We Were Meant To Thrive

 

Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him. —James 1:12

 And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. —Romans 8:28

I haven’t blogged in a few weeks, and most definitely not once a week like I was hoping to do, but here are some of my thoughts:

The title of this post is as it says, and that is Gods’ plan for us. As I know from first hand experience and daily battles, it is hard to sometimes feel as though we are thriving, especially in a life that has been short but packed with many negatives that haunt you day in and day out, as if they stopped for a while or maybe never and then PTSD just continues to make you hyper vigilant and fearful.

Not only surviving but thriving has been on my mind a lot, especially since Thursday evening when I saw my favorite Christian band in concert, which is Casting Crowns. Like a lot of other Christian music whose lyrics dig deep, and chime on the love of Christ, but can still hit home with anyone who knows ups and downs in life. And the trials we may face regardless of how much we love Christ or live to always do our best to do the right thing.  We are still human, we will still know joy sometimes as well as sadness. But as some of you know Casting Crowns new album is titled Thrive and then they have a story behind the huge tree on the cover. But it just goes to show that God wants us to thrive, not to merely survive or squeak by day-to-day.

If you are anything like me maybe you have questioned why you’re here or questioned Gods’ plan for you, or been angry because of what you have endured in this life, asking “Why God, why me?”

But since the Garden of Eden, and the eating of the forbidden fruit, humanity knew our walk in life would never be the same, and also that we have the right to choose, and make our own decisions. And maybe we always try to do the right thing, but that doesn’t mean we won’t be hurt by others, and their poor choices. We all have been on the short end of the stick when it comes to people hurting us and I am sure we all have been guilty once or twice of hurting others. Now I’m not saying a mean comment is the same as abuse, or an attitude is the same as murder, there are extremes. And some effect us more than others. Short term and long-term it all depends on what happened and how much support and care you have gotten after. Now I’ll hit on some stuff that I can relate to and maybe you can too, which is why I even take time to do these posts.

 

As I have mentioned many times before and I’m becoming more and more of an outspoken advocate for Child Abuse victims, I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. I am well aware of the damage that is caused because of it. At the hands of a much older female babysitter when I was around 3-4 years old. And following the abuse, was never given any help for what took place. So at a level of maturity that a toddler has, and the years to come I was left to deal with the after effects on my own and to try to make sense of what happened, which didn’t happen until I was much older. I had very bad anger problems as a child, never knew they were connected. I had “acted out” with other children my age, like 5 or 6 times, because I didn’t know it was wrong. I didn’t even know what it was we were doing, I just knew it had been “taught” to me. No one ever helped me. No one ever told me it was wrong or shouldn’t have happened. No one loved me enough to protect me, no one put their arms around me and loved me unconditionally and showed I could trust them. Not only was I abused as a young child by a babysitter, I was in foster care 3 times which consisted of like 5-6 years between 4 and 12. So not only was I abused but neglected and abandoned by those who should love you the most, which in the end makes you feel ever worse about yourself, like you weren’t good enough or it was your fault.

Not only does hearing of children and adults being abused make me sick to hear or think about, but the way it is minimized and categorized as something aside from abuse is totally asinine. It doesn’t matter if it is a male abusing a female, male abusing a male, or a female abusing a male or female, it is ABUSE, and it is wrong to be viewed as anything else. Children and adolescents are not mature enough or capable of having an adult relationship with someone much older or someone who is an adult. It isn’t possible. So to say a boy who is 3, 4, 5, 8, however old is capable of having a “relationship” with an adult woman or man is ignorant and unintelligent. First off, they aren’t educated at that point, mature enough or have enough knowledge to know what it is that is happening, and it is simply an unfair tug-of-war battle of power by someone much older against someone who is vulnerable.

