The Constant Battle Of A Survivor

 

As time goes on, and recovery is on going, the battle is constant. The inner critic will eat you alive any chance it gets. Add PTSD to that equation, and it makes it even worse. You begin to feel like you are at war with yourself, you know certain things, but yet the hypervigilance, and triggers make past dangers still feel like threats. You know you are in better control of the situation than when you were younger but yet your brain reacts as if the same things can take place that caused you pain back then. So what does it do then? It will trigger flashbacks, and intrusive thoughts to make it seem even more REAL to keep you from getting too close or from even giving a slight chance of the same thing happening once again. Which makes you begin to isolate, you don’t want to leave your house, you don’t want to go to work, you don’t want to do anything or go anywhere that could send you into a downward spiral. It gets so tiring, and makes you question your place in this world, makes you question the real meaning of life if you’re so unhappy and even at times consider taking your own life, because not living like this seems better than being miserable or tortured by the past.

Faith. Something I used to write about a lot, something that has wavered, strengthened at times and weakened at others. Made me question God and His plan(s) for myself and those in my life. Things I used to think made me stronger, has fueled the fire and anger inside me, towards God, and why He would allow certain things happen to such innocent people and then be hampered by those same things years later. In my case the traumas and abuse happened when I was very young, between 3-7 as far as sexual or unwanted sexual contact. But the mental and emotional abuse took place from 3-17 or 18. Being in and out of foster care, reaching out for help for the sexual abuse that took place and being overlooked or brushed to the side, the domestic violence, seeing things kids should NEVER have to see, images and sounds that got seared into your brain, things I can recall like they were yesterday, being told I wouldn’t graduate from high school or amount to anything, all forms of abuse in one way or another. Through all of that I stood strong in my faith, always said it made me stronger and a better person, which it did. Little did I know that Delayed Onset PTSD even existed or that it would be triggered and damn near destroy my life 15-20 years later. Since Sept 2012, I’ve believed and trusted God, questioned God, and even been pissed off at God, I know He can take it and I know it is normal for what I’ve gone through, I’m just not to the point to where I understand and accept everything I was asked to walk through by Him. I will reach that day, with the help of good friends and my amazing girlfriend and her unwavering support even through my most difficult days and stubbornness.

As a professional in 2 fields that I have always loved since I have gotten involved which would be an EMT on the ambulance, and a firefighter. Both amazing and rewarding fields, but both which can make recovery more difficult, because you see the ugly in the world. You see abuse, suicides, death, loss, violence, and tragedies on a day to day basis, in which any trauma survivor already knows how ugly the world can be, and how it can rock your world. It triggers your own memories and hurts whenever you’re on a call even remotely close to what you went through, whether it is hearing something or seeing something, it takes you right back there in that helpless state, feeling out of control like you are right back there at 3 or 4 years old. Its insane. It takes the pride you have in your work and helping other people and turns the attention back on your own losses and tragedies. Its left me questioning my career choice, besides the fact that we are all underpaid and overworked for what we do. It makes me want to find a work from home job to where I can control my environment until I get to a place in recovery where I feel okay and don’t get triggered so often.

The truth is, whether it happened yesterday or years ago, traumas and tragedies can stay as fresh and real as when they happened, just by seeing or hearing something.

Its a constant battle. I will follow this post with a second part.

Thank you for reading

We Are Not Supermen And Superwomen; We Are Human

The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand. When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you can endure. –1 Corinthians 10:13

I figured I would get a quick post in before I leave for a couple of days. I’m on vacation this week, and I rented a cabin for the girlfriend and I in a state park to go have a break and enjoy nature.

What I want to touch on this morning is the idea and topic of responsibility; we all know how important it is to be responsible. But do we all realize how toxic it can be to hold and keep a death grip on things that just don’t belong to you?

Growing up the way I did I always felt overly responsible but never like I have since being diagnosed with PTSD. I knew things had happened that weren’t right,  but they seemed to just be memories and then after a long stint of over working my body and making tons of money, my world came crashing down and everything I knew as a memory was right back in my face 15-20 years later. And as anyone with PTSD knows, we cant shake it a lot of the time, it consumes us and our thoughts 24/7 for the most part. Prevents us from eating and getting proper rest because our minds just keep going unless we take medication or turn to drugs and alcohol to numb it out.

