to where I can control my environment until I get to a place in recovery where I feel okay and don’t get triggered so often.

The truth is, whether it happened yesterday or years ago, traumas and tragedies can stay as fresh and real as when they happened, just by seeing or hearing something.

Its a constant battle. I will follow this post with a second part.

Thank you for reading

Raising Your Hand For Help, And Being Told To Put It Down

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. –Psalm 147:3

He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” –Revelation 21:4

He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, so that we might die to sins and live for righteousness; by his wounds you have been healed. –1 Peter 2:24

As you all know if you have read my blog, my life has been far from perfect and filled with trauma after trauma and many struggles due to the chaos I endured. But I am here to say, I post about these things to help others, my healing journey began 15-20 years after most of my traumas and so I know how difficult it can be and healing is a JOURNEY, it does not happen overnight, just like the damage wasn’t done overnight either. So, as I blog, and help others, I am still healing myself. It is not for sympathy or for people to come to my rescue, I have God on my side, and this is my calling from Him and a part of His plan, for me to take my struggles and pain and help others.

So, since I addressed that particular subject I want to focus on something quite a bit different in this post. I don’t want to keep you waiting too long so I’ll let you know now. This post will be regarding everyone who has endured traumatic experiences at a young age, whether it be abuse of some sort, domestic violence, or anything else, who realized after the fact as they gained more knowledge that something was wrong or shouldn’t have happened and did, reached out, just to be told, “Oh, that’s normal” or just shot down completely like what they were addressing wasn’t important or wasn’t worthy of assisting them in getting help.

I’ll start off by throwing my experiences out there and then expand, but I am sure some or many of you who are reading this will be able to relate.

At the age of 3 or 4 I was sexually abused by a female babysitter, in which I remembered, told my parents after the fact and was never put into counseling or anything. As far as they were concerned, their drinking was more important and the abuse was normal. So that was one instance and at that age telling them was about all I could do. So no counseling for that particular trauma so I remembered it, the feelings of what happened and the mixed emotions of helplessness but also, as a human, those kinds of touches stimulate parts of your body that physiologically are meant and supposed to feel good. Now I cant stress enough, that DOES NOT mean you enjoyed the abuse; it strictly is a natural reaction that occurs in the human body when stimulated.

So, that trauma was never addressed and I was never helped, so my brain was not developed in that area yet and I didn’t have the education required to understand it. Although I had reached out for help doing as much as I could or knew to at the time, which was falling back on those who were supposed to keep me safe and help me in times of need.

So that abuse occurred at the age of 3 or 4 which had affected me, but what I am about to discuss has affected me so much more than the pain and suffering I endured because of my abuse. As a young child brought up in a household filled with drugs, alcohol, abuse, domestic violence, neglect, and anything else you can think of, there was not much guidance or support by our parents, they shouldn’t have been and were not prepared to bring children into the chaotic lives they had already endured but they did; and through all of the pain and suffering for that I am grateful, because if not I may not be here today. And knowing that God knew me before I took one breath on this earth, before I blinked or took a step He knew what I would endure, He knew every struggle, pain, and event that would wound my being, but He also knew that in His timing, He would cleanse me of those hurts, soften my heart that had been hardened and give me His strength to endure the healing process and not to lean on my own understanding but have faith in trust in His promises and His goodness and the plan He has for me.

So this next aspect of my trauma, still to this day has a hold on me, not like it did in the past weeks, months, or years because I have been doing my work and have a better understanding regarding it. But the aspect would be that of, being abused and then in the next months or years proceeding the abuse after being denied help or assistance and lacking proper knowledge and education on the topic of sex, was reenacting the abuse with other kids my age at the time. It was a few incidents, always isolated incidents per person, both boys and girls,  but nonetheless they still occurred. Which if you read about child sexual abuse it is common for kids to reenact all kinds of different things that occur to them, either in them doing them or having others do them. Or both. Just like if you hear your parents swear, or throw something, you may see that and do the same thing in your own behavior because as far you know its normal and just what you do, its how kids learn.  And from a young age I was like the only one responsible in our household, even when I shouldn’t have been so the fact that, that occurred and even though I know and realize I wasn’t responsible because I didn’t have the proper knowledge it still kills me and I have still felt responsible. And knowing the fact that I reached out to my parents regarding my abuse and they never got me help and that could have prevented anything else from happening but all a kid can do is reach out, they cant help themselves too. That’s where the responsibility lies, not on the child who was abused.