It’s mind-blowing that a man can abuse a girl, and it is rape or abuse, but a woman can do the same to a boy and it is downplayed. Or minimized as him being lucky, or an initiation and you know what from personal experience, that is how I viewed it for a long time. I never really told anyone because I didn’t think it was a big deal, or I thought once I was older, those things feel kind of good, if I only I were older when she did that…..But the truth is, is  I didn’t know how it would affect me once I realized what was done. I didn’t know that my lack of self-esteem and confidence was because of that. I didn’t realize that I would be diagnosed with PTSD as an adult, and have flashbacks all because of what she did back then. I didn’t know, I would be so angry or that the reason I was is because of that. I didn’t know, it would affect my ability to be close to people, and establish healthy, trusting relationships. I didn’t know, I would internalize it, and be eaten alive by shame and guilt. I didn’t know I would cut and burn myself as a young teenager because I had so much pain inside of me. Not to mention, how often I feel as if I am leading a double life, I am an EMT and a firefighter, here I am every day at work running to people to help their emergencies, and doing all I can to make a difference in their lives, while merely falling apart in my own, wanting to be the rescuer or help people, but I don’t even feel worthy enough to ask for help or to reach out and share my story and bare my face. The desire in me to help other children who are in situations similar to what I grew up in, is burning inside of me, I feel it all the time. But then there is Satan in the back of my head, telling me I am not worthy or that I will be judged or look bad if I speak up. And you know, since trust has always been so hard for me, Satan wins a lot of the time. I start to get my courage up, and have good days and weeks, and feel as if I can change the world, and then Satan tells me, “Man, if you share your story people will think you are weak, less of a man, gay, dangerous to children, and they will minimize it or blame you and you’ll fail and look dumb.” And you know what, this far, he has won. (It’ all fear based and I know I am not alone, its very common among survivors, partially due to the myths that surround child victimization.) Because 99% of people who know me, know nothing about me. They know my name, they know what I do for a living, they know I love Christ, they know where I live or my phone number, but they don’t know my story. They don’t know how hard it is to live a life as if I am okay, and strong because physically speaking, I am well-built and healthy,  but that inside me, I have a void that has never been filled, not yet. That I appear to be strong, and doing well but that’s where people go wrong, someone who is used to hurting they get really good at faking it around people, to keep from drawing attention, and the despair and pain always comes out or emerges when we are alone. I know that Christ can help fill my void, it’s a matter of trusting. It has always been a battle of mine, as far as I can remember. With friends, in my relationships with females growing up, and especially since I was diagnosed with PTSD, I always feel as if people have ulterior motives, whether it’s with me or people close to me. I have extreme difficulty establishing and feeding healthy relationships, in fear of being hurt some way again, instead of risking it, it gets to be easier to isolate but then life is plain and empty. Whether they are romantic relationships with females or just friendships with anyone, growth doesn’t come easy, and I struggle to get close to people or to allow them close to me. It’s a matter of self-doubt because when the traumas happened I couldn’t keep myself safe, and so who is to say I can now? And a matter of fear, of the past repeating itself. Because we may be physically bigger, and stronger but memories don’t know time, so they feel so real.

Another thing that drives me mad, and is internalized by many men, and few women who are abused, is the fear of being “less than” of a man or human, which is much more common in male survivors than women mainly due to society and the fact that mainly women are considered victims and men are referred to as lucky. But what are us “lucky” guys supposed to think of ourselves years later when we are hurting and facing the damage done to us during such encounters. It makes us feel as if we did something to attract the abuse, or that we can’t be real men, because real men protect themselves. Although many times we are young boys, not men. But that’s where memories know no time. The brain doesn’t differentiate the time gap. So in return we become isolated in fear of appearing “vulnerable” again when we never did in the first place, we were just taken advantage of. But in fear of being victimized again or feeling helpless, we keep people at bay, we become rigid in our boundaries and keep everyone out just in case they mean harm or have ulterior motives, we restrict our range of emotions to only anger, and toughness, because if we show love, compassion, tenderness and caring qualities it may appear as if we are weak, or not “manly” enough because those aren’t societies views of masculinity.

