I Was Abused, Victimized, Does That Mean I Am Still A Real Man? Yes, it does!

“When you come to the edge of all the light you have, and must take a step into the darkness of the unknown, believe that one of two things will happen. Either there will be something solid for you to stand on – or you will be taught how to fly.”

About that time the disciples came to Jesus and asked, “Who is greatest in the Kingdom of Heaven?” Jesus called a little child to him and put the child among them. Then he said, “I tell you the truth, unless you turn from your sins and become like little children, you will never get into the Kingdom of Heaven. So anyone who becomes as humble as this little child is the greatest in the Kingdom of Heaven. –Matthew 18:1

One thing I have noticed by many books I have read, about sexually abused children, and how it affects them as adults is, their fight or battle for finding authenticity. It doesn’t matter if you were 2 or 14, abuse is abuse. Some say the damage is worse the younger the victim and that may be true just due to lack of knowledge on topics such as sex, human sexuality and so on. Because young children toddlers and up until the age of maybe 8-10 kids don’t know a whole lot about sex, who goes with who, what is right and what is wrong, unless they have been taught that, but then again at a young age, parents normally don’t cross those bridges quite yet. So it is left up to children to figure it out on their own, by learning as they go, and abuse sometimes complicates that. It adds confusion as to what is love and real intimacy, as to who you can trust and if you do what they will expect and worse yet to try to figure out, what in the world happened to you when you were abused. Especially because the human sexual organs are made to where certain touches or gestures feel good and cause arousal for both boys and girls, so you aren’t sure what to make of the abuse either, because it could have felt good. Which causes more secondary wounding sometimes, because kids act out what they are taught or what they know, like if a kid hears an adult swear, he/she may copy, same as if they are touched inappropriately, they don’t know it isn’t right to do, so they may repeat what was done to them or have others do to them what was done to them originally. Which adds to the confusion because not only was it done to you, now you’re trying to make sense by repeating it, but children don’t have any other choice if they aren’t given proper help following incidents, especially if adults never knew about it. But I stress, I have read numerous books, and websites and acting out to try to make sense of the event is TOTALLY normal. And for a long time I thought I was so different because I acted out following my abuse, with both sexes. With 3 or 4 girls and 2 boys. It only happened one time, per peer, so they were isolated incidents with each of the 5 or 6, but it was enough to make me feel even worse as a person. Let me remind you, I was between the ages of  approx. 5-8 when the acting out took place, so I was still a very young child. Lacking knowledge and experience in life, especially things of that nature.

Now certain things are normal for different age groups, I’ve read on legitimate websites that, touching, looking at, and even rubbing your privates on peers when being children of certain age groups is normal, which all goes into curiosity. I included a website to refer to also. But we get into trouble and abuse should, SHOULD, should be looked into when the line is crossed, when it goes from normal touching, rubbing or looking into taking part in adult like sexual activities.

But back to the meaning of this post, not that, those things I discussed previously aren’t important, because they are. But a huge issue for men, who were abused as children, whether by male or female, and regardless of acting out, is whether or not we are REAL men. Because society tells us, men are submissive, we are in control, we always want sex, and should know everything, boys don’t do things with other boys, and girls don’t do things with other girls. Which sexual abuse goes against all of that, and complicates the views that society gives us. Well, society is wrong. As we all know society is wrong in a lot of areas already, it is in this one also. You can be a real man, you can be a great father, doctor, pastor, counselor, friend. You can do all of those things, now it may take a while to heal from the pain of your childhood as I have come to learn quite well. But there is hope and healing is possible. You didn’t know what was right or wrong when you were young and taken advantage of. Your innocent taken from you like a thief in the night. (In my case, it was night) It is a slow process, you didn’t get hurt and all of that pain built up overnight, its taken years to break you down, it will take months or years to get it into proper perspective aside from all of the confusion and misconceptions the abuse caused, don’t lose hope and faith. I was close to losing both. I wondered a lot if things would ever make sense, if people actually care and could be trusted, I was contemplating getting a gun, it was a nice gun, but just in case I ever decided I wanted to end it. Which not too long ago I thought about daily and way more than once. It brought me down to balling my eyes out multiple times, calling the church I had stopped going to, hence me losing faith or hope, crying on the phone with the pastor, saying I needed help or this (the PTSD)  was going to kill me, I went to church this past Sunday, and balled again, knowing and realizing people do care and are willing to help, they will talk with you, they do love you, and don’t want anything from you, no ulterior motives, they won’t abuse you or take advantage and that trust isn’t totally hopeless either.  And I prayed and they prayed and I’m not done yet, the pastor is setting me up with a program to continue my healing, but since then so much, and I mean huge amounts of stuff has started to get into the right perspective, the blame, the responsibility, where it belongs or belonged, different things that took place when I was a child has started to make sense and for so long now it hasn’t. And I plan to continue writing blogs, to heal myself and to help others. When you keep everything in, like PTSD can cause you to do, it wants you to isolate, just like the devil does, they both don’t want you happy. Even if you don’t have PTSD, abuse and similar experiences aren’t exactly something you like to open up about in fear of judgement and in fear of losing people, but if they truly care, they will be there to listen, to allow you to cry on their shoulder and they won’t leave. If they leave when times are hard they were never there for you or true in the beginning. Think about it, if someone came to you hurt and upset about the same things you have gone through, would you push them aside or what would you tell them? Or do for them? You would more than likely listen, talk, give advice or help them get well. Well you deserve the same exact thing and nothing less. Believe it! This is your life and you are worth it, you are worth it to heal, grow, become whole, and to help others. And one day you’ll rejoice about it. 