So after the acting out took place with other kids between the ages of 6 and 8 or around that time, it didn’t cause any anxiety or bother me because I didn’t have the knowledge to know what took place wasn’t right. But in the years following what took place, I began to remember what took place and since I had more knowledge and education I realized what took place wasn’t right and should have never happened. So I went to my mother and told her what had taken place and her reply was “Oh, that’s normal, kids experiment” which in a sense she was right, there is a sense of curiosity all kids obtain from being human, but there is a line you can cross from normal experimentation of looking, touching and such to more adult like sexual acts and kids not having a way of knowing that knowledge unless they were abused or introduced to it someway somehow. So my whole life from the age of like 6 or 7 until 23 when I was diagnosed with CPTSD I had thought what happened was experimenting and normal for kids, and every time it would come up on occasion and trigger anxiety I would bury it and reaffirm what my mother told me, which was it was normal and experimenting. Because once again I fell back on those who were supposed to know and support and protect me, and I was mislead once again.

So I have carried an extreme sense of over responsibility my whole life, about things that didn’t belong to me, but since no one else who should have been responsible would claim it, and me being the “mature” one in the house I took all of the responsibility and blame. It wasn’t mine to bear, but in my eyes someone had to be responsible so like many other abuse victims I found it easier to blame myself than it was put the blame where it belonged. No kid wants to believe their parents are unfit or bad, if you see it that way and accept that at a young age, wouldn’t it leave you feeling even more insecure and with more uncertainty than thinking they are okay and blaming yourself and thinking of yourself as bad.

So, it just goes to show how people who were abused cling to responsibility that doesn’t belong to them, and how it harbors negative self worth feelings and feelings of guilt, shame, disgust and poor self image and makes them feel like they don’t belong, are damaged or don’t belong. And to have known something was wrong after the fact as I gained more knowledge in the coming years and to be told it was normal and that what happened was normal, when the way you felt inside told you it wasn’t, but what is a kid to do? Other than to just try to accept it and move on, well when you know different and you try to bury something that still has a hold on you, a tighter grip than anything I can describe, it is bound to come out. In my case, I developed delayed onset of PTSD. It’s been a long road in the last 9 months, coming to terms with things not being how you thought they were almost your whole life and seeing how things have affected your feelings about yourself, your worth, and feelings when you never thought any of it had affected you at all. Well we are all human, and not invincible and it will come out when your brain is ready and knows you can handle it. Also how I have always pushed the girls who would be good for me away, because I wasn’t used to someone who actually cared for me, and then I’d find the girls who needed “fixed” or couldn’t give me what I needed and try to save them, in which I will discuss in a later post since I understand that now too. But it is amazing the relief you begin to experience and the sense of calmness, that you experience once you have begun your journey of healing that inner child, that was always let down and expected bad things or failures. And how you finally begin to see how it all affected you and how you never felt good enough or like you had to gain everyone’s approval. God has a plan for all of us, He knew us before, and He knows what we have endured, He also gives His hardest battles to His strongest soldiers. He will NEVER give you more than you can handle. It isn’t easy, and healing is not fun, and no one ever said it would be fun or easy, just that it would be worth it.

So if you were or have been let down continuously and it has caused you to harbor negative feelings about yourself, or make you feel damaged or not good enough, and like you always needed everyone else’s acceptance, you do not, you were made in the image of Christ Himself, God knew your story before you existed, so find relief in that. You have never been alone and His plans are for you to be successful and experience joy and all of the great things that this life has to offer in His Kingdom. He wants you to heal and to finally become whole and it is possible, it wont be easy or fun, but from experience and from someone as myself who isn’t done healing yet but can see and feel the difference, it is worth it. Those hurts give you a jaded view of this world and different aspects of it. Its time to reach out for help now that we are adults and take responsibility for our healing, since those who were responsible for our safety didn’t carry out their duties and we paid the price.

Reaching out for help is a sign of maturity and knowing that you are not where you want to be in this life and that you want all you can have out of this life and so much more. So swallow your pride, and begin healing, you deserve it, and will appreciate it! The responsibility of those things happening does NOT belong to you. But no one can get you help besides you, so what are you waiting for?

If anyone has any questions or wants help let me know, I will do what I can for anyone and everyone. I hope everyone who needs healing seeks it and begins what is a painful but rewarding journey.

God bless!