So in regards to life, paying bills, going to work, taking care of your kids and things of that nature, responsibility is a great thing and necessary. But when responsibility takes a turn like it does in PTSD, and you begin to take responsibility for things that don’t belong to you, it will continue to tear you down. Regardless of the traumas and who was involved, feeding that vicious cycle of self blame and beating yourself down with unjust responsibility, which feels like the weight of the world, wont help you in any way shape or form. I know first hand, and I also know how hard it is to shake those feelings, you feel like you could blame yourself for everything, how people reacted or how you could’ve possibly affected them, and other things that “could” have been connected and that vicious cycle, and it just gets worse and worse. As if the other PTSD symptoms don’t make you feel damaged enough and uncomfortable in your skin, the skin you once knew to be so thick and virtually unharmed by everything you encountered just to be shown in the end you were effected and it feels seemingly damaged and partially destroyed can be quite defeating. But my friends treat yourself with love, and compassion even when you feel like a straight shot of Novocain, and you cant feel emotions, besides anger and irritability; I know how that goes too, I used to be so compassionate and loving and so empathetic and since September when I was diagnosed I never feel any good emotions or if I do I don’t for long because the worrying begins again or being consumed by the past. But anger and being irritable and on edge is the “norm” for me anymore which I do not like one bit. It is a moment in time, it is and can be very uncomfortable and disheartening but love yourself, allow others to love you, we weren’t to blame, it is a normal NORMAL reaction to abnormal circumstances. And we tend to isolate ourselves and we feel as if no one else would understand or that what we have been through is so horrible or filled with shame and guilt that no one would understand; but we are human just like anyone else and more people will understand than we allow ourselves to believe. One day at a time, I believe in you and me. And together we can make it, and reclaim our lives from the past whether it be last month or 20 years ago. Lets go!

They Do NOT stand alone; spread the awareness

 

Okay as I have been hitting the blog again lately in the midst of some career changes and other chaos we call life, there are some big days coming up very soon. And one that is very important to me just passed.

June 27th is known as Post traumatic stress awareness (PTSD) day, it is to spread awareness for those who have endured traumatic events and pay the price following the events whether it be months or years after. The energy and reminders send the same signals of danger as they experienced during the trauma even long after when they are no longer in danger. It is the minds way of trying to protect us, but at the same time can make you feel like you’re going crazy because sometimes you can know the reminders and ‘triggers’ are as irrational as they come but yet your brain makes them feel so real.

July 1st is and will be the mark of the beginning of my 24th year on this earth, with all of the ups and downs, very similar to the wildest rollercoaster you have ever witnessed. It is a miraculous work of our Lord that I am even still alive and breathing, but as He says over and over He has a plan for each and every one of us, I am just waiting to reap the benefit of being as patient as I can until He makes it known to me.

And July 4th, which signifies our independence as a country, which is important to each and every one of us who calls the great land of America our home. And we enjoy the freedom that other countries are not as fortunate to experience & that we take for granted far too often.

As important as my birthday is and as important as our countries independence is, I want to touch on the first day that I listed that I have touched on many times before. That topic is post traumatic stress disorder, a topic that has grown significantly more important to me over the past 10-11 months, that reason being, myself gaining that diagnosis in September of 2012. Now something I want to stress is, the causes of and how society normally defines it, to get the REAL explanation out there.

To begin, I’ll start with the definition of PTSD which goes as follows; Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a type of anxiety disorder. It can occur after you have gone through an extreme emotional trauma that involved the threat of injury or death. Thanks to the National Library of Medicine for that. As you read, it is caused by an EXTREME emotional trauma, which our society looks at the majority of the time as people who were in the military, who are very important don’t get me wrong; but what about all of those who were victims of child sexual abuse, rape, abandonment, neglect, or other extremely painful experiences caused by humans. Not including traumas that are caused by natural disasters and losing family members or everything you own. And of course you have Veterans, who put their lives at risk for our freedom, a selfless service that gets overlooked and taken for granted far too often. And also our local heroes who serve such as firefighter, EMT’s and police officers. We all witness tragedies and traumas almost by the shift, some more stressful than others.