So I have a question, how are men supposed to be good fathers and husbands, when the world and societies we live in frown upon men being kind, compassionate, loving, and displaying at times more feminine emotions or qualities. You want children to grow and develop with fathers who are rigid, stern, distant, angry, emotionless, demanding, controlling, instead of with a father who can be child-like and have fun, laugh and play, be loving, compassionate, supportive, and mindful of their children’s needs in life.  Men and women aren’t the only ones suffering because of these guidelines that are taught. The children are paying a high price, a very high price. They are taught at a very young age that boys don’t cry, men are in control always, we are never victims unless you are weak, and it gets passed on and on to future generations, and then a majority of children suffer because those boys turn into men, and those men have sons and daughters and those sons and daughters have children, and if someone like myself isn’t dead set on breaking the cycle it continues to get passed on to their kids, and men forget how to be a real dad, and feel a full range of motions, and be content with being human and having ups and downs, instead of always needing control, and never hurting. Not to mention if those fathers were once victims of abuse, neglect or abandonment and what not and then the internalization of not being a “real man” if ever victimized or hurt, makes a bigger impact on how that man feels about himself and how he relates to the world around him, mostly out of fear, until he continues to grow, learn, and does the work necessary to break through all of those lies that continuously are told to our youth nonstop.

I guess you could look at this way too, outside of fatherhood. Do you want to go to a doctor or have your child go to a doctor who is mean, rigid, disrespectful, lacks compassion and love, and treats everyone poorly? Yeah, I’m sure the answer is no, so why should our boys grow into men feeling the only way they can be real men, is if they do exactly that, and always have control and never be vulnerable. It really blows my mind, and those things need to be changed before more children pay the price.

Just because someone is hurt or victimized as a child or adolescent doesn’t mean they are weak, damaged or less of a man or woman, or incapable of being great human beings and parents. It doesn’t matter if someone is abused by someone of the same-sex or someone of the opposite sex, it’s abuse, none-the-less. Not an act of consensual sex, it’s an act of abuse of power on part of the abuser, for them to know the difference, and know what they are doing, and to do it anyways, to someone vulnerable or uneducated. It doesn’t make a man “gay” or a woman a “lesbian”, and it does NOT mean that they will abuse others. If anything it will keep someone from ever wanting to do something like that, because we know how much pain it causes. And abuse doesn’t make someones sexual orientation, although they say it can cause confusion, which means they may not be comfortable with taking part in sex, because they were introduced to it through abuse, or maybe they are very promiscuous because they relate to sex as love. Or if they were abused from someone of the same-sex, and experienced any pleasurable feelings during the traumatic event, because the body responds through a physiological response, not by choice they may not know why if they are heterosexual that their body responded the way it did, why your body deceives you. They also say that, sexual orientation is determined early on in life, and most people who identify as homosexual, had feelings of being different or of being homosexual before their abuse. But there is a lot of research into what impacts someones sexual identity and human sexuality, and I am no scientist. But there are classes in college regarding such topics.

But those are all very damaging myths, just because a couple fit that mold, it isn’t right to fit all under that judgment, that just adds more weight onto someone who is healing from abuse, and trying to rebuild their confidence and self-esteem enough to carry out Gods’ plan for us. Not any 2 cases are identical, so everyone who has been abused shouldn’t be treated the same, or categorized as dangerous, gay, damaged, less than; doing so is further damaging.

So if you are a survivor I send my prayers and well wishes and I hope this helped, feel free to share it to help others, or if you aren’t, I would advise you to become further educated before you choose to speak freely on a topic such as this, speaking without education would be speaking out of pure ignorance, and makes you look silly once the facts are shown. We can together continue to move forward to help one another heal, and to bring awareness because we have to be the ones to share our stories and stop it. And as we do that we all become better spouses, fathers, mothers, sons, daughters, teachers, coaches, pastors, and friends. Put and keep your trust in Him, He will never leave us nor forsake us.

 

Please share, and educate others!

God Bless

 

 

I Was Abused, Victimized, Does That Mean I Am Still A Real Man? Yes, it does!

“When you come to the edge of all the light you have, and must take a step into the darkness of the unknown, believe that one of two things will happen. Either there will be something solid for you to stand on – or you will be taught how to fly.”