Luke 8:43-48

43 A woman in the crowd had suffered for twelve years with constant bleeding,[a] and she could find no cure. 44 Coming up behind Jesus, she touched the fringe of his robe. Immediately, the bleeding stopped. 45 “Who touched me?” Jesus asked. Everyone denied it, and Peter said, “Master, this whole crowd is pressing up against you.”46 But Jesus said, “Someone deliberately touched me, for I felt healing power go out from me.” 47 When the woman realized that she could not stay hidden, she began to tremble and fell to her knees in front of him. The whole crowd heard her explain why she had touched him and that she had been immediately healed. 48 “Daughter,” he said to her, “your faith has made you well. Go in peace.”

Do you suffer from Tunnel Vision Syndrome?

 

Okay so now that you read the title of the blog, you’re probably thinking, “Do I suffer from what?” Because you have never heard of such a thing.

Yeah, me either.

It was something that popped into my head when I was thinking earlier just realizing how easy it is for us to have tunnel vision. And I’m not talking during a ball game or concert or while in danger, as part of the human instinct and reaction to danger. What I am talking about is the tunnel vision we get and how we can become self absorbed or solely focus on our problems and pull the “poor me” attitude. But what we don’t realize is God did not make us to be that way, He does not want us to be self righteous and look at ourselves above others regardless of our circumstances. He chooses who He hands struggles and hardships knowing who can handle them and not, so He gives you the hurt and then wants you to look to Him for healing and strength, He wants us to boast in our weaknesses and praise and glorify Him by what He does time and time again through them, to help see us through. Far too often we think we have been thrown some intolerable burden that we just cant handle or is too much, which is true but also false. We can handle them and we can overcome and be strengthened through the experiences but we cant do it alone, we need the love and compassion of our Heavenly Father. There is light at the end of the tunnel I assure you and He has great plans for you if you allow Him.

When He throws you curveballs or gives you hurt by way of different events or peoples choices or whatever it may be, He is doing so to build character, to give you His eyes and to change your perspective of the world and the different people in it. To help you feel the pain of others and make your heart soften for those along side you in this world. But in order for that to happen you have to be broken down from what you were to be built back up into what He wants you to be. And you have to be obedient to His calling in different areas of your life, whether He is leading you to or away from someone, or into a different career field or asking you to make some type of sacrifices, because when He does that, it shows how truly committed you are to Him and His plans for you. He knows what is best for you and will not lead you into harm or circumstances that are too much for you to handle.

   No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God  is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with  the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to  endure it. —1 Corinthians 10:13

But to know that He is seeing you through and leading you, walking side by side, you must fix your eyes upon Him at all times, not just before you lay your head down before bed or before you take in food, He doesn’t want you to only praise Him in those times or when your life is going great, but He wants you to praise Him through the storms too. Put your faith and trust in Him and not yourself or your closest friend and you will not be disappointed, because He knew you before you were and loves you more today and tomorrow just as He has all along. So praise Him, give him the glory and commitment He deserves, the door is open and always has been, He is there all He might be waiting on is you. The answers you need is in His word, seek it and allow Him to take the lead in your life as it belongs to Him to begin with.

  Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in  dread of them, for it is the LORD your God who goes with you. He will not leave  you or forsake you.” —Deuteronomy  31:6

  I have  said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will  have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.” —John 16:33

  Even though I walk through the valley of the  shadow of death,   I will fear no evil, for you are with  me;   your rod and your staff,    they  comfort me. —Psalm  23:4

“Never have I seen so much love in one mans eyes; and so much hate in anothers”

Check out the song “Healing Hand of God” by Jeremy Camp

Okay so it is the day after Good Friday and the day before Easter, and a week after I attended Winter Jam 2013 with my girlfriend in Cleveland. You’re probably thinking “what does that have to do with anything?” And now I’ll explain. Over the last few posts I have made, it was about my story and negative circumstances that have impacted my short but at the same time long life. As important as all of that negative stuff is, I’m going to step away from it for at least one post; as I know I will hit on it again, because a lot of it is under addressed in our society, but you have to include the good stuff and what has helped change your life as well. So I hope you’re ready to make some changes if you’ve found yourself where I have for a long time but am no longer there. Lets go!

You’re hearing from a man, who rarely was in church as a child, but have always clung to faith. Not as strong as I do now, but it has always been important. I have always prayed, it gave me a sense of security and feeling wanted and important. Which I want to mention, there is no better way to find those feelings than in our Lord himself. But through all of the chaos, I prayed. At the age of 18 I got a cross tattooed on my left arm, I loved it! I wanted more, so about 2.5 years later I came up with the idea of getting my ribs tattooed, but I’m not one to just throw anything on my body just to get a tattoo, it has to mean a lot to me. So I chose something that I heard often growing up, and something that is great to live by, can anyone guess what it is?

The Serenity Prayer; “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference!” Now I don’t know about you, but I can’t find too many things better to live by than that. Its asking God, our Savior to grant us something we cannot give ourselves in serenity, to acknowledge and accept things outside of our human control, second we are asking for the courage, yes asking, we cannot do it alone, nor does He want us too. So we ask for the courage to change the things that are within our control that we may have neglected or just felt too comfortable in to change, and last but definitely not least, we look to Him for the wisdom to know the difference. If we don’t see the difference between those things, clearly it may cause more problems in us trying to make changes; and I can tell you, if you put your life in His hands and look to him for guidance, it may not happen when you want it to, but He always answers. Sometimes it’s now, sometimes it is not yet or sometimes He just tells us to wait. But one thing is for sure, He is always, always on time! I’ve held tightly to that prayer for a long time, I have it posted around my apartment and will have it for a lifetime on my ribs.

I have one other tattoo, I just had it done this past fall, about a month after things got really bad for me and I was diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and it was done by someone very dear to my heart and by someone who endured a lot of what my painful childhood consisted of, and that would be my brother. He is a year and a half younger, but we were always together through the good and the bad. He lives with my mom in Wisconsin, but I miss him a lot, as I do my parents also. I love them dearly. He was more happy go lucky when we were younger, I was the older one so I helped protect him and I was the “adult” child, to where he knew what was going on but wasn’t wrapped up in it. Which I am thankful for because he hasn’t seemed to have near as many issues as I have, but I know I’ve only had them because they were never dealt with, they are temporary, as are yours if you find yourself there also. But this tattoo is on the inside of my left bicep, it says “You were given this life because you were strong enough to live it” and I had him add the heartbeat symbol after it. It means so much to me, and the fact that I had it done right after my life seemed to be falling apart, it will always be there to remind me of where I have been, but it is not there to keep me there. I had to embrace the chaos and trauma that had been underlying for so long in order to work through it and accept it. One thing that is always constant in this world, is change. So that tattoo will never change, but will remind me of the changes I made and the help I received by the great people the Lord has placed in my life and the hard work I had accomplished to overcome.

