An Update Of Recent Things That Have Come To My Attention:

As most of you who follow my blog know, I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, neglect, abandonment, I was in foster care 3 times between the ages of 4 and 10 for a total of like 5 years or so, I’ve witnessed both parents attempt suicide, witnessed numerous accounts of domestic violence, my parents with one another and with others while they were apart engage in sexual situations, sometimes just feet from us kids, if I sat here and went on and on I’m sure I could come up with many other things that would be disturbing to a child or maybe even an adult. I was also never gotten any help as a child after the sexual abuse by a female babysitter when I was just 3 or 4 years old, I acted out with other kids, trying to make sense of what happened to me, I had anger issues as a young kid that aren’t normal for someone of that age without good reason, I was actually put into a hospital for my anger twice for 3 weeks at a time, and not one professional or caregiver mentioned or even thought of sexual abuse, which is a tall tale sign of sexual abuse in children. Nope, not one. And as a child you don’t know what to talk about with therapists nor do you even know what their job is. Its again the adults job, just like taking care of and keeping the children safe, is also their responsibility. In which, the ball was dropped, time and time again, and I suffered time and time again and still am. But I have said all of that in different ways in some of my other posts so I want to expand on what I have been noticing in the year and a half that I have been recovering from my nervous breakdown which was actually Delayed Onset PTSD cutting through the surface years later to show me exactly how screwed up my life really was. So HERE. WE. GO….

I have noticed, I have suffered different body sensations since the abuse, which I never really connected to that abuse, at all. But it haunts me, to prove it. I can’t wear jeans, I was wearing them at the time I was abused. (And to clarify on the abuse, she fondled me, while I was clothed, and then put her hand in my pants and eventually performed oral sex, ON A 3 OR 4 YEAR OLD CHILD) while my brother who is a year and a half younger than me slept in the same bed next to me. Which who knows, its never really been talked about, but it could have affected him too, I’m not sure if he even woke up or even understood with him being so young, because I didn’t even know what was going on. But ever since, I have never been able to wear anything remotely tight in that area of that material, another example is, of snowsuits children wear to play out in the snow, I would get a body sensation in that area, that made me uncomfortable while wearing the suit, almost because I was frustrated, because of how it fit on top of other clothing, it was too tight. Which is similar to the abuse experience. But to move on to further explanations I think I took care of that one pretty well. But to clarify it still affects me 21+ years later.

But I get that sensation sometimes when I get frustrated or feel helpless about anything in daily life, its almost like that is the sensation, that was seered into my brain, for it to respond to helplessness or frustration in that manner. I guess trauma can do that to you. I hope and pray that, that can be changed.

The PTSD has also affected my relationships with pretty much everyone. I feel emotionally numb or like I have no “feel good” feelings or if I am feeling good, I think it must be too good to be true, or that something bad is going to happen. I used to be so happy most of the time, I loved my job as an EMT, and also as a volunteer firefighter. But even now the stress and things you see working on the ambulance or when responding on a fire truck to assist in whatever the needs are, can trigger me. Either in what I see or hear, or because of the patients situation or I feel like I’m in a vulnerable situation that my brain trips the fight or flight response because it’s trying to prevent something that could hurt me like in the past. So I believe it is time for me to begin looking or seeking another career very soon.

Sex = Love?

For so long in my late teens and early twenties I thought sex = love. If I was dating a woman and we fought, I thought sex would make it all better. If I was friends with benefits with people who had interest in seeking a relationship, I thought that was good enough. I thought sex made everything okay, it was intimacy, it was love, but now from working through my past as a child I’m beginning to realize there is so much more to love than sex. People can be in love and not have sex for a very long time or ever, now that could be conflicted if you’re with someone who has similar issues and false beliefs. And not only did I think having sex made everything better, but I thought as long as you are good at sex, then nothing else mattered. Now, I am seeing I was far from right, but it took a year and a half of looking into my past and realizing I was wrong all along. I can thank the abuse, acting out, my parents fighting and then making up by having sex and probably many other dysfunctions in my childhood.

Everyone Is Out To Get You, Right?