About that time the disciples came to Jesus and asked, “Who is greatest in the Kingdom of Heaven?” Jesus called a little child to him and put the child among them. Then he said, “I tell you the truth, unless you turn from your sins and become like little children, you will never get into the Kingdom of Heaven. So anyone who becomes as humble as this little child is the greatest in the Kingdom of Heaven. –Matthew 18:1

One thing I have noticed by many books I have read, about sexually abused children, and how it affects them as adults is, their fight or battle for finding authenticity. It doesn’t matter if you were 2 or 14, abuse is abuse. Some say the damage is worse the younger the victim and that may be true just due to lack of knowledge on topics such as sex, human sexuality and so on. Because young children toddlers and up until the age of maybe 8-10 kids don’t know a whole lot about sex, who goes with who, what is right and what is wrong, unless they have been taught that, but then again at a young age, parents normally don’t cross those bridges quite yet. So it is left up to children to figure it out on their own, by learning as they go, and abuse sometimes complicates that. It adds confusion as to what is love and real intimacy, as to who you can trust and if you do what they will expect and worse yet to try to figure out, what in the world happened to you when you were abused. Especially because the human sexual organs are made to where certain touches or gestures feel good and cause arousal for both boys and girls, so you aren’t sure what to make of the abuse either, because it could have felt good. Which causes more secondary wounding sometimes, because kids act out what they are taught or what they know, like if a kid hears an adult swear, he/she may copy, same as if they are touched inappropriately, they don’t know it isn’t right to do, so they may repeat what was done to them or have others do to them what was done to them originally. Which adds to the confusion because not only was it done to you, now you’re trying to make sense by repeating it, but children don’t have any other choice if they aren’t given proper help following incidents, especially if adults never knew about it. But I stress, I have read numerous books, and websites and acting out to try to make sense of the event is TOTALLY normal. And for a long time I thought I was so different because I acted out following my abuse, with both sexes. With 3 or 4 girls and 2 boys. It only happened one time, per peer, so they were isolated incidents with each of the 5 or 6, but it was enough to make me feel even worse as a person. Let me remind you, I was between the ages of  approx. 5-8 when the acting out took place, so I was still a very young child. Lacking knowledge and experience in life, especially things of that nature.

Now certain things are normal for different age groups, I’ve read on legitimate websites that, touching, looking at, and even rubbing your privates on peers when being children of certain age groups is normal, which all goes into curiosity. I included a website to refer to also. But we get into trouble and abuse should, SHOULD, should be looked into when the line is crossed, when it goes from normal touching, rubbing or looking into taking part in adult like sexual activities.

But back to the meaning of this post, not that, those things I discussed previously aren’t important, because they are. But a huge issue for men, who were abused as children, whether by male or female, and regardless of acting out, is whether or not we are REAL men. Because society tells us, men are submissive, we are in control, we always want sex, and should know everything, boys don’t do things with other boys, and girls don’t do things with other girls. Which sexual abuse goes against all of that, and complicates the views that society gives us. Well, society is wrong. As we all know society is wrong in a lot of areas already, it is in this one also. You can be a real man, you can be a great father, doctor, pastor, counselor, friend. You can do all of those things, now it may take a while to heal from the pain of your childhood as I have come to learn quite well. But there is hope and healing is possible. You didn’t know what was right or wrong when you were young and taken advantage of. Your innocent taken from you like a thief in the night. (In my case, it was night) It is a slow process, you didn’t get hurt and all of that pain built up overnight, its taken years to break you down, it will take months or years to get it into proper perspective aside from all of the confusion and misconceptions the abuse caused, don’t lose hope and faith. I was close to losing both. I wondered a lot if things would ever make sense, if people actually care and could be trusted, I was contemplating getting a gun, it was a nice gun, but just in case I ever decided I wanted to end it. Which not too long ago I thought about daily and way more than once. It brought me down to balling my eyes out multiple times, calling the church I had stopped going to, hence me losing faith or hope, crying on the phone with the pastor, saying I needed help or this (the PTSD)  was going to kill me, I went to church this past Sunday, and balled again, knowing and realizing people do care and are willing to help, they will talk with you, they do love you, and don’t want anything from you, no ulterior motives, they won’t abuse you or take advantage and that trust isn’t totally hopeless either.  And I prayed and they prayed and I’m not done yet, the pastor is setting me up with a program to continue my healing, but since then so much, and I mean huge amounts of stuff has started to get into the right perspective, the blame, the responsibility, where it belongs or belonged, different things that took place when I was a child has started to make sense and for so long now it hasn’t. And I plan to continue writing blogs, to heal myself and to help others. When you keep everything in, like PTSD can cause you to do, it wants you to isolate, just like the devil does, they both don’t want you happy. Even if you don’t have PTSD, abuse and similar experiences aren’t exactly something you like to open up about in fear of judgement and in fear of losing people, but if they truly care, they will be there to listen, to allow you to cry on their shoulder and they won’t leave. If they leave when times are hard they were never there for you or true in the beginning. Think about it, if someone came to you hurt and upset about the same things you have gone through, would you push them aside or what would you tell them? Or do for them? You would more than likely listen, talk, give advice or help them get well. Well you deserve the same exact thing and nothing less. Believe it! This is your life and you are worth it, you are worth it to heal, grow, become whole, and to help others. And one day you’ll rejoice about it. 

