The Further I Get In Recovery, The More I Realize…

Well a while back I stated “I was back”….and then to no surprise I disappeared off of the blogging map again. With some life stressors, working a lot, and also a giant piece of news that myself and my fiancee will be welcoming our first child in about 2 weeks. A baby boy, which we are very excited about. With all that being said I have been working like 50 hours a week and as a letter carrier, it is a job that can wear you out. But for the most part I enjoy it, just wish more old timers would retire so more of us CCA’s would be promoted.

With preparing to bring a child into this chaotic and traumatic world, I have found myself on edge a lot more, partly from being tired, and partly because its quite triggering to be responsible for another human being, when you were abused and neglected as a child. Knowing what happened to you and then thinking it “could” happen to them makes you feel very powerless….again.

But one thing I have been thinking about a lot lately is how as humans we long for close relationships, but yet if you’ve experienced traumas from close relationships you may fear closeness and keep people at more than an arms distance and any time someone comes into our “bubble” we get defensive and hypervigilant. We don’t trust others easily as we have seen and experienced the ugliness in some people, and also we don’t always feel we can trust ourselves, even if we know our heart and our motives, childhood traumas showed us that we sometimes made the wrong choices and decisions, and so we fear it could happen again.

I finally overcame the barrier of allowing someone behind my walls, that are still very firm and in place, and it feels good to not think she is out to get me every time we are apart. But it would be nice to get to a place where I can be close with other men and women, and have intimate friendships to where I let them in and vice versa and can experience deep friendships. I had friendships in high school that I would have considered deep and meaningful, but at the time I didn’t know my past was affecting me so much or that my behavior problems were a result of abuse and neglect. So I never brought my past up much, as I tell my therapist from time to time, as far as I knew what happened, happened and it was in the past and wasn’t necessary to be dealt with, in my eyes it already was. Which very well could have been because when I reached out about some things I went through weren’t validated, and were brushed aside so I learned that it wasn’t important. But one thing I hope to continue to work on is allowing others close to me, realizing that not everyone has ulterior motives, some people are safe, and last but not least I am an adult now, and even though we all make poor choices, we can trust ourselves to keep us safe because we aren’t as helpless as we were as children.

God bless you all and hope we can all continue to heal together.

Been M.I.A For A While, But I’m Back

As we all know, life can sometimes take you away from doing things you enjoy and in this case I am talking about blogging. I planned to post at least once a week, and I was doing good, and then work, the fire station, and other things seemed to creep in and take priority, that and I was in school which I am taking 8 weeks off to try to figure out what I want to go for. I always feel like I am doing so good, and then I start something new which adds to the stress level and it ends up causing me to become overwhelmed, which clearly shows I have more healing to do before I put too much on my plate. With a small support system because of my chaotic childhood and having no family close it is nice to get on here, expand on the knowledge I have gained through life and healing and also gain more insight from other bloggers, and survivors. We all have good things and bad things in our lives that have shaped us into who we are. Some things we like, and some were painful and less desirable, which makes some things easier to talk about than others. And most don’t like being judged or talked about in a negative manner, so it keeps us from reaching out or doing all that we could because in doing that and reaching more people, it may be necessary for us to expand on our own stories out in the public eye. I am not quite ready for that, but am working towards it, with a desire to help others and a sense of urgency. Because as survivors of traumas like childhood abuse, whether it be physical, emotional or sexual, or all 3, the child wasn’t responsible, so we shouldn’t hold that responsibility once we reach adulthood because we weren’t in control, we didn’t have the knowledge or ability to do the “right” thing at that time. So I just want to encourage everyone with similar stories as mine, keep putting one foot in front of the other, strengthen your faith, find your value in our Savior and not in the world or people around you, and do whatever it takes to regain a higher self esteem, and sense of worth. Whether that be therapy, blogging, exercising, volunteering, or all of the above. Not everyone likes going to therapy or being on medications because of the stigma much like no one likes disclosing being survivors of childhood sexual abuse because of the myths and stigma that follows such events which are false and wrongly placed. But like I said they are false, and I personally encourage you to seek therapy if you feel it will help, it is easy for people who have never been through what we have been through to say negative things or to talk down on things they lack education and knowledge in. That is why they should keep their mouths closed unless they educate themselves first.

