The Constant Battle Of A Survivor

 

As time goes on, and recovery is on going, the battle is constant. The inner critic will eat you alive any chance it gets. Add PTSD to that equation, and it makes it even worse. You begin to feel like you are at war with yourself, you know certain things, but yet the hypervigilance, and triggers make past dangers still feel like threats. You know you are in better control of the situation than when you were younger but yet your brain reacts as if the same things can take place that caused you pain back then. So what does it do then? It will trigger flashbacks, and intrusive thoughts to make it seem even more REAL to keep you from getting too close or from even giving a slight chance of the same thing happening once again. Which makes you begin to isolate, you don’t want to leave your house, you don’t want to go to work, you don’t want to do anything or go anywhere that could send you into a downward spiral. It gets so tiring, and makes you question your place in this world, makes you question the real meaning of life if you’re so unhappy and even at times consider taking your own life, because not living like this seems better than being miserable or tortured by the past.

Faith. Something I used to write about a lot, something that has wavered, strengthened at times and weakened at others. Made me question God and His plan(s) for myself and those in my life. Things I used to think made me stronger, has fueled the fire and anger inside me, towards God, and why He would allow certain things happen to such innocent people and then be hampered by those same things years later. In my case the traumas and abuse happened when I was very young, between 3-7 as far as sexual or unwanted sexual contact. But the mental and emotional abuse took place from 3-17 or 18. Being in and out of foster care, reaching out for help for the sexual abuse that took place and being overlooked or brushed to the side, the domestic violence, seeing things kids should NEVER have to see, images and sounds that got seared into your brain, things I can recall like they were yesterday, being told I wouldn’t graduate from high school or amount to anything, all forms of abuse in one way or another. Through all of that I stood strong in my faith, always said it made me stronger and a better person, which it did. Little did I know that Delayed Onset PTSD even existed or that it would be triggered and damn near destroy my life 15-20 years later. Since Sept 2012, I’ve believed and trusted God, questioned God, and even been pissed off at God, I know He can take it and I know it is normal for what I’ve gone through, I’m just not to the point to where I understand and accept everything I was asked to walk through by Him. I will reach that day, with the help of good friends and my amazing girlfriend and her unwavering support even through my most difficult days and stubbornness.

As a professional in 2 fields that I have always loved since I have gotten involved which would be an EMT on the ambulance, and a firefighter. Both amazing and rewarding fields, but both which can make recovery more difficult, because you see the ugly in the world. You see abuse, suicides, death, loss, violence, and tragedies on a day to day basis, in which any trauma survivor already knows how ugly the world can be, and how it can rock your world. It triggers your own memories and hurts whenever you’re on a call even remotely close to what you went through, whether it is hearing something or seeing something, it takes you right back there in that helpless state, feeling out of control like you are right back there at 3 or 4 years old. Its insane. It takes the pride you have in your work and helping other people and turns the attention back on your own losses and tragedies. Its left me questioning my career choice, besides the fact that we are all underpaid and overworked for what we do. It makes me want to find a work from home job to where I can control my environment until I get to a place in recovery where I feel okay and don’t get triggered so often.

The truth is, whether it happened yesterday or years ago, traumas and tragedies can stay as fresh and real as when they happened, just by seeing or hearing something.

Its a constant battle. I will follow this post with a second part.

Thank you for reading