Luke 8:43-48

43 A woman in the crowd had suffered for twelve years with constant bleeding,[a] and she could find no cure. 44 Coming up behind Jesus, she touched the fringe of his robe. Immediately, the bleeding stopped. 45 “Who touched me?” Jesus asked. Everyone denied it, and Peter said, “Master, this whole crowd is pressing up against you.”46 But Jesus said, “Someone deliberately touched me, for I felt healing power go out from me.” 47 When the woman realized that she could not stay hidden, she began to tremble and fell to her knees in front of him. The whole crowd heard her explain why she had touched him and that she had been immediately healed. 48 “Daughter,” he said to her, “your faith has made you well. Go in peace.”

An Update Of Recent Things That Have Come To My Attention:

As most of you who follow my blog know, I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, neglect, abandonment, I was in foster care 3 times between the ages of 4 and 10 for a total of like 5 years or so, I’ve witnessed both parents attempt suicide, witnessed numerous accounts of domestic violence, my parents with one another and with others while they were apart engage in sexual situations, sometimes just feet from us kids, if I sat here and went on and on I’m sure I could come up with many other things that would be disturbing to a child or maybe even an adult. I was also never gotten any help as a child after the sexual abuse by a female babysitter when I was just 3 or 4 years old, I acted out with other kids, trying to make sense of what happened to me, I had anger issues as a young kid that aren’t normal for someone of that age without good reason, I was actually put into a hospital for my anger twice for 3 weeks at a time, and not one professional or caregiver mentioned or even thought of sexual abuse, which is a tall tale sign of sexual abuse in children. Nope, not one. And as a child you don’t know what to talk about with therapists nor do you even know what their job is. Its again the adults job, just like taking care of and keeping the children safe, is also their responsibility. In which, the ball was dropped, time and time again, and I suffered time and time again and still am. But I have said all of that in different ways in some of my other posts so I want to expand on what I have been noticing in the year and a half that I have been recovering from my nervous breakdown which was actually Delayed Onset PTSD cutting through the surface years later to show me exactly how screwed up my life really was. So HERE. WE. GO….

I have noticed, I have suffered different body sensations since the abuse, which I never really connected to that abuse, at all. But it haunts me, to prove it. I can’t wear jeans, I was wearing them at the time I was abused. (And to clarify on the abuse, she fondled me, while I was clothed, and then put her hand in my pants and eventually performed oral sex, ON A 3 OR 4 YEAR OLD CHILD) while my brother who is a year and a half younger than me slept in the same bed next to me. Which who knows, its never really been talked about, but it could have affected him too, I’m not sure if he even woke up or even understood with him being so young, because I didn’t even know what was going on. But ever since, I have never been able to wear anything remotely tight in that area of that material, another example is, of snowsuits children wear to play out in the snow, I would get a body sensation in that area, that made me uncomfortable while wearing the suit, almost because I was frustrated, because of how it fit on top of other clothing, it was too tight. Which is similar to the abuse experience. But to move on to further explanations I think I took care of that one pretty well. But to clarify it still affects me 21+ years later.

But I get that sensation sometimes when I get frustrated or feel helpless about anything in daily life, its almost like that is the sensation, that was seered into my brain, for it to respond to helplessness or frustration in that manner. I guess trauma can do that to you. I hope and pray that, that can be changed.