Number 23 and His confirmation in me

 

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. –Jeremiah 29:11

 

So as you begin to read you probably don’t attach much significance to the number 23, but there isn’t a number that means more to me than that number. Before I get started talking about this important part of my testimony, I must say there are many different ways our Heavenly Father can speak to us. Sometimes it is through numbers that He makes significant in our life to get His message across, sometimes it is other people that the Holy Spirit speaks through, it may be that you open up the good book to take in His word on your own and it just speaks to your heart like only the Holy Spirit can do, He can and will answer your prayers if you truly believe and put your trust in Him knowing He will never forsake us and His love doesn’t fail. So to get started..

As a young kid, in and out of foster care I attended church off and on with my one foster family. But it never stuck because as soon as we returned to our parents, the drugs and alcohol, sex and their needs took top priority over us after a short time, domestic violence would surface and it was life on repeat. I always had faith though, prayed to God nightly, just wanted to be comforted and feel like I belonged because I didn’t receive the love and affection that children needed, so even as a small child I knew who my Heavenly Father was and what He was capable of, I just wasn’t aware of how to maintain an intimate relationship with Him because it is something you are taught and that was never addressed to me. But now being 23 looking back I know He was watching over me and comforting me, keeping me out of harms way, now you might think, you are saying He kept you out of harms way, but you were sexually abused, witnessed domestic violence and was in and out of foster care, suffered from neglect and abandonment. And yes that is true, but He gives the people He knows can handle the struggles and pain, to be rebuilt into the Godly men and women He needs to be His hands and feet on this earth. It caused pain, and now personal growth, but it could have been a lot worse, it could have been a lot worse, instead of my parents beating each other they could have beat us, we could have been killed, my parents could have carried out suicide rather than just attempting, I mean you might look at the negative and say “Wow, for being so young you have been through so much” <— the glass half empty look or you can say yeah I have been through a lot but I know God has been there all along, He knew me in and out and knew how my story was going to go, He knew it wasn’t going to be easy, but nothing worth it is ever easy, He didn’t want me to stay the person I used to be, filled with hurt stored up way down deep, affecting me in numerous ways, He wanted to open my eyes to the harm that was done, prove to me His love is real, and it never fails and He has been there all along, and all of the humanly flesh may fail us, but He never will. And show me, when you trust in something bigger than yourself and your understanding, and trust in Him and his extraordinary plan for your life, as His child, He will make you soar on the wings of eagles, spreading His great word and glorifying Him.

You may ask, “Well why do I have to trust in Him for Him to work in my life, if He is God and we are His children” Well what good would it do anyone if He just handed out miracles and His good work? And not require us to die of our old selves and to take up our cross daily and trust in Him, who knows best. If you do that, and trust in Him and His plan, He can and will begin to work in your life, but you cant continue to live in total abandon and expect Him to work amongst you, that isn’t glorifying Him, that would be like you spitting in His face time and time again after He helps you out. Who would go for that? Certainly not anyone on earth, so why should our Father, Jehovah, our Creator. Make sense now?

But anyways back to the main theme, at the age of 14 I was going down the wrong path, not doing anything terribly wrong but the crowd I was hanging with did not glorify God, I was smoking cigarettes and no one stopped me, but on March 23rd 2004, I stopped cold turkey, I didn’t want to be smoking and end up having my parents bury their son, it was easy once I put my mind to it and never had a desire to do it again, actually have no idea why I did it to begin with but I know its because I wasn’t raised properly and had no discipline but I grew up quick and was no dummy. So that’s the first instance of 23, and then in high school I played football well by that time I was hooked on number 23, so I drew number 30 for the season and I wanted 23 so I went to the kid who had 23 and he agreed to swap numbers with me, all glory to God. Because people normally don’t give up their numbers easily, he didn’t even argue or attempt. So I wore 23 my senior year just months after struggling with self harm and low self esteem, feeling like damaged goods, so who was in that? If you said God, you were right. And so as life went on, I still loved number 23, and clung to it no matter what I was doing. So last summer rolled around and I was so pumped I have thought for years, when I turn 23 my life will be amazing I will live it up and remember it forever, besides all of the talk about the world ending and the publicity that surrounded that, I was not scared. But little did I know 2+ months after turning 23 I would be diagnosed with Post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) from childhood trauma, having flashback, avoiding things that I never avoided and was never bothered by before and always on alert constantly felt I was in danger or something bad was going to happen, try living like that? Especially 10+ years after the traumas stopped and you were the first person in your immediate family to graduate high school, attend college, been on your own since 19, EMT and firefighter, you live to help people, was working 60-85 hours a week for 6 months making good money between 2 jobs and then your whole world just comes crashing down, but after 2 weeks of suffering God spoke to me and told me to go to church, God placed a wonderful youth Pastor in my path who had just moved to Ohio from North Carolina, still with me another God move, was baptized after being mentored by that fine young man, on November 11, 2012 also known as Veterans Day and is considered by some as PTSD awareness day, although it is in June due to Veterans being prone to PTSD, another God move, it clearly wasn’t planned by the church, I still wasn’t certain on what PTSD exactly was at that time, I prayed for my father who had just gotten out of prison to be shown Gods way and for Him not to bring any harm to Him but to do what He had to do to get his attention, my dad could’ve went back to prison for drinking but didn’t, he slept under a bridge after being denied by 1 Christian recovery center in 25 degree weather to go to another one in the morning which accepted him. An answered prayer, when my father and I hadn’t spoke in weeks and had no clue I was even praying for him. I became a member of my church on February 17th, 2013. I have seen God lead more Godly people into my lives and pull me from others who were holding me back from doing His work and carrying out His plan for my life. God doesn’t like anyone to hold His children back from doing all that they can do. Now that’s a wonderful Father, Amen?