In my close relationships growing up, I have noticed a trend. A lack of trust in others, before noticing how the past had an effect on me, I noticed, I didn’t trust people, especially ones who got or wanted to be close to me. I always thought my girlfriends were going to cheat on me, or were always lying. And sometimes I picked girls I thought I could save from their problems, and ended up being cheated on or hurt. So it proved my beliefs to be right, that you couldn’t trust people especially ones who were closest to you. But that belief was put into place by my parents, and us being in foster care so much, seeing infidelity in our household and domestic violence, you pick up on what is around you when you’re a child and that’s the perspective you have of the world. And even non intimate relationships, once I was diagnosed with PTSD, I started being on guard, always thinking anyone and everyone had ulterior motives and they just wanted to hurt me, victimize me in some way, somehow. Which led to me isolating and shutting everyone out, because to my brain, it was trying to process past traumas and as far as it knew, everyone was a danger and could harm me or try to take advantage of me. I’m beginning to learn, that isn’t true, and the less attention I pay to my brain sending those signals of danger, the more I can stay grounded and focus on being happy and the great people I surround myself with who do care. Because the PTSD, causes you to feel like the small helpless child you were back when you were hurt, and you have to realize over and over again, you are grown now and able to keep yourself safe. Maybe not ALL the time, but more likely than not. And hopefully the hypervigilance and the need to scan my environment and try to pick out things that might be dangerous, because of my childhood will slowly continue to become less and less aggressive.

I’m going to close this post for now, I am going to add a few more posts following this one to explain other things I have noticed which have helped fuel the PTSD.

Thank you for reading and I hope this helps someone.

The Ongoing Battle For Authenticity Of A Survivor

As a male survivor of childhood sexual abuse and unwanted sexual contact as a young child because of my abuse, I know first hand the effects it can have. I also know it can take quite a while for those consequences to kick in, my biggest issues popping up 15-20 years later capped with delayed onset PTSD. It ROCKED my world. The world that I always knew was no longer that innocent and trustworthy, although I had trust issues my whole life, but domestic violence and foster care, topped with abuse will do that to a person. But my post is supposed to be about the battles we have as male survivors, well first off, society says men “can’t” or “shouldn’t” be victims, or that REAL men can’t be taken advantage of, which is furthest from the truth but it takes a toll on our self esteem and us speaking out because we feel we should’ve been able to stop it or make better choices, or in my case it happened when I was 3 with a much older babysitter, and growing up I always felt like it was an early initiation to sex and if only I were older…not realizing yet how much it messed me up. It gave me bad anger issues as a child, keep me from wearing jeans, to this day, I was in jeans the night it happened. It’s crazy how your body can remember and connect things.

Also society seems to believe anyone who is sexually abused will be an abuser, which is also a very false statement. Anyone can do something that extreme and tragic, its all about choice making, not whether you have been abused or not. So it scares us as men survivors because we think people will be afraid to have us around their kids, or that they will think different of us, when we were the victims, not the perpetrator, so don’t convict us with something that we aren’t.

My sexual abuse happened at a very young age, and I was never gotten any help, which in turned caused me to act out sexually as a child, with both girls and boys. Kids don’t have the knowledge to know guys go with girls, or even what sex is and what they are doing, they are either replaying what happened to them, either by doing it or having others do it. Sex feels good, whether we are 3 or 43, its how our bodies are made, so we don’t know what we are doing is wrong, but if we aren’t helped and taught about what happened, it can cause problems later, because the amount of shame and guilt eats away at us from the inside out, it tears us apart. From us “allowing” us to be abused, to the acting out, we feel we should have known better, should have stopped our abuse which would in turn keep the acting out from occurring which is impossible. We wonder and question ourselves in how the acting out, even if it wasn’t forced, how it could have affected those other kids and their lives. Kids aren’t equipped like that and its unfortunate because then we beat ourselves up for being victimized and look at it from an adult viewpoint than from a small child’s. But guilt and shame knows no difference and will eat away no matter how old you are.

Masculinity-

1.

pertaining to or characteristic of a man or men: masculine attire.

2.

having qualities traditionally ascribed to men, as strength and boldness.

That definition alone, can hurt a man who has survived abuse, because society takes it and runs with it. So it isn’t viewed as boys victimized, its viewed as a man who was taken advantage of or who was too weak to stop the perpetrator. So we once we realize the damage done by the abuse, there is secondary wounding because then we start to question our “manliness” and our ability to fight people off.