Traumas caused by other humans are far more devastating to someone’s well being than natural disasters would be. Because 9 times out of 10 they are caused by people we know and trust, who lets us down or hurt us, and destroy our ability to trust people and think of the world we live in as a safe and reliable place. Instead it teaches us to examine everyone we come into contact with very closely, and possibly even judging them to try to protect ourselves from being hurt again. Those who are parents or in a place of authority over someone and they take advantage of that or are ignorant of their true responsibilities, give the victim a jaded view that they normally carry with them for a long time if not forever, all depending on the support they are given, obviously the better the support system they have the better they cope. In my particular case, and I know I don’t stand alone, my parents were in and out of my life like a rotating door, in my early years from 4-12, they did not grasp and take charge of the responsibilities they had instead they resorted to and were constantly wrapped up in drugs and alcohol and their own pleasures. So the traumas I experienced such as sexual abuse as a 3 year old by a female babysitter, sexually acting out with kids because kids learn from adults, and know no better, and the constant uncertainty surrounding whether or not we would stay with our parents, or if they were going to get into another fight or my dad go back to jail, or where we would end up and the stability never being there for long due to the same cycle taking place, I was never given the support I needed as a child, to cope with the events that took place, instead I learned to brush them aside, feelings and all, and take care of everyone else, which was my parents job, but they weren’t able to so I took that responsibility on myself & even when I knew something didn’t seem right or something happened that I didn’t think should have, when I gained more knowledge, I brought it to their attention & I was told it wasn’t a big deal or that it was something that it wasn’t.

And I always had the memories of things that happened, and some would spark bouts of anxiety but they would never stay because I kept myself so busy and those things so suppressed and repressed that I tried to never give them too much thought & tried to chalk them up for what my parents said they were. But that all changed in September of 2012, I had been working an insane amount of hours, lifting every day, and not resting appropriately and I had what I thought was a breakdown, but come to find out, I wore down my defenses of repressing that stuff and then the PTSD exposed itself, causing me to find fear and anxiety around things that reminded me of the different traumas, not all of them of course but the most detrimental ones.

The 3 diagnostic material for PTSD include, (1) re-experiencing in flashbacks, memories or intrusive thoughts, (2) Avoidance, you begin to avoid, people, places, or things that remind you of the event that caused you some much distress and feelings of helplessness, (3) Arousal or hyper vigilance, which puts you on alert for danger all the time, attaching fear or danger to things that are seemingly danger free, but because of the trauma, your brain ties danger and fear to those things. But it also includes lack of an appetite, lack of sleep and lack of trust in any and everyone, even those you trusted prior.

This is by far the hardest thing I have ever dealt with, even more so than the trauma’s themselves. To know something is of no danger, but yet to fear it anyways, or be anxious around things that remind you of the  trauma, even when you know logically they aren’t dangerous, that you are older and more in control but yet your brain trips the fight or flight response which gives you no choice but to tie more and more significance to things that are far from significant. The shame and guilt feelings that are tied to PTSD and the events you have been through and the symptoms that haunt you make it even harder to want to talk about them with anyone, in fear of judgment or that they will perceive it for something that it isn’t. It’s very similar to feeling stuck, knowing one thing, but your brain sending other signals that interfere, the intrusive thoughts that accompany you the feelings of self blame, surrounding the past traumas and the re-experiencing of them just adds to the distress because they are almost always at an inconvenient time. And one of the last things I will mention is, the emotional numbness that is with you, I’ve never felt so disgusted or down about myself as I have these past 10 months, nor have I ever felt this numb, seems as if I have glimpses of happiness and storms of anxiety and anger of what happened and the price I’ve paid due to others poor choices, the frustration because the “healing” process is taking so long, even though the traumas happened 15-20 years ago, so I guess I cant really expect them to disappear in months, although that’s what I want. I just want to feel healthy, good emotions for once in such a long time rather than so many negative emotions, when I feel any at all.

I’ve always been one who was strong, and felt I could handle any and everything, but after dealing with this, I feel more broken than I do strong, I always told people what I went through made me stronger, but when everything I went through finally surfaced this past fall and became reality rather than just memories and things were put into perspective of what really happened rather than lies that were told to me,  it has made me feel more damaged than whole, and weaker more so than strong. To be haunted by the symptoms attached to PTSD day in and day out, and when you’re having a good day and your mind isn’t bogged down by those symptoms, once you realize you’re having a good day, its over, because then everything comes back to the forefront. I hope this doesn’t last forever, its so unfortunate so many of us have to pay such a great price for the poor actions and lack of responsibility those significant people in our lives possessed.