The PTSD has also affected my relationships with pretty much everyone. I feel emotionally numb or like I have no “feel good” feelings or if I am feeling good, I think it must be too good to be true, or that something bad is going to happen. I used to be so happy most of the time, I loved my job as an EMT, and also as a volunteer firefighter. But even now the stress and things you see working on the ambulance or when responding on a fire truck to assist in whatever the needs are, can trigger me. Either in what I see or hear, or because of the patients situation or I feel like I’m in a vulnerable situation that my brain trips the fight or flight response because it’s trying to prevent something that could hurt me like in the past. So I believe it is time for me to begin looking or seeking another career very soon.

Sex = Love?

For so long in my late teens and early twenties I thought sex = love. If I was dating a woman and we fought, I thought sex would make it all better. If I was friends with benefits with people who had interest in seeking a relationship, I thought that was good enough. I thought sex made everything okay, it was intimacy, it was love, but now from working through my past as a child I’m beginning to realize there is so much more to love than sex. People can be in love and not have sex for a very long time or ever, now that could be conflicted if you’re with someone who has similar issues and false beliefs. And not only did I think having sex made everything better, but I thought as long as you are good at sex, then nothing else mattered. Now, I am seeing I was far from right, but it took a year and a half of looking into my past and realizing I was wrong all along. I can thank the abuse, acting out, my parents fighting and then making up by having sex and probably many other dysfunctions in my childhood.

Everyone Is Out To Get You, Right?

In my close relationships growing up, I have noticed a trend. A lack of trust in others, before noticing how the past had an effect on me, I noticed, I didn’t trust people, especially ones who got or wanted to be close to me. I always thought my girlfriends were going to cheat on me, or were always lying. And sometimes I picked girls I thought I could save from their problems, and ended up being cheated on or hurt. So it proved my beliefs to be right, that you couldn’t trust people especially ones who were closest to you. But that belief was put into place by my parents, and us being in foster care so much, seeing infidelity in our household and domestic violence, you pick up on what is around you when you’re a child and that’s the perspective you have of the world. And even non intimate relationships, once I was diagnosed with PTSD, I started being on guard, always thinking anyone and everyone had ulterior motives and they just wanted to hurt me, victimize me in some way, somehow. Which led to me isolating and shutting everyone out, because to my brain, it was trying to process past traumas and as far as it knew, everyone was a danger and could harm me or try to take advantage of me. I’m beginning to learn, that isn’t true, and the less attention I pay to my brain sending those signals of danger, the more I can stay grounded and focus on being happy and the great people I surround myself with who do care. Because the PTSD, causes you to feel like the small helpless child you were back when you were hurt, and you have to realize over and over again, you are grown now and able to keep yourself safe. Maybe not ALL the time, but more likely than not. And hopefully the hypervigilance and the need to scan my environment and try to pick out things that might be dangerous, because of my childhood will slowly continue to become less and less aggressive.

I’m going to close this post for now, I am going to add a few more posts following this one to explain other things I have noticed which have helped fuel the PTSD.

Thank you for reading and I hope this helps someone.

Tired.

I’m so tired.

Tired of trying to be strong.

Of not loving myself.

Of PTSD.

The past never going away.

IT NEVER GOES AWAY.

Of not trusting, anyone.

Feeling damaged.

Feeling like I don’t know myself anymore.

Of not being happy.

Of the triggers.

Feeling like being dead is easier than this.

Tired of not being able to go back and change things in my life.

Of not being able to understand why people do things to kids, when they are innocent.

Tired of the effects abuse has had on me, and others everywhere.

Of being SO angry, and just waiting to hurt someone.

Feeling like I’m not going to have a fulfilled life, wife and kids, I felt like I would before last fall.

Of not having any self esteem, or self love.

What is that anyways?

I don’t feel strong from making it through what I went through.

I feel damaged, weak, hateful, angry, unstable, confused, regretful, sad, lost, broken, pissed off, So PISSED off, mistrustful, on guard, pain,  misunderstood, distanced, tension, SO MUCH ANGER, revengeful, fearful, IRATE, alone, different, shameful, guilt, losing FAITH, incomplet-.

Not much of that sounds like a survivor to me. & I’m not even sure what to do anymore. The fact that everything caused so much trouble at the age of 23 and now 24, when it all happened almost 20 years ago, is mind blowing.