Why did they pick me?

Did that person see me as weak or vulnerable, more so than others?

Am I a real man because I was abused and couldn’t protect myself?

Will others think I’m a fake because I was abused?

What will they think if they knew I acted out with other kids when I was younger, I didn’t know what I was doing, it wasn’t my fault, but will they think I’m an abuser, or possibly gay because it happened with boys and girls?

As an adult do people view me as weak?

Do people see me as less of a man or a fake?

Even if people don’t know that we have been through we feel sometimes like people can tell our story just by looking at us. They might know nothing more than our names, but we feel like they can see our soul and know our whole story, abuse and all. Will they be able to tell by being around me? Can they tell by how I carry myself? They have to be able to tell…

And on it goes. Which adds more to the inner turmoil because we are essentially making a bigger deal than need be. But we can’t help it we don’t do it on purpose. And then it adds more to the effect of how we feel when being compassionate and friendly, will people take that as weakness? Or being less manly? Real men aren’t soft. But in reality they are, but society says no. Real men can be soft and it not be a problem, but when we have been abused it changes how comfortable we are in our skin. Causes us to judge ourselves and our actions, even innocent ones, and we find a way to make ourselves feel uncomfortable, even when there is no real reason. But we are afraid of what people think of us, and how they must know about our abuse and past, even when there is no way they can. We don’t trust our ability to keep ourselves safe, unless we are extremely rigid, due to being victimized before, even though we were children and are adults now, it doesn’t make a difference to us. We don’t want to take chancing the same thing or something similar happening again.

We don’t even feel comfortable talking to those closest to us, because its traumatic and then we wonder what people will think of us, and we fear the worst, which keeps us from talking. Most men go years before talking about their abuse and realizing how much it hurt us and took a toll. It took me 20 years from my abuse and 15+ since the acting out for me to really realize what happened and why and then to begin talking about it, partially because I began having flashbacks and stuff and was diagnosed with Delayed Onset PTSD. Before that I didn’t realize the affects the abuse had on me as a child. I had signs because of past anger problems and things like that, but I never connected it. PTSD has been difficult to live with, its like your brain gets locked on what happened, on keeping it from happening again, and noticing any possible signs of danger whether perceived or real. Mostly perceived, we don’t want to get caught in that same helpless state as before.

The damage that is done by abuse is REAL. Whether male or female. Men can be abused, whether as kids, or teenagers. And those are some of the fears, issues, and myths of males sexual abuse, I will attach a link to 1in6 which provides more info.

https://1in6.org/therapists-and-other-professionals/myths-facts/

https://1in6.org/therapists-and-other-professionals/get-information-2/online-readings/masculinity-self-esteem-and-identity/how-it-can-be-different-for-men/

Male Survivor links:

http://www.malesurvivor.org/daily-affirmations.html

http://www.malesurvivor.org/ArchivedPages/gartner.html

Another link with Singer Chris Brown mentioned:

http://speakaboutitonline.com/2013/10/09/chris-brown-news/

Trust, And What It Means To Me….

From the age of 2-3 years old before I knew what trust was, it had been broken and continued to be broken many times while growing up. The drinking, fighting, sex, and foster care, my parents said it would change and that we would finally be their top priority  but time and time again they failed at their word. Nothing they ever said stayed true, so in turn it began to take its toll on my ability to trust anyone. In high school I dated a few girls, and talked to a few others in which it never made it very far, because my ability to determine who is trustworthy and who isn’t had been damaged and I feared being hurt again, but I still took the plunge. But as my past has come up and continued to rear its ugly head and has made all of the ways I was deceived, growing up and through the years it has complicated my ability to trust ANYONE.

I chose to date a few girls, who were good looking, but far from trustworthy, either still caught up in prior relationships and I was a rebound, or they just plain didn’t care about anyone but themselves, a lot like my parents when I was growing up. Which in turn caused even more damage than what had already been done. I am now dating a girl who has a pat somewhat similar to mine and we get along pretty well, but I still can’t get myself to trust her much, I always feel it is a matter of time before she hurts me and I’m torn down just like before.

Vulnerability;

a. Susceptible to physical or emotional injury.

b. Susceptible to attack: “We are vulnerable both by water and land, without either fleet or army” (Alexander Hamilton).

c. Open to censure or criticism; assailable.