So those were of my tattoos, now to talk about people who I turned to in those tough times. And I couldn’t be more thankful for them. The first 2 being an older couple who has 3 grown sons of their own, and I had dated their adopted daughter in high school who left home and doesn’t have much contact with them. But my mother suggested them and when I turned to them for support, they were there, they call me their fourth son, and allowed me to stay there for a total of 3 weeks when my life seemed to be crumbling down on top of me and I didn’t know what was going on. I couldn’t eat, but I could eat dinner with them at night because I felt secure, comfortable, and a part. I also heard God’s voice telling me, go to church after 3 weeks of what seemed like an eternity, I asked them if I could accompany them to church, I had to be there, God wanted me to be obedient, He knew I needed to be there. The first  3 sermons, I cried through, they just hit home. I still get emotional during certain sermons. But this next person was huge on my walk of faith and relationship with Christ strengthening. He is a man we refer to as Pastor Matt, he just moved to our church around the same time as my issues arose, and agreed to meet with me for 6-8 weeks and mentor me. It made me feel important and a part of something bigger than myself. “How could someone want anything to do with someone like my self, I’m damaged goods, I’ve been through so much, what could anyone want with me?” I wondered often and still did up until recent. But not once did he turn away, I could tell him anything I had gone through and he didn’t frown upon me, or refuse to be there. Now after that, how can you tell me God’s timing isn’t perfect? If it would have been a month earlier, Pastor Matt wouldn’t have even been there. Which then leads to me buying a nice study Bible, getting deeper in my prayer, reading books of all sorts, over abuse of all kinds, PTSD, and testimonials. I filled my stations in my work truck with Christian music, started buying Christian artists cd’s. It is so much more positive than all of that other music out there. It talks about God’s love, and about overcoming.

I ended up deciding to get baptized on November 11th, 2012. What a huge day that was. I then felt it in my heart to lead my girlfriend to the Lord, as her life hasn’t been like mine, but it has had its ups and downs like everyone’s. We can always used someone bigger than the world itself to turn to. My girlfriend was then baptized February 17th, 2013. And we began our walk of faith together. I can say it has been extremely difficult on us, and on her. Someone who didn’t and couldn’t understand but never chose to back down or give up. I’m not saying it didn’t get close for both of us at times, it did. Sometimes her, sometimes me. When someone is emotionally numb and comes across as if they don’t care if you are there or not, I think it would take a toll on anyone even if you know what’s causing it. But I can also say we were together before all of this and we had some problem we were apart for 6 months and got back together and shortly after this began, and I can honestly say we have NEVER been closer than we are today, and hopefully, if it is in God’s will, that will never change. But I know God also gives up the power of choice, so we have to do our part and He always does His. We are both now members of our church.

Which leads me to speak of my next topic and my title of this post. Our church does a huge play every year around Easter. It is called “The Passion Play” over the life of Jesus Christ and all He gave up and the suffering He endured to give us our freedom from sin. A perfect, spotless life who gave up everything for us, you and I. Now if that doesn’t express love and selflessness than I don’t know if you’ll ever find it. I took up a role of a Roman soldier. I help arrest Jesus and put Him on the whipping post, beat Him, and then put the thieves and Jesus on the crosses and then take them down. I get the blood on my hands and experience that role and perspective. Let me tell you, the play itself is powerful and changes lives, but to have a role like that is moving in and of itself. How many people get to do that? Not too many. If you don’t have the opportunity to see a play like this, get the movie the Passion of the Christ, and you can watch and experience the pain and suffering He endured for us. I can’t express the anger and emotions I felt watching that movie and seeing them do all that they do to Him. But when we put Him on the whipping post and start beating Him, the play freezes and the narrator begins to talk of the whip and different aspects of that scene. At one point Jesus is getting mangled, bruised and His flesh torn, the play freezes and one of the next lines is one of the most moving of the whole play. It is simple, but so extremely powerful. It says, “Never have I seen so much love in one mans eyes; and so much hate in another’s” which is speaking of the love the Jesus had for all of us, and how you could see it in His eyes, and his relentlessness. He knew before it ever took place the sacrifice and suffering He would endure and didn’t try to flee or fight it. Nor would He even stay down as He was getting beat over and over by different objects, that bruised Him, tore His flesh, and caused His blood to spill out of His wounds all over the ground for us. That can’t of sacrifice and selflessness is the ultimate love anyone can display. “There is no greater love than to lay down one’s life for one’s friend” John 15:13

And the second being so much hate in another’s, which would refer to the Soldiers beating Jesus. We are made to love, look at what He did for us. You think He did such a thing for us to be so hateful and do such distasteful things in our lifetime’s. I’m not saying we don’t fall victim to unnecessary circumstances, not all is in our control and a lot of the time we pay the price of others choices, and you may not notice it then, but you will, and when you do you won’t feel any better about them. But as you begin to understand and put the responsibility where it belongs regardless of how it affected you, it frees you. And if you’re doing things wrong, knowingly, and your conscious is telling you so, it is not too late to turn back around and run to the throne of our Lord, His arms and everlasting love is forever open and He is just waiting for you to look to Him, we can’t do it alone, and that’s okay, He won’t forsake you or turn His back, like so many humans can do. Even your earthly parents are capable of that, but your Heavenly Father, NEVER will!

 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28

No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it. 1 Corinthians 10:13