Raising Your Hand For Help, And Being Told To Put It Down

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. –Psalm 147:3

He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” –Revelation 21:4

He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, so that we might die to sins and live for righteousness; by his wounds you have been healed. –1 Peter 2:24

As you all know if you have read my blog, my life has been far from perfect and filled with trauma after trauma and many struggles due to the chaos I endured. But I am here to say, I post about these things to help others, my healing journey began 15-20 years after most of my traumas and so I know how difficult it can be and healing is a JOURNEY, it does not happen overnight, just like the damage wasn’t done overnight either. So, as I blog, and help others, I am still healing myself. It is not for sympathy or for people to come to my rescue, I have God on my side, and this is my calling from Him and a part of His plan, for me to take my struggles and pain and help others.

So, since I addressed that particular subject I want to focus on something quite a bit different in this post. I don’t want to keep you waiting too long so I’ll let you know now. This post will be regarding everyone who has endured traumatic experiences at a young age, whether it be abuse of some sort, domestic violence, or anything else, who realized after the fact as they gained more knowledge that something was wrong or shouldn’t have happened and did, reached out, just to be told, “Oh, that’s normal” or just shot down completely like what they were addressing wasn’t important or wasn’t worthy of assisting them in getting help.

I’ll start off by throwing my experiences out there and then expand, but I am sure some or many of you who are reading this will be able to relate.

At the age of 3 or 4 I was sexually abused by a female babysitter, in which I remembered, told my parents after the fact and was never put into counseling or anything. As far as they were concerned, their drinking was more important and the abuse was normal. So that was one instance and at that age telling them was about all I could do. So no counseling for that particular trauma so I remembered it, the feelings of what happened and the mixed emotions of helplessness but also, as a human, those kinds of touches stimulate parts of your body that physiologically are meant and supposed to feel good. Now I cant stress enough, that DOES NOT mean you enjoyed the abuse; it strictly is a natural reaction that occurs in the human body when stimulated.

So, that trauma was never addressed and I was never helped, so my brain was not developed in that area yet and I didn’t have the education required to understand it. Although I had reached out for help doing as much as I could or knew to at the time, which was falling back on those who were supposed to keep me safe and help me in times of need.

So that abuse occurred at the age of 3 or 4 which had affected me, but what I am about to discuss has affected me so much more than the pain and suffering I endured because of my abuse. As a young child brought up in a household filled with drugs, alcohol, abuse, domestic violence, neglect, and anything else you can think of, there was not much guidance or support by our parents, they shouldn’t have been and were not prepared to bring children into the chaotic lives they had already endured but they did; and through all of the pain and suffering for that I am grateful, because if not I may not be here today. And knowing that God knew me before I took one breath on this earth, before I blinked or took a step He knew what I would endure, He knew every struggle, pain, and event that would wound my being, but He also knew that in His timing, He would cleanse me of those hurts, soften my heart that had been hardened and give me His strength to endure the healing process and not to lean on my own understanding but have faith in trust in His promises and His goodness and the plan He has for me.

So this next aspect of my trauma, still to this day has a hold on me, not like it did in the past weeks, months, or years because I have been doing my work and have a better understanding regarding it. But the aspect would be that of, being abused and then in the next months or years proceeding the abuse after being denied help or assistance and lacking proper knowledge and education on the topic of sex, was reenacting the abuse with other kids my age at the time. It was a few incidents, always isolated incidents per person, both boys and girls,  but nonetheless they still occurred. Which if you read about child sexual abuse it is common for kids to reenact all kinds of different things that occur to them, either in them doing them or having others do them. Or both. Just like if you hear your parents swear, or throw something, you may see that and do the same thing in your own behavior because as far you know its normal and just what you do, its how kids learn.  And from a young age I was like the only one responsible in our household, even when I shouldn’t have been so the fact that, that occurred and even though I know and realize I wasn’t responsible because I didn’t have the proper knowledge it still kills me and I have still felt responsible. And knowing the fact that I reached out to my parents regarding my abuse and they never got me help and that could have prevented anything else from happening but all a kid can do is reach out, they cant help themselves too. That’s where the responsibility lies, not on the child who was abused.