The letter “A” in this case is where I struggle. I cannot stand being vulnerable. I DO NOT allow myself to put my guard down, because in the back of my mind I know as soon as I do, I’ll end up being hurt once again. It does not help the fact that social networks, cell phones, and email make it so easy for people to be shady and sneak around and hide things. And when someone cheats it always comes out, and the person finds out about it, but I get so caught up in trying to catch it before it happens, because I am tired of feeling that hurt over and over again. I want to so badly get married, and have a family life that I never had growing up, looking back I’m not sure what it is like to be a kid, and to live carelessly. I was always afraid to go back to foster care or caught up in breaking up my parents fights. Walking in on inappropriate things for a young kid to be walking in on. Those scars I’ll carry forever, the images, sounds and feelings that those things bombarded me with.

I’m not even sure how to go about letting down my guard, or allowing myself to let someone in and to TRUST them 100%. Every time I try to, I am overtaken by a huge feeling of anxiousness and my mind immediately goes to worst case scenario. If texts aren’t being replied to, or we haven’t talked in a while or something doesn’t seem normal, I don’t think like “Oh, she’s probably just busy” or something along those lines, I was think that she is with someone else or I feel as if I need to find out as soon as I can what’s going on, to squash it before it happens.

I HATE being like this, I know why I feel like this, and what has taken place over the years, to make me this way. But I am well aware that as long as I can’t trust people to do the right thing, I’ll never have a good relationship, and I refuse to bring a kid into the same life I had growing up.

So how do you do that?

How do you let people in, and think that they will always keep your feelings in mind when living their life when you’re apart?

I’m not quite sure, I have seen a lot of ugly in people and the hurt they are able to put people through. I don’t want to be like this forever, but I’m not sure how to change it, and the post traumatic stress surely doesn’t help either.

I have considered, just being alone forever, and then I only have to worry about what I do, and won’t be at the mercy of another’s choices, but oh what a lonely and miserable life that would be. Then the ability to have kids and give them the childhood I never had is impossible. I’m really at a crossroads in this department in my life, I have a hard time talking to people about all I went through growing up, just like I have a hard time thinking people will make the right choices or if they give me the slightest idea that they aren’t trustworthy, the game is over, because I run with it.

I know quite a few people read my blog, and follow along, and I’d assume some of you have gone through quite a bit yourselves. Any advice or suggestions would be appreciated.

But this is all for now.

Peace out,

     Jesse

Number 23 and His confirmation in me

 

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. –Jeremiah 29:11

 

So as you begin to read you probably don’t attach much significance to the number 23, but there isn’t a number that means more to me than that number. Before I get started talking about this important part of my testimony, I must say there are many different ways our Heavenly Father can speak to us. Sometimes it is through numbers that He makes significant in our life to get His message across, sometimes it is other people that the Holy Spirit speaks through, it may be that you open up the good book to take in His word on your own and it just speaks to your heart like only the Holy Spirit can do, He can and will answer your prayers if you truly believe and put your trust in Him knowing He will never forsake us and His love doesn’t fail. So to get started..

As a young kid, in and out of foster care I attended church off and on with my one foster family. But it never stuck because as soon as we returned to our parents, the drugs and alcohol, sex and their needs took top priority over us after a short time, domestic violence would surface and it was life on repeat. I always had faith though, prayed to God nightly, just wanted to be comforted and feel like I belonged because I didn’t receive the love and affection that children needed, so even as a small child I knew who my Heavenly Father was and what He was capable of, I just wasn’t aware of how to maintain an intimate relationship with Him because it is something you are taught and that was never addressed to me. But now being 23 looking back I know He was watching over me and comforting me, keeping me out of harms way, now you might think, you are saying He kept you out of harms way, but you were sexually abused, witnessed domestic violence and was in and out of foster care, suffered from neglect and abandonment. And yes that is true, but He gives the people He knows can handle the struggles and pain, to be rebuilt into the Godly men and women He needs to be His hands and feet on this earth. It caused pain, and now personal growth, but it could have been a lot worse, it could have been a lot worse, instead of my parents beating each other they could have beat us, we could have been killed, my parents could have carried out suicide rather than just attempting, I mean you might look at the negative and say “Wow, for being so young you have been through so much” <— the glass half empty look or you can say yeah I have been through a lot but I know God has been there all along, He knew me in and out and knew how my story was going to go, He knew it wasn’t going to be easy, but nothing worth it is ever easy, He didn’t want me to stay the person I used to be, filled with hurt stored up way down deep, affecting me in numerous ways, He wanted to open my eyes to the harm that was done, prove to me His love is real, and it never fails and He has been there all along, and all of the humanly flesh may fail us, but He never will. And show me, when you trust in something bigger than yourself and your understanding, and trust in Him and his extraordinary plan for your life, as His child, He will make you soar on the wings of eagles, spreading His great word and glorifying Him.