I want to believe there is hope, and that there are people who understand. Because as all of us know, there are many who are quick to judge but those are normally the ones with the most baggage or junk in their lives. We have all been hurt, but to different measures, and everyone reacts different although some could be the same. All we can cling to is hope, that it gets better and that one day, we will live symptom free and not feel so out of control and bogged down by our past.

Thanks for reading & if I could stress one thing in this post, it is that, PTSD is caused by more than being in the service, it is caused by many traumatic events that many people experience in & out of the battlefield. We are all in a battlefield, its called life.

Out with the old. In with the new.

Okay for my second post in 2 days, I would have to say I am pretty pumped as I love putting my thoughts and feelings down so others can read, interpret, heal from and possibly learn something that I have found to help me, help them also.

So you read the title of this particular post and probably thinking “okay, that can relate to a lot in life” and it can. But this particular post is about train of thought, and thinking processes. In a very useful and unique comparison I came up with, relating to out with the old and in with the new. Out with the old would be getting rid of black and white television and getting color television. That’s the thing to do, it was invented for that purpose to give what you are watching more life and make it colorful. So what happens when you have been through a small trauma, a big trauma, or maybe even multiple traumas? Maybe your thinking that used to be colorful is now black and white or maybe you’ve never known anything but black and white thinking. As I have discussed time and time again, and I have struggled with it myself is the concept of that negative, unhealthy kind of thinking.

So you may be asking yourself “what is he talking about, black and white thinking?”

Here is what I mean and maybe you know from experience or reading. But what I mean by black and white thinking is seeing experiences in your life or thoughts as either all good or all bad, or thinking something and ruminating over it and thinking because you thought this or that, it means you are this kind of person or that kind of person, or it means this about you or that about you. I have news for you, and it is hard to always remember or believe but that is so far from the truth. We are humans, we can’t control every single thought that enters our mind but we can only allow it to effect us however we choose too. It isn’t always easy to see things from that perspective, but it is extremely unhealthy to think black and white or all or nothing thoughts. First off, if you have post traumatic stress disorder or something similar and you find yourself ruminating or stuck on things for a long time, you’ll never be able to let them go with that kind of thinking. Because it is so far from the real truth of how the human brains and how human nature is.

We didn’t get to pick the life we were given, just like we didn’t get to choose our parents, our name, hair color or anything else in that matter. And we don’t get to pick how traumatic events in our life, no matter how big or  how small, effects us.

So being traumatized or your brain reacting to past traumas whether it be last week, last year or 15 years ago in a particular way doesn’t mean you are weak. It doesn’t mean particular things about you or people around you just because certain thoughts pop up or you are getting certain reactions around people, places, or things you didn’t before the trauma or presence of PTSD or your disorder. It simply means you aren’t done doing work, you aren’t done with therapy, or you need to be in therapy. Going to therapy is not a sign of weakness like I have said in past posts, it simply means you want to live your life to the fullest and you are accepting and acknowledging the damage the traumatic events have had on you and you no longer want those shackles holding you back. Or it could be that they have effected you subconsciously all along, like not being able to trust and stuff like that and PTSD is somewhat new to you, but anyone who has had it knows it isn’t pleasant and wants to shake it as soon as they can. Keep working, it will get better. Not overnight, but then again the traumas didn’t happen overnight. If the damage wasn’t done overnight, you cant expect the healing to happen that fast especially if its been years since it happened and you have never worked on it before. There is hope.

So go to therapy, talk to someone, I can’t stress how much talking helps, but find someone who will be understanding and is capable of giving support and sound advice without judging and making things harder on you. If you have been struggling with something whether its an event, or thoughts or anything else that seems like a big secret or carries a lot of shame for you, sharing it with someone knowledgeable with trauma or in the area of your particular concern is the best choice because they have seen it all before and can give advice. If you don’t want to do that, maybe a parent, lifelong friend, grandparent, aunt, uncle, cousin, pastor? There has to be someone you can turn to for a shoulder to lean on, cry on or vent. But don’t turn to just anyone because if they don’t give you the response you were hoping for it will just damage you further and we are trying to heal, not be hurt.

