As most of you who follow my blog know, I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, neglect, abandonment, I was in foster care 3 times between the ages of 4 and 10 for a total of like 5 years or so, I’ve witnessed both parents attempt suicide, witnessed numerous accounts of domestic violence, my parents with one another and with others while they were apart engage in sexual situations, sometimes just feet from us kids, if I sat here and went on and on I’m sure I could come up with many other things that would be disturbing to a child or maybe even an adult. I was also never gotten any help as a child after the sexual abuse by a female babysitter when I was just 3 or 4 years old, I acted out with other kids, trying to make sense of what happened to me, I had anger issues as a young kid that aren’t normal for someone of that age without good reason, I was actually put into a hospital for my anger twice for 3 weeks at a time, and not one professional or caregiver mentioned or even thought of sexual abuse, which is a tall tale sign of sexual abuse in children. Nope, not one. And as a child you don’t know what to talk about with therapists nor do you even know what their job is. Its again the adults job, just like taking care of and keeping the children safe, is also their responsibility. In which, the ball was dropped, time and time again, and I suffered time and time again and still am. But I have said all of that in different ways in some of my other posts so I want to expand on what I have been noticing in the year and a half that I have been recovering from my nervous breakdown which was actually Delayed Onset PTSD cutting through the surface years later to show me exactly how screwed up my life really was. So HERE. WE. GO….
I have noticed, I have suffered different body sensations since the abuse, which I never really connected to that abuse, at all. But it haunts me, to prove it. I can’t wear jeans, I was wearing them at the time I was abused. (And to clarify on the abuse, she fondled me, while I was clothed, and then put her hand in my pants and eventually performed oral sex, ON A 3 OR 4 YEAR OLD CHILD) while my brother who is a year and a half younger than me slept in the same bed next to me. Which who knows, its never really been talked about, but it could have affected him too, I’m not sure if he even woke up or even understood with him being so young, because I didn’t even know what was going on. But ever since, I have never been able to wear anything remotely tight in that area of that material, another example is, of snowsuits children wear to play out in the snow, I would get a body sensation in that area, that made me uncomfortable while wearing the suit, almost because I was frustrated, because of how it fit on top of other clothing, it was too tight. Which is similar to the abuse experience. But to move on to further explanations I think I took care of that one pretty well. But to clarify it still affects me 21+ years later.
But I get that sensation sometimes when I get frustrated or feel helpless about anything in daily life, its almost like that is the sensation, that was seered into my brain, for it to respond to helplessness or frustration in that manner. I guess trauma can do that to you. I hope and pray that, that can be changed.
The PTSD has also affected my relationships with pretty much everyone. I feel emotionally numb or like I have no “feel good” feelings or if I am feeling good, I think it must be too good to be true, or that something bad is going to happen. I used to be so happy most of the time, I loved my job as an EMT, and also as a volunteer firefighter. But even now the stress and things you see working on the ambulance or when responding on a fire truck to assist in whatever the needs are, can trigger me. Either in what I see or hear, or because of the patients situation or I feel like I’m in a vulnerable situation that my brain trips the fight or flight response because it’s trying to prevent something that could hurt me like in the past. So I believe it is time for me to begin looking or seeking another career very soon.
Sex = Love?
For so long in my late teens and early twenties I thought sex = love. If I was dating a woman and we fought, I thought sex would make it all better. If I was friends with benefits with people who had interest in seeking a relationship, I thought that was good enough. I thought sex made everything okay, it was intimacy, it was love, but now from working through my past as a child I’m beginning to realize there is so much more to love than sex. People can be in love and not have sex for a very long time or ever, now that could be conflicted if you’re with someone who has similar issues and false beliefs. And not only did I think having sex made everything better, but I thought as long as you are good at sex, then nothing else mattered. Now, I am seeing I was far from right, but it took a year and a half of looking into my past and realizing I was wrong all along. I can thank the abuse, acting out, my parents fighting and then making up by having sex and probably many other dysfunctions in my childhood.
Everyone Is Out To Get You, Right?
In my close relationships growing up, I have noticed a trend. A lack of trust in others, before noticing how the past had an effect on me, I noticed, I didn’t trust people, especially ones who got or wanted to be close to me. I always thought my girlfriends were going to cheat on me, or were always lying. And sometimes I picked girls I thought I could save from their problems, and ended up being cheated on or hurt. So it proved my beliefs to be right, that you couldn’t trust people especially ones who were closest to you. But that belief was put into place by my parents, and us being in foster care so much, seeing infidelity in our household and domestic violence, you pick up on what is around you when you’re a child and that’s the perspective you have of the world. And even non intimate relationships, once I was diagnosed with PTSD, I started being on guard, always thinking anyone and everyone had ulterior motives and they just wanted to hurt me, victimize me in some way, somehow. Which led to me isolating and shutting everyone out, because to my brain, it was trying to process past traumas and as far as it knew, everyone was a danger and could harm me or try to take advantage of me. I’m beginning to learn, that isn’t true, and the less attention I pay to my brain sending those signals of danger, the more I can stay grounded and focus on being happy and the great people I surround myself with who do care. Because the PTSD, causes you to feel like the small helpless child you were back when you were hurt, and you have to realize over and over again, you are grown now and able to keep yourself safe. Maybe not ALL the time, but more likely than not. And hopefully the hypervigilance and the need to scan my environment and try to pick out things that might be dangerous, because of my childhood will slowly continue to become less and less aggressive.
I’m going to close this post for now, I am going to add a few more posts following this one to explain other things I have noticed which have helped fuel the PTSD.
Thank you for reading and I hope this helps someone.
Our Past Remains, Unless It's Faced 