You may ask, “Well why do I have to trust in Him for Him to work in my life, if He is God and we are His children” Well what good would it do anyone if He just handed out miracles and His good work? And not require us to die of our old selves and to take up our cross daily and trust in Him, who knows best. If you do that, and trust in Him and His plan, He can and will begin to work in your life, but you cant continue to live in total abandon and expect Him to work amongst you, that isn’t glorifying Him, that would be like you spitting in His face time and time again after He helps you out. Who would go for that? Certainly not anyone on earth, so why should our Father, Jehovah, our Creator. Make sense now?

But anyways back to the main theme, at the age of 14 I was going down the wrong path, not doing anything terribly wrong but the crowd I was hanging with did not glorify God, I was smoking cigarettes and no one stopped me, but on March 23rd 2004, I stopped cold turkey, I didn’t want to be smoking and end up having my parents bury their son, it was easy once I put my mind to it and never had a desire to do it again, actually have no idea why I did it to begin with but I know its because I wasn’t raised properly and had no discipline but I grew up quick and was no dummy. So that’s the first instance of 23, and then in high school I played football well by that time I was hooked on number 23, so I drew number 30 for the season and I wanted 23 so I went to the kid who had 23 and he agreed to swap numbers with me, all glory to God. Because people normally don’t give up their numbers easily, he didn’t even argue or attempt. So I wore 23 my senior year just months after struggling with self harm and low self esteem, feeling like damaged goods, so who was in that? If you said God, you were right. And so as life went on, I still loved number 23, and clung to it no matter what I was doing. So last summer rolled around and I was so pumped I have thought for years, when I turn 23 my life will be amazing I will live it up and remember it forever, besides all of the talk about the world ending and the publicity that surrounded that, I was not scared. But little did I know 2+ months after turning 23 I would be diagnosed with Post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) from childhood trauma, having flashback, avoiding things that I never avoided and was never bothered by before and always on alert constantly felt I was in danger or something bad was going to happen, try living like that? Especially 10+ years after the traumas stopped and you were the first person in your immediate family to graduate high school, attend college, been on your own since 19, EMT and firefighter, you live to help people, was working 60-85 hours a week for 6 months making good money between 2 jobs and then your whole world just comes crashing down, but after 2 weeks of suffering God spoke to me and told me to go to church, God placed a wonderful youth Pastor in my path who had just moved to Ohio from North Carolina, still with me another God move, was baptized after being mentored by that fine young man, on November 11, 2012 also known as Veterans Day and is considered by some as PTSD awareness day, although it is in June due to Veterans being prone to PTSD, another God move, it clearly wasn’t planned by the church, I still wasn’t certain on what PTSD exactly was at that time, I prayed for my father who had just gotten out of prison to be shown Gods way and for Him not to bring any harm to Him but to do what He had to do to get his attention, my dad could’ve went back to prison for drinking but didn’t, he slept under a bridge after being denied by 1 Christian recovery center in 25 degree weather to go to another one in the morning which accepted him. An answered prayer, when my father and I hadn’t spoke in weeks and had no clue I was even praying for him. I became a member of my church on February 17th, 2013. I have seen God lead more Godly people into my lives and pull me from others who were holding me back from doing His work and carrying out His plan for my life. God doesn’t like anyone to hold His children back from doing all that they can do. Now that’s a wonderful Father, Amen?