So kick the black and white thinking to the curb, there is nothing in this life that is “all or nothing”. Life is so much better when we see things in color and allow ourselves to see things for what they are instead of being our own worst critics and critiquing every single move. You can do it, I believe in you, no one said it would be easy, but I can assure you and me, it will be worth it.

Healing is a journey, there are a lot of us on the same journey, we can do it together!

God Bless YOU

“For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength” – Philippians 4:13

Emotionally numb yet pouring over with unhealthy emotion at the same time

This is my command—be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go. Joshua 1:9 NLT

Well it has been a while, I never expected to take that long of a break from posting but as everyone does from time to time they get caught up in this wonderfully crazy thing we call life. And as anyone with PTSD or anyone who is close to someone with PTSD knows, some days are better than others and some weeks are better than others, the last week hasn’t been a very good one. It always seems just when I seem to be pulling out and getting better, I end up getting worse. Even worse when its by things that make no sense to me, and stuff that wasn’t an issue after the trauma prior to the PTSD surfacing, 11+ years after. One last thing that makes no sense to me is that, for 13 years of my life it was extremely crazy, at the hands of careless, irresponsible, and selfish people who inflicted harm upon me and caused this trauma and its effects its had on me, and I had some bouts with anxiety and dissociation but nothing compared to how PTSD has effected me, I thought it was getting better I was working a couple jobs, in the best shape of my life, I thought everything was going well and then I got blindsided. Why then? After so long of doing so well, and after so many of my early years being a living hell do I have to deal with it all over again? Still makes no sense to me. Other than knowing it was caused by trauma that wasn’t dealt with, but it doesn’t make me feel any better.

The first thing I want to talk about is emotional numbness. This aspect of PTSD is one I hate more than anything, a lot of people who can feel emotions normal would probably say something like “I wish I couldn’t feel my emotions, they get the best of me” or “It must be nice to just live life and not feel” but that CANNOT be any further from the real truth and how I feel, and I’m sure many others besides myself. Especially if you have never been that kind of person before. From the time I was 4 or 5 years old, I was looking after my younger brother and trying to be the mature adult in the household and trying to protect him and myself from the chaos. Things were very scary back then from time to time. More often than not. But I could feel. As I got older and was in school, I put my problems aside or never focused on them, but I always had great advice for other people who were experiencing difficulties. And even after doing that for years, I went to college to be an EMT and a firefighter. Aside from the living hell I went through and all of the harm that was inflicted upon me by others, it has always been in my heart to help others in their darkest times and when they desperately needed someone. And don’t take me wrong, I am still that way, I’ve just hopefully temporarily lost the ability to feel good emotions. They may come and go, but its always brief. I was the kind of person who could watch something on ESPN about something touching or something similar to that and be brought to tears. Not anymore. I have a hard time feeling my own pain, and that of others. It isn’t me, nor is it who I want to be. I want to be able to feel, I want to be able to express and feel good, healthy emotions. I don’t want to be numb and just going through the motions every day of life and my routine. What are we supposed to do when we are working to recover from other peoples poor choices that have effected us so drastically and we can’t even experience those great emotions. It sure takes away from your life and if you’re anything like me, you know it isn’t you and it isn’t right, but you can’t just change it because you want to.

Secondly, after expressing how I am unable to feel and connect to others emotionally, one of the other dark aspects of living with PTSD is the built up anger.

Maybe it is because it isn’t fair? Or it wasn’t our fault? We are paying for what others did or did not do. If it is someone else’s debt or negligence then why are we left to pay their price.