I witnessed Mr Bill Triplett, a former NFL players testimony last night and numerous times, he stared right at me while speaking, there was 25+ of us, could’ve had stared at any of us, he chose me, but it wasn’t him, it was the Holy Spirit confirming in me, the plan I have been questioning that God has for me to pursue ministry. My foster mother and 2 pastors who didn’t know me mentioned ministry to me months ago and I never even thought about it much, I just shook it off, mentioning youth Pastor positions and stuff but I didn’t see it, now I do. And it has been  confirmed by numerous Godly brothers and sisters, and in the Holy Spirit also. So now to carry out God’s mission, glorify Him, boast in my weaknesses, knowing He will always be there and His judgment is all that matters. So, after PTSD and how miserable I was the last 6-8 months, I questioned how great my 23rd year on this earth would be and could’ve easily said I had many others that were better, but now seeing what God has done and the work He has been busy doing, this has easily been the best year of my life. He has a plan for each and every one of us, but He gives us the ability to make a choice, either we can surrender and bow down to Him and He will show us His way or we can take it upon our understanding and try to do it on our own, if you choose to do it that way, good luck, but I’m here to tell you, its much easier to look to Him, He is never wrong, He is always on time and has plans to help us prosper and not to harm us. He will never give us anything that we cannot handle as He knows how our story will begin, how it will go and end.

One last thing regarding 23, the last 2 days a particular scripture kept running over and over again in my head, not the whole thing as I haven’t read it in quite a while and haven’t heard it either, but I kept saying “The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want…” so this morning I still couldn’t shake it so I looked it up, to my surprise, Psalm 23. There’ that number again. God is good!

Now I am on a mission, a Godly mission, to pursue ministry, to help spread our Fathers word and my testimony that glorifies His amazing work and plan. He works for the good of those who love Him. I have my first testimony scheduled for this Sunday and am in contact with many people to get me travelling often to different places to share the good word and what He is capable of.

God Bless

 

 

Introducing myself and my journey of what seems like a lifetime.

1 Peter 5:9-10    Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of  suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world. And  after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you  to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and  establish you.

 

First off I want to say thank you for taking the time to stumble along my blog and taking the time to read it. I’m hoping through writing this I’ll  help to improve the lives of others, along with myself. It is no easy task to overcome PTSD, I know that first hand, it is a long road, filled with anger, sadness, grief, emotional numbness, fear, irrational, intrusive thoughts, and it makes it even harder to handle if you’ve lived your life pretty normal, for years before it began effecting you to the point of a diagnosis, and interfering with your life. The sense of loneliness you get while addressing everything is unexplainable, you can be surrounded by people, even better, people who care greatly about you and you still feel alone and like no one understands. But I’ll explain all of this is more detail later on in separate postings. For some information and background on me, I’ll begin that now, then you can understand a little bit more on how I got to this point in this crazy journey we call life.

To get started, I am 23 years old and live on my own, have since I was 19. Very independent, maybe too much at times. 600+ miles from all of my family. The life I have lived up and until the last 3 years, has been far from “normal”. Was far from great, but could have been a lot worse. With that being said, it doesn’t take away from the damage it has done. I’ll begin explaining my story from a long time ago and come up until the present time.