I witnessed Mr Bill Triplett, a former NFL players testimony last night and numerous times, he stared right at me while speaking, there was 25+ of us, could’ve had stared at any of us, he chose me, but it wasn’t him, it was the Holy Spirit confirming in me, the plan I have been questioning that God has for me to pursue ministry. My foster mother and 2 pastors who didn’t know me mentioned ministry to me months ago and I never even thought about it much, I just shook it off, mentioning youth Pastor positions and stuff but I didn’t see it, now I do. And it has been  confirmed by numerous Godly brothers and sisters, and in the Holy Spirit also. So now to carry out God’s mission, glorify Him, boast in my weaknesses, knowing He will always be there and His judgment is all that matters. So, after PTSD and how miserable I was the last 6-8 months, I questioned how great my 23rd year on this earth would be and could’ve easily said I had many others that were better, but now seeing what God has done and the work He has been busy doing, this has easily been the best year of my life. He has a plan for each and every one of us, but He gives us the ability to make a choice, either we can surrender and bow down to Him and He will show us His way or we can take it upon our understanding and try to do it on our own, if you choose to do it that way, good luck, but I’m here to tell you, its much easier to look to Him, He is never wrong, He is always on time and has plans to help us prosper and not to harm us. He will never give us anything that we cannot handle as He knows how our story will begin, how it will go and end.

One last thing regarding 23, the last 2 days a particular scripture kept running over and over again in my head, not the whole thing as I haven’t read it in quite a while and haven’t heard it either, but I kept saying “The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want…” so this morning I still couldn’t shake it so I looked it up, to my surprise, Psalm 23. There’ that number again. God is good!

Now I am on a mission, a Godly mission, to pursue ministry, to help spread our Fathers word and my testimony that glorifies His amazing work and plan. He works for the good of those who love Him. I have my first testimony scheduled for this Sunday and am in contact with many people to get me travelling often to different places to share the good word and what He is capable of.

God Bless

 

 

“I am no longer defined by all of the wreckage behind”

“I am no longer defined by all of the wreckage behind” Hello, my name is by Matthew West

Well, you have heard my story and read some about the full blown effects of PTSD, now to explain all of the different ways it was coming out prior to actually being diagnosed. Outside of 2 of my professions which would be firefighter and EMT, I haven’t witnessed a personal trauma in 11 years or so.

The first effects I believe that the abuse had on me and it coming out would have been in anger issues and behavioral problems between the ages of 5 and 7. For those 2 stints I had in that jail-like behavioral facility for my behavioral problems and acting out, instead of them addressing the root of the problem or even searching for it, it seems almost like it was out of sight out of mind for my caretakers. Putting a child into a facility like that without addressing the REAL issue, or even trying, is like they tried scaring me into being a “good boy”. Looking back I completely disagree with how it was handled, and I believe if they would have given me the help I needed back then the anxiety problems and PTSD might not have played such a significant part in my young life, as it has.

I’m fine with being open, there’s no need in keeping it a secret any longer, I shouldn’t be ashamed of or embarrassed of other peoples actions that affected me negatively. I wasn’t the responsible one,  I was a CHILD. All of those things that happened were their issues, not mine. And I’ve always been very hard on myself, unintentionally and hold myself to abnormally high standards in which my therapist has pointed out numerous times, which is very unhealthy but a hard habit to break. I’m a 23 year old male, but I feel like the life experience I’ve had I’m more like 43. I wasn’t able to be a child, when all the other kids my age were. I was breaking up my parents fights and witnessing all kinds of chaos, that no child should ever have to witness.

The second effect that all of the trauma, being in foster care, and everything else up until the age of 11 or 12 had on me was I wrote a note in middle school saying I thought about killing myself. I don’t think I really wanted to die, but I was so unhappy, I didn’t like being in foster care, AGAIN. I didn’t feel wanted, I wasn’t able to play sports in foster care, so they put me into counseling. But once again it was a short lived counseling journey because they failed to point out the past abuse nor was I ever asked if anything had happened.

Next would have been a few years later, I started having panic attacks when my mothers friend of the same age suddenly passed away from a massive heart attack. I was in Kentucky visiting my father with my brother. I was so worried something was going to happen to my mother, I couldn’t get comfortable, couldn’t sleep well, my limbs would go numb, I felt like I was having a heart attack or going to die. I was very scared I didn’t know what was happening so I had my dad take me to the hospital, they ran tests and when I got back to Ohio I had to get an echocardiogram done because they thought I had an enlarged heart, which it ended up being a little bit bigger but they said it was due to being a runner. Which then led to depression and anxiety for a good year or so.

