“When you come to the edge of all the light you have, and must take a step into the darkness of the unknown, believe that one of two things will happen. Either there will be something solid for you to stand on – or you will be taught how to fly.”
About that time the disciples came to Jesus and asked, “Who is greatest in the Kingdom of Heaven?” Jesus called a little child to him and put the child among them. Then he said, “I tell you the truth, unless you turn from your sins and become like little children, you will never get into the Kingdom of Heaven. So anyone who becomes as humble as this little child is the greatest in the Kingdom of Heaven. –Matthew 18:1
One thing I have noticed by many books I have read, about sexually abused children, and how it affects them as adults is, their fight or battle for finding authenticity. It doesn’t matter if you were 2 or 14, abuse is abuse. Some say the damage is worse the younger the victim and that may be true just due to lack of knowledge on topics such as sex, human sexuality and so on. Because young children toddlers and up until the age of maybe 8-10 kids don’t know a whole lot about sex, who goes with who, what is right and what is wrong, unless they have been taught that, but then again at a young age, parents normally don’t cross those bridges quite yet. So it is left up to children to figure it out on their own, by learning as they go, and abuse sometimes complicates that. It adds confusion as to what is love and real intimacy, as to who you can trust and if you do what they will expect and worse yet to try to figure out, what in the world happened to you when you were abused. Especially because the human sexual organs are made to where certain touches or gestures feel good and cause arousal for both boys and girls, so you aren’t sure what to make of the abuse either, because it could have felt good. Which causes more secondary wounding sometimes, because kids act out what they are taught or what they know, like if a kid hears an adult swear, he/she may copy, same as if they are touched inappropriately, they don’t know it isn’t right to do, so they may repeat what was done to them or have others do to them what was done to them originally. Which adds to the confusion because not only was it done to you, now you’re trying to make sense by repeating it, but children don’t have any other choice if they aren’t given proper help following incidents, especially if adults never knew about it. But I stress, I have read numerous books, and websites and acting out to try to make sense of the event is TOTALLY normal. And for a long time I thought I was so different because I acted out following my abuse, with both sexes. With 3 or 4 girls and 2 boys. It only happened one time, per peer, so they were isolated incidents with each of the 5 or 6, but it was enough to make me feel even worse as a person. Let me remind you, I was between the ages of approx. 5-8 when the acting out took place, so I was still a very young child. Lacking knowledge and experience in life, especially things of that nature.
Now certain things are normal for different age groups, I’ve read on legitimate websites that, touching, looking at, and even rubbing your privates on peers when being children of certain age groups is normal, which all goes into curiosity. I included a website to refer to also. But we get into trouble and abuse should, SHOULD, should be looked into when the line is crossed, when it goes from normal touching, rubbing or looking into taking part in adult like sexual activities.
But back to the meaning of this post, not that, those things I discussed previously aren’t important, because they are. But a huge issue for men, who were abused as children, whether by male or female, and regardless of acting out, is whether or not we are REAL men. Because society tells us, men are submissive, we are in control, we always want sex, and should know everything, boys don’t do things with other boys, and girls don’t do things with other girls. Which sexual abuse goes against all of that, and complicates the views that society gives us. Well, society is wrong. As we all know society is wrong in a lot of areas already, it is in this one also. You can be a real man, you can be a great father, doctor, pastor, counselor, friend. You can do all of those things, now it may take a while to heal from the pain of your childhood as I have come to learn quite well. But there is hope and healing is possible. You didn’t know what was right or wrong when you were young and taken advantage of. Your innocent taken from you like a thief in the night. (In my case, it was night) It is a slow process, you didn’t get hurt and all of that pain built up overnight, its taken years to break you down, it will take months or years to get it into proper perspective aside from all of the confusion and misconceptions the abuse caused, don’t lose hope and faith. I was close to losing both. I wondered a lot if things would ever make sense, if people actually care and could be trusted, I was contemplating getting a gun, it was a nice gun, but just in case I ever decided I wanted to end it. Which not too long ago I thought about daily and way more than once. It brought me down to balling my eyes out multiple times, calling the church I had stopped going to, hence me losing faith or hope, crying on the phone with the pastor, saying I needed help or this (the PTSD) was going to kill me, I went to church this past Sunday, and balled again, knowing and realizing people do care and are willing to help, they will talk with you, they do love you, and don’t want anything from you, no ulterior motives, they won’t abuse you or take advantage and that trust isn’t totally hopeless either. And I prayed and they prayed and I’m not done yet, the pastor is setting me up with a program to continue my healing, but since then so much, and I mean huge amounts of stuff has started to get into the right perspective, the blame, the responsibility, where it belongs or belonged, different things that took place when I was a child has started to make sense and for so long now it hasn’t. And I plan to continue writing blogs, to heal myself and to help others. When you keep everything in, like PTSD can cause you to do, it wants you to isolate, just like the devil does, they both don’t want you happy. Even if you don’t have PTSD, abuse and similar experiences aren’t exactly something you like to open up about in fear of judgement and in fear of losing people, but if they truly care, they will be there to listen, to allow you to cry on their shoulder and they won’t leave. If they leave when times are hard they were never there for you or true in the beginning. Think about it, if someone came to you hurt and upset about the same things you have gone through, would you push them aside or what would you tell them? Or do for them? You would more than likely listen, talk, give advice or help them get well. Well you deserve the same exact thing and nothing less. Believe it! This is your life and you are worth it, you are worth it to heal, grow, become whole, and to help others. And one day you’ll rejoice about it.
Luke 8:43-48
43 A woman in the crowd had suffered for twelve years with constant bleeding,[a] and she could find no cure. 44 Coming up behind Jesus, she touched the fringe of his robe. Immediately, the bleeding stopped. 45 “Who touched me?” Jesus asked. Everyone denied it, and Peter said, “Master, this whole crowd is pressing up against you.”46 But Jesus said, “Someone deliberately touched me, for I felt healing power go out from me.” 47 When the woman realized that she could not stay hidden, she began to tremble and fell to her knees in front of him. The whole crowd heard her explain why she had touched him and that she had been immediately healed. 48 “Daughter,” he said to her, “your faith has made you well. Go in peace.”
Our Past Remains, Unless It's Faced 