When it first hit me in September of 2012, I was devastated. I didn’t understand what was going on. I just wanted it to stop, and fast. I knew it wasn’t right or the REAL me but I didn’t know it was Post traumatic stress disorder. Nor did I even know what it was. Possibly because the majority of main stream attention is put towards military, which is important, don’t get me wrong. They are the reason this country is better than others to live in and our freedom; but us victims of abuse and all of us suffering from consequences of circumstances out of our control should not be forgotten. So the beginning of this journey was filled with sadness and a lack of understanding. But about 2-3 months in, the main emotion I feel is anger. I am always on edge, just ready for the next thing big or small to send me over the edge. Everything. Everything. EVERYTHING. I’m not exaggerating. Something as small as wanting to hang a picture somewhere or making a suggestion and my girlfriend not liking it anywhere I suggest to someone following too close when I am driving, my supervisor calling me while I am working about something insignificant, plans changing, I mean pretty much everything. It is scary, because everyone has a temper and get angry sometimes but not at the drop of a hat. And not this often. I have read a lot about PTSD, the symptoms and how they come, go, come again, change, and eventually go away, someday. But the fact that they may go away some day, doesn’t make it any easier to deal with them day to day. I have done EMDR in therapy, and you are supposed to try to feel the different emotions while remembering and reliving past experiences that traumatized you, I find it hard to do sometimes. But today I was driving at work, and I thought to myself how do you feel? And I know the anger is normally there but automatically my fist balled up and got very  tense. Its amazing how the thought of how I felt triggered such a response. But I am not an angry person or someone who is always on edge, but since PTSD has taken over my life, I have become that way and hope to deal with it, sooner than later.

Other unhealthy emotions I experience on a regular basis include: Shame, disgust, helplessness, isolated, misunderstood, mistrust, regret, permanently damaged, responsible, irrational fears that were never an issue before and I am sure there are others. I’m sure if you suffer from PTSD or know someone, all of these sound pretty familiar. But believe me no matter how often you feel them or how familiar they become, it doesn’t make living with them daily any better. Especially when it is over stuff from so long ago and you want to be moving forward with your life yet you seem to keep getting drug down in the dangerous, thrashing, unrelenting current that trauma has firmly established in your life.

“I am no longer defined by all of the wreckage behind”

“I am no longer defined by all of the wreckage behind” Hello, my name is by Matthew West

Well, you have heard my story and read some about the full blown effects of PTSD, now to explain all of the different ways it was coming out prior to actually being diagnosed. Outside of 2 of my professions which would be firefighter and EMT, I haven’t witnessed a personal trauma in 11 years or so.

The first effects I believe that the abuse had on me and it coming out would have been in anger issues and behavioral problems between the ages of 5 and 7. For those 2 stints I had in that jail-like behavioral facility for my behavioral problems and acting out, instead of them addressing the root of the problem or even searching for it, it seems almost like it was out of sight out of mind for my caretakers. Putting a child into a facility like that without addressing the REAL issue, or even trying, is like they tried scaring me into being a “good boy”. Looking back I completely disagree with how it was handled, and I believe if they would have given me the help I needed back then the anxiety problems and PTSD might not have played such a significant part in my young life, as it has.

I’m fine with being open, there’s no need in keeping it a secret any longer, I shouldn’t be ashamed of or embarrassed of other peoples actions that affected me negatively. I wasn’t the responsible one,  I was a CHILD. All of those things that happened were their issues, not mine. And I’ve always been very hard on myself, unintentionally and hold myself to abnormally high standards in which my therapist has pointed out numerous times, which is very unhealthy but a hard habit to break. I’m a 23 year old male, but I feel like the life experience I’ve had I’m more like 43. I wasn’t able to be a child, when all the other kids my age were. I was breaking up my parents fights and witnessing all kinds of chaos, that no child should ever have to witness.

The second effect that all of the trauma, being in foster care, and everything else up until the age of 11 or 12 had on me was I wrote a note in middle school saying I thought about killing myself. I don’t think I really wanted to die, but I was so unhappy, I didn’t like being in foster care, AGAIN. I didn’t feel wanted, I wasn’t able to play sports in foster care, so they put me into counseling. But once again it was a short lived counseling journey because they failed to point out the past abuse nor was I ever asked if anything had happened.

Next would have been a few years later, I started having panic attacks when my mothers friend of the same age suddenly passed away from a massive heart attack. I was in Kentucky visiting my father with my brother. I was so worried something was going to happen to my mother, I couldn’t get comfortable, couldn’t sleep well, my limbs would go numb, I felt like I was having a heart attack or going to die. I was very scared I didn’t know what was happening so I had my dad take me to the hospital, they ran tests and when I got back to Ohio I had to get an echocardiogram done because they thought I had an enlarged heart, which it ended up being a little bit bigger but they said it was due to being a runner. Which then led to depression and anxiety for a good year or so.