For a while it had seemed like everyone was getting cancer or dying from it. It was a huge fear of mine for a while but I found out that being that wrapped up in fear or ruminating over something is due to underlying anxiety from past trauma and the helpless feeling I have felt over and over. For a few months, I was depressed and went through a stage where I did self harm, it wasn’t the first time, I had when I was younger also but thought nothing of it. I had burnt myself with a cigarette on purpose when I was 13 or so. But this time when I was 16, I was using razor blades and had many lacerations on both wrists but more so on my right due to being left handed. I would get lightheaded and feel sick because it was always a weak spot for me, but I did it anyways because I was numb to it after a while. Looking back now from what I know, it was due to the sexual abuse, and the neglect that made me not love myself or feel like “damaged goods” and that was a way to cope with that pain through dissociation. I was in a hospital for a week for that, I got into writing poetry which helped. After a week I got out and didn’t cut anymore but it didn’t solve the problems or heal the pain from the past because it still wasn’t targeted. I NEVER wanted to die, I was dealing with pain that was buried from the past and it was trying to come out, but my brain was protecting me from dealing with it at the time until it was ready. After all I had been through I was extremely unhappy and felt unloved and damaged. After being in foster care numerous times, and not feeling important to your parents, you begin to wonder if you’ll ever be able to trust anyone, because parents are supposed to be the most trustworthy people in a child’s life who teaches them about the world.

Off and on after that I would have some problems with anxiety but nothing major until September of 2012 when I began having flashbacks and thoughts linked to the flashbacks that I couldn’t shake so I went to a therapist who diagnosed me with PTSD which I later found out it was C-PTSD due to it being multiple traumas that I dealt with and needed to work through from other peoples poor choices and how they affected me. Just when I thought my life had finally calmed down, then it decides to come out and floor me and cause all kinds of problems that never existed before which of course there are many symptoms with PTSD that makes it hard to live with. I know recovery is possible it takes time and hard work, but will be well worth it. I plan to help kids and even adults who have dealt with the same stuff to give them somewhere to turn, when I needed somewhere and had nowhere to turn.

About 2 weeks after experiencing flashbacks, I began going to church. Got baptized November 11, 2012 and became a member of my church the beginning of this year with my girlfriend. It has helped me feel grounded and has shown me how much God loves us. I am playing a part in our Easter play, I am a roman soldier who helps arrest Jesus and puts the thieves and Jesus on the crosses. It feels good to be a part of something good, and positive. I constantly listen to Christian music and read scripture. In this life, when you have no where else to turn or especially when times are well, turn to God, He is always there and will not turn His back.

A couple of my favorite Christian songs right now are: Strong enough, and Hello my name is by Matthew West. This Man, and There will be a day by Jeremy Camp. Boasting by Lecrae

Check them out, you won’t be disappointed!

Introducing myself and my journey of what seems like a lifetime.

1 Peter 5:9-10    Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of  suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world. And  after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you  to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and  establish you.

 

First off I want to say thank you for taking the time to stumble along my blog and taking the time to read it. I’m hoping through writing this I’ll  help to improve the lives of others, along with myself. It is no easy task to overcome PTSD, I know that first hand, it is a long road, filled with anger, sadness, grief, emotional numbness, fear, irrational, intrusive thoughts, and it makes it even harder to handle if you’ve lived your life pretty normal, for years before it began effecting you to the point of a diagnosis, and interfering with your life. The sense of loneliness you get while addressing everything is unexplainable, you can be surrounded by people, even better, people who care greatly about you and you still feel alone and like no one understands. But I’ll explain all of this is more detail later on in separate postings. For some information and background on me, I’ll begin that now, then you can understand a little bit more on how I got to this point in this crazy journey we call life.

To get started, I am 23 years old and live on my own, have since I was 19. Very independent, maybe too much at times. 600+ miles from all of my family. The life I have lived up and until the last 3 years, has been far from “normal”. Was far from great, but could have been a lot worse. With that being said, it doesn’t take away from the damage it has done. I’ll begin explaining my story from a long time ago and come up until the present time.