So after the acting out took place with other kids between the ages of 6 and 8 or around that time, it didn’t cause any anxiety or bother me because I didn’t have the knowledge to know what took place wasn’t right. But in the years following what took place, I began to remember what took place and since I had more knowledge and education I realized what took place wasn’t right and should have never happened. So I went to my mother and told her what had taken place and her reply was “Oh, that’s normal, kids experiment” which in a sense she was right, there is a sense of curiosity all kids obtain from being human, but there is a line you can cross from normal experimentation of looking, touching and such to more adult like sexual acts and kids not having a way of knowing that knowledge unless they were abused or introduced to it someway somehow. So my whole life from the age of like 6 or 7 until 23 when I was diagnosed with CPTSD I had thought what happened was experimenting and normal for kids, and every time it would come up on occasion and trigger anxiety I would bury it and reaffirm what my mother told me, which was it was normal and experimenting. Because once again I fell back on those who were supposed to know and support and protect me, and I was mislead once again.

So I have carried an extreme sense of over responsibility my whole life, about things that didn’t belong to me, but since no one else who should have been responsible would claim it, and me being the “mature” one in the house I took all of the responsibility and blame. It wasn’t mine to bear, but in my eyes someone had to be responsible so like many other abuse victims I found it easier to blame myself than it was put the blame where it belonged. No kid wants to believe their parents are unfit or bad, if you see it that way and accept that at a young age, wouldn’t it leave you feeling even more insecure and with more uncertainty than thinking they are okay and blaming yourself and thinking of yourself as bad.

So, it just goes to show how people who were abused cling to responsibility that doesn’t belong to them, and how it harbors negative self worth feelings and feelings of guilt, shame, disgust and poor self image and makes them feel like they don’t belong, are damaged or don’t belong. And to have known something was wrong after the fact as I gained more knowledge in the coming years and to be told it was normal and that what happened was normal, when the way you felt inside told you it wasn’t, but what is a kid to do? Other than to just try to accept it and move on, well when you know different and you try to bury something that still has a hold on you, a tighter grip than anything I can describe, it is bound to come out. In my case, I developed delayed onset of PTSD. It’s been a long road in the last 9 months, coming to terms with things not being how you thought they were almost your whole life and seeing how things have affected your feelings about yourself, your worth, and feelings when you never thought any of it had affected you at all. Well we are all human, and not invincible and it will come out when your brain is ready and knows you can handle it. Also how I have always pushed the girls who would be good for me away, because I wasn’t used to someone who actually cared for me, and then I’d find the girls who needed “fixed” or couldn’t give me what I needed and try to save them, in which I will discuss in a later post since I understand that now too. But it is amazing the relief you begin to experience and the sense of calmness, that you experience once you have begun your journey of healing that inner child, that was always let down and expected bad things or failures. And how you finally begin to see how it all affected you and how you never felt good enough or like you had to gain everyone’s approval. God has a plan for all of us, He knew us before, and He knows what we have endured, He also gives His hardest battles to His strongest soldiers. He will NEVER give you more than you can handle. It isn’t easy, and healing is not fun, and no one ever said it would be fun or easy, just that it would be worth it.

So if you were or have been let down continuously and it has caused you to harbor negative feelings about yourself, or make you feel damaged or not good enough, and like you always needed everyone else’s acceptance, you do not, you were made in the image of Christ Himself, God knew your story before you existed, so find relief in that. You have never been alone and His plans are for you to be successful and experience joy and all of the great things that this life has to offer in His Kingdom. He wants you to heal and to finally become whole and it is possible, it wont be easy or fun, but from experience and from someone as myself who isn’t done healing yet but can see and feel the difference, it is worth it. Those hurts give you a jaded view of this world and different aspects of it. Its time to reach out for help now that we are adults and take responsibility for our healing, since those who were responsible for our safety didn’t carry out their duties and we paid the price.

Reaching out for help is a sign of maturity and knowing that you are not where you want to be in this life and that you want all you can have out of this life and so much more. So swallow your pride, and begin healing, you deserve it, and will appreciate it! The responsibility of those things happening does NOT belong to you. But no one can get you help besides you, so what are you waiting for?

If anyone has any questions or wants help let me know, I will do what I can for anyone and everyone. I hope everyone who needs healing seeks it and begins what is a painful but rewarding journey.

God bless!