For a while it had seemed like everyone was getting cancer or dying from it. It was a huge fear of mine for a while but I found out that being that wrapped up in fear or ruminating over something is due to underlying anxiety from past trauma and the helpless feeling I have felt over and over. For a few months, I was depressed and went through a stage where I did self harm, it wasn’t the first time, I had when I was younger also but thought nothing of it. I had burnt myself with a cigarette on purpose when I was 13 or so. But this time when I was 16, I was using razor blades and had many lacerations on both wrists but more so on my right due to being left handed. I would get lightheaded and feel sick because it was always a weak spot for me, but I did it anyways because I was numb to it after a while. Looking back now from what I know, it was due to the sexual abuse, and the neglect that made me not love myself or feel like “damaged goods” and that was a way to cope with that pain through dissociation. I was in a hospital for a week for that, I got into writing poetry which helped. After a week I got out and didn’t cut anymore but it didn’t solve the problems or heal the pain from the past because it still wasn’t targeted. I NEVER wanted to die, I was dealing with pain that was buried from the past and it was trying to come out, but my brain was protecting me from dealing with it at the time until it was ready. After all I had been through I was extremely unhappy and felt unloved and damaged. After being in foster care numerous times, and not feeling important to your parents, you begin to wonder if you’ll ever be able to trust anyone, because parents are supposed to be the most trustworthy people in a child’s life who teaches them about the world.

Off and on after that I would have some problems with anxiety but nothing major until September of 2012 when I began having flashbacks and thoughts linked to the flashbacks that I couldn’t shake so I went to a therapist who diagnosed me with PTSD which I later found out it was C-PTSD due to it being multiple traumas that I dealt with and needed to work through from other peoples poor choices and how they affected me. Just when I thought my life had finally calmed down, then it decides to come out and floor me and cause all kinds of problems that never existed before which of course there are many symptoms with PTSD that makes it hard to live with. I know recovery is possible it takes time and hard work, but will be well worth it. I plan to help kids and even adults who have dealt with the same stuff to give them somewhere to turn, when I needed somewhere and had nowhere to turn.

About 2 weeks after experiencing flashbacks, I began going to church. Got baptized November 11, 2012 and became a member of my church the beginning of this year with my girlfriend. It has helped me feel grounded and has shown me how much God loves us. I am playing a part in our Easter play, I am a roman soldier who helps arrest Jesus and puts the thieves and Jesus on the crosses. It feels good to be a part of something good, and positive. I constantly listen to Christian music and read scripture. In this life, when you have no where else to turn or especially when times are well, turn to God, He is always there and will not turn His back.

A couple of my favorite Christian songs right now are: Strong enough, and Hello my name is by Matthew West. This Man, and There will be a day by Jeremy Camp. Boasting by Lecrae

Check them out, you won’t be disappointed!

PTSD; reaching out for help is not a sign of weakness

There is no surprise in the fact that most people are taken back when someone discloses the fact that they have been diagnosed with PTSD; mainly being because most of the general public only know about PTSD being caused by combat trauma, which is true; but far from being entirely true. Any traumas can cause a diagnosis of such, whether it be child abuse, bullying, sexual abuse, rape, domestic violence, automobile accidents. It can range from a variety of causes but one thing is certain in all cases; they should never be taken lightly and help should be received as soon as drastic changes are noticed. The sooner the intervention and treatment, it could change a lot of things, recovery time and the amount of symptoms even. PTSD symptoms come out in a variety of ways; anger, mood swings, fear, anxiety, panic attacks, hyper vigilance, intrusive thoughts, nightmares, sweating, inability to eat or sleep, avoidance of things that caused no problems prior to the surfacing of the symptoms, emotional numbness, dread, fear of being alone, feeling isolated and like no one cares. And there are many other symptoms, as it effects different people different way. But symptoms can surface alone, or maybe a few or even a lot. Obviously the more symptoms, the more distress and discomfort one would experience and would make recovery even more difficult at times because you’re not certain on where to start.