 As far back as I can remember, my childhood was filled with moving often. No sense of security, or certainty in any one area. At the age of 3 or 4 years old after my parents spent the years prior travelling on a sales team across the United States, hotel rooms filled with drugs, alcohol, and violence. Let me add the fact I was almost born in an elevator in a hotel because my father was out too busy partying to be with my mother, knowing I was due at anytime. So after all of the travelling, we finally began trying to settle, trailer park to trailer park, domestic violence, jail visits to see my father and so on. I went to at least, 5 or 6 elementary schools, ELEMENTARY, where children need the most stability to examine and figure out this world we live in, 2 middle schools and finally just 1 high school. So after moving around, my parents began to settle in a small town, 45 minutes southwest of Louisville, KY. About 10 minutes from Fort Knox.

So one evening my father decided he wanted to go out, and this is where the story gets even worse. So his needs, wants or addictions became #1 priority rather than his children’s safety. That evening, he took us to a babysitters house, who wanted to go play bingo, so they of course took us to a friend of theirs to be babysat by their friends teenage daughter, I believe between the age of 16 and 18, an African American family who my parents had never met. (Let me add, there is no prejudice behind me stating that family’s race)   They left, and it was late so my brother and I were put to bed, in a bunk bed, laying side by side and sleeping soundly. When I felt someone crawl into the bed and lay in between us, I thought nothing of it, just thought that person was going to go to bed also, like any 3 or 4 year old would think, at that age you don’t know the world to be that scary of a place to live in. Boy, was I wrong. It wasn’t long after she climbed in bed with us, I began feeling someone messing with my jeans, fumbling around the waistband. Before long, she had began rubbing me, and as a natural reaction I was aroused by it, and she must have enjoyed that reaction my body has. She continued by unbuttoning my pants and performed oral on me, I was scared and had no idea what was taking place or how long it really lasted, it seemed like a long time, but I acted like I slept through it. When she was finished, she put my pants back on and proceeded out to the couch to watch tv. Not long after she felt accomplished or finished with what she set out to do, I needed to use the restroom in which I went out into the living room where she was laying on the couch, was a very awkward moment. I’m not even sure if I had to use the restroom or if I was just trying to make sense of what had just happened. I proceeded to tell my parents what had happened when we got back with them, but not much help or support was provided.

Ill shorten the rest of this blog a bit, that being the biggest factor of most of my struggles, but at a young age being introduced to sexual activity well beyond my years and ability to comprehend would end up effecting me throughout my childhood in different ways and even now into adulthood with dealing with PTSD.

Other major life events that took place and added to PTSD include: Foster care 3 times for a matter of 4.5 years or so, numerous amounts of domestic violence, at times to the point to where one of my parents could have been killed,  jail visits to see my father in whom I was closest to, witnessing my mother attempt suicide, witnessing my father playing heinous jokes like him reenacting his own suicide to where he went as far as putting red dye on the floor, laid in it holding a knife and laid there until my mother called 911 and my brother and I stood there and realized he was breathing, boundaries, they DID NOT exist, childhood filled with lies regarding them straightening out their lives to get us back, witnessing numerous accounts of sexual contact between our parents, and others when they weren’t together, as they were off and on quite often. Constant use of alcohol and drug use which was much more secretive, myself being admitted into a behavioral facility for counseling 2 separate times, for anger problems for a total of 6 weeks both times around Christmas, which was due to the sexual abuse, which no one pinpointed they just insisted on putting me away, that way they wouldn’t have to deal with it and get me help. Also numerous age inappropriate jokes told by my father to myself, my brother, and other children who were our friends, even to the point of almost bullying and making inappropriate remarks to us kids, which made us upset and feel inadequate and question ourselves or not feel loved.   We were only months away from being adopted the last time we were in foster care, how it feels to not be wanted by your parents and the fact they couldn’t give up drugs and alcohol and straighten up their lives for us, we were supposed to matter the most. And even the obsessive amounts of moving I’m sure had an impact, there was never a sense of certainty or stability.

I’m going to close there for now, but I must add, since my diagnosis of PTSD, I would not be where I am without Jesus Christ and my faith being strengthened through Him. He will never let us down or forsake us, no matter where we have been or where we are going, He walks side by side with us and loves us unconditionally.

God Bless and I will be posting more very soon.