 As far back as I can remember, my childhood was filled with moving often. No sense of security, or certainty in any one area. At the age of 3 or 4 years old after my parents spent the years prior travelling on a sales team across the United States, hotel rooms filled with drugs, alcohol, and violence. Let me add the fact I was almost born in an elevator in a hotel because my father was out too busy partying to be with my mother, knowing I was due at anytime. So after all of the travelling, we finally began trying to settle, trailer park to trailer park, domestic violence, jail visits to see my father and so on. I went to at least, 5 or 6 elementary schools, ELEMENTARY, where children need the most stability to examine and figure out this world we live in, 2 middle schools and finally just 1 high school. So after moving around, my parents began to settle in a small town, 45 minutes southwest of Louisville, KY. About 10 minutes from Fort Knox.

So one evening my father decided he wanted to go out, and this is where the story gets even worse. So his needs, wants or addictions became #1 priority rather than his children’s safety. That evening, he took us to a babysitters house, who wanted to go play bingo, so they of course took us to a friend of theirs to be babysat by their friends teenage daughter, I believe between the age of 16 and 18, an African American family who my parents had never met. (Let me add, there is no prejudice behind me stating that family’s race)   They left, and it was late so my brother and I were put to bed, in a bunk bed, laying side by side and sleeping soundly. When I felt someone crawl into the bed and lay in between us, I thought nothing of it, just thought that person was going to go to bed also, like any 3 or 4 year old would think, at that age you don’t know the world to be that scary of a place to live in. Boy, was I wrong. It wasn’t long after she climbed in bed with us, I began feeling someone messing with my jeans, fumbling around the waistband. Before long, she had began rubbing me, and as a natural reaction I was aroused by it, and she must have enjoyed that reaction my body has. She continued by unbuttoning my pants and performed oral on me, I was scared and had no idea what was taking place or how long it really lasted, it seemed like a long time, but I acted like I slept through it. When she was finished, she put my pants back on and proceeded out to the couch to watch tv. Not long after she felt accomplished or finished with what she set out to do, I needed to use the restroom in which I went out into the living room where she was laying on the couch, was a very awkward moment. I’m not even sure if I had to use the restroom or if I was just trying to make sense of what had just happened. I proceeded to tell my parents what had happened when we got back with them, but not much help or support was provided.

Ill shorten the rest of this blog a bit, that being the biggest factor of most of my struggles, but at a young age being introduced to sexual activity well beyond my years and ability to comprehend would end up effecting me throughout my childhood in different ways and even now into adulthood with dealing with PTSD.

Other major life events that took place and added to PTSD include: Foster care 3 times for a matter of 4.5 years or so, numerous amounts of domestic violence, at times to the point to where one of my parents could have been killed,  jail visits to see my father in whom I was closest to, witnessing my mother attempt suicide, witnessing my father playing heinous jokes like him reenacting his own suicide to where he went as far as putting red dye on the floor, laid in it holding a knife and laid there until my mother called 911 and my brother and I stood there and realized he was breathing, boundaries, they DID NOT exist, childhood filled with lies regarding them straightening out their lives to get us back, witnessing numerous accounts of sexual contact between our parents, and others when they weren’t together, as they were off and on quite often. Constant use of alcohol and drug use which was much more secretive, myself being admitted into a behavioral facility for counseling 2 separate times, for anger problems for a total of 6 weeks both times around Christmas, which was due to the sexual abuse, which no one pinpointed they just insisted on putting me away, that way they wouldn’t have to deal with it and get me help. Also numerous age inappropriate jokes told by my father to myself, my brother, and other children who were our friends, even to the point of almost bullying and making inappropriate remarks to us kids, which made us upset and feel inadequate and question ourselves or not feel loved.   We were only months away from being adopted the last time we were in foster care, how it feels to not be wanted by your parents and the fact they couldn’t give up drugs and alcohol and straighten up their lives for us, we were supposed to matter the most. And even the obsessive amounts of moving I’m sure had an impact, there was never a sense of certainty or stability.

I’m going to close there for now, but I must add, since my diagnosis of PTSD, I would not be where I am without Jesus Christ and my faith being strengthened through Him. He will never let us down or forsake us, no matter where we have been or where we are going, He walks side by side with us and loves us unconditionally.

God Bless and I will be posting more very soon.