When I say we should seek treatment immediately, doesn’t mean that children aren’t taken to counseling when they should be, because that happened in my case. Even when I was taken to counseling a couple times, my parents never mentioned past sexual abuse and all of the chaos I witnessed during my childhood; and how’s a young kid supposed to know what to say or how to put certain events into words. But help should be sought after once you realize things aren’t quite right or you’re getting certain reactions around people, places, or things that you didn’t before which make you feel out of control or afraid. Different things are considered “triggers” which can be almost anything to anyone. From people, places, and things to smells, noises, holidays, as I said pretty much anything can be a trigger. But what is hard sometimes is figuring out why those things are a trigger or sometimes it is very easy to figure it out but it doesn’t make it any easier to deal with. PTSD sometimes is acute and lasts a few weeks or a couple months, or maybe its not acute but happens a few months or years after the event and you have to get help or in my case it was delayed onset, I had anxiety issues in the past, but thought I was over that stuff, I felt great up until it exposed itself. Which happened 19-20 years after the sexual abuse and approximately 11 or 12 years since the last significant trauma. I witness traumas in 2 of my professions but have never struggled with letting that stuff go.

One of the most significant reasons that make PTSD so hard to handle is because as most know, it takes about 3 weeks to establish a “habit” good or bad. So when you’re continually under stress and having reactions as though you’re in danger, fear filled and maybe even avoiding certain triggers, it strengthens over time. So in about 21 days its then a habit and avoiding certain things and the feelings of fear are even more so enforced. Whether you are expecting certain triggers or not, they still trip that bodily response, more so if you’re not expecting them. It is so difficult to live filled with fear and certain things being “triggers” when they never were before the trauma decided to surface. It is important for the sufferer and others around them to know, the symptoms they experience has nothing to do with the person or who or what they are about. It is put simply as being a normal reaction to abnormal events that have happened to you. It doesn’t mean the person with PTSD is anymore prone to crimes and doing negative things in society as anyone else. You see more “normal” people committing crimes in society more so than post traumatic stress disorder sufferers. So that just goes to prove, we aren’t any more so of a danger to society as anyone else in this world. Just have been survivors of unfortunate circumstances in this journey we call life.

There is no possible way to speed up the brain, to handle these events if they weren’t handled back when they took place. The human brain will start to bring them out for you to handle them when you are ready to. In my case I was symptom free of anxiety and felt great I felt like I was on top of the world for the 2 years leading up to PTSD surfacing through flashbacks and being filled with fear and avoiding certain things. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t concentrate. I lost 30 pounds in a month, I looked and felt horrible. But told myself I wouldn’t resort to drugs and alcohol, because I’ve seen what that can do to a persons life also, as I was impacted by my parents addictions. Speaking of addictions, that is a way that many people with unresolved trauma go about “handling” their problems, they use drugs and alcohol to help suppress their problems. Not only drugs and alcohol, but sex, money, exercise, work, pain, and eating are other addictions people use to “cope” with their underlying problems. Resorting to any of those things, just delays the recovery process and your brain from dealing with what it has to deal with to get you past it and thriving in this world.

Recovery is possible, it won’t be easy, it will take hard work and not giving up. Patience and understanding. But it will be well worth it, I’m positive. Anyone who suffers from PTSD can look back at their life and see how the trauma has affected them throughout their lives without them even realizing it. If you found it possible to thrive back then when it was present but more subconscious, imagine what life would be like with it all dealt with and handled in a healthy way. Reach out for help if you are struggling or have experienced something that is causing you to feel just not right. Getting help IS NOT a sign of weakness but a sign of strength because you know something isn’t right and you want to handle it the right way. Talk to your family about some of the stuff if they are supportive, talk to a friend or two, or your boss, pastor, spouse, talk to anyone who will be understanding and supportive because it will begin to take its toll on those around you also; not just yourself. And you may feel numb or like you don’t care, but try to put it into perspective; when you’re through the woods so to speak, do you want those people by your side still or not?

I’m going to close for now, but PTSD should not be taken lightly, it is a very significant disorder and effects millions of people every year. Help is out there and don’t be afraid to reach out. They have help hotlines and trauma specialists for a reason and its to help people like you and I in a time of need. As permanent as it may seem, it is only temporary, don’t allow something temporary to cause you to do something that will be permanent.

God Bless and I will posting more again soon. Thank you for reading!

John 4:18

Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of punishment, and this shows that we have not fully experienced his perfect love.

Hebrews 13:5,6

Don’t love money; be satisfied with what you have. For God has said, “I will never fail you.
    I will never abandon you.”  So we can say with confidence, “The Lord is my helper,
    so I will have no fear.
    What can mere people do to me?”