You are not alone, and continue to keep your head up and move forward. And as I always say, feel free to share any of my posts as my desire is to help others move in the right direction for healing and finding direction.

 

God Bless

 

#TBT: The Impact of Trauma

Dr. Kathleen Young: Treating Trauma in Tucson

It is Throwback Thursday and that means another post from the past. This is one of my favorite posts and a good place to learn some basics about the effects of trauma.

The Impact of Trauma

I’ve defined what therapists mean when we talk about trauma. Now I’d like to elaborate on its impact and why you might want to seek therapy for help in the aftermath of traumatic experiences. How does it impact a person and what can be done about it?

Trauma impacts many and has further reaching consequences than is usually understood. Kessler et al. (1995) found that 60% of men and 51% of women in the general population reported at least one traumatic event at some time in their lives. Almost 17% of men and 13% of women who had some trauma exposure had actually experienced more than three such events. As a therapist, I expect…

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have you ever felt this way?

We Were Meant To Thrive

 

Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him. —James 1:12

 And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. —Romans 8:28

I haven’t blogged in a few weeks, and most definitely not once a week like I was hoping to do, but here are some of my thoughts:

The title of this post is as it says, and that is Gods’ plan for us. As I know from first hand experience and daily battles, it is hard to sometimes feel as though we are thriving, especially in a life that has been short but packed with many negatives that haunt you day in and day out, as if they stopped for a while or maybe never and then PTSD just continues to make you hyper vigilant and fearful.

Not only surviving but thriving has been on my mind a lot, especially since Thursday evening when I saw my favorite Christian band in concert, which is Casting Crowns. Like a lot of other Christian music whose lyrics dig deep, and chime on the love of Christ, but can still hit home with anyone who knows ups and downs in life. And the trials we may face regardless of how much we love Christ or live to always do our best to do the right thing.  We are still human, we will still know joy sometimes as well as sadness. But as some of you know Casting Crowns new album is titled Thrive and then they have a story behind the huge tree on the cover. But it just goes to show that God wants us to thrive, not to merely survive or squeak by day-to-day.

If you are anything like me maybe you have questioned why you’re here or questioned Gods’ plan for you, or been angry because of what you have endured in this life, asking “Why God, why me?”

But since the Garden of Eden, and the eating of the forbidden fruit, humanity knew our walk in life would never be the same, and also that we have the right to choose, and make our own decisions. And maybe we always try to do the right thing, but that doesn’t mean we won’t be hurt by others, and their poor choices. We all have been on the short end of the stick when it comes to people hurting us and I am sure we all have been guilty once or twice of hurting others. Now I’m not saying a mean comment is the same as abuse, or an attitude is the same as murder, there are extremes. And some effect us more than others. Short term and long-term it all depends on what happened and how much support and care you have gotten after. Now I’ll hit on some stuff that I can relate to and maybe you can too, which is why I even take time to do these posts.

 

As I have mentioned many times before and I’m becoming more and more of an outspoken advocate for Child Abuse victims, I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. I am well aware of the damage that is caused because of it. At the hands of a much older female babysitter when I was around 3-4 years old. And following the abuse, was never given any help for what took place. So at a level of maturity that a toddler has, and the years to come I was left to deal with the after effects on my own and to try to make sense of what happened, which didn’t happen until I was much older. I had very bad anger problems as a child, never knew they were connected. I had “acted out” with other children my age, like 5 or 6 times, because I didn’t know it was wrong. I didn’t even know what it was we were doing, I just knew it had been “taught” to me. No one ever helped me. No one ever told me it was wrong or shouldn’t have happened. No one loved me enough to protect me, no one put their arms around me and loved me unconditionally and showed I could trust them. Not only was I abused as a young child by a babysitter, I was in foster care 3 times which consisted of like 5-6 years between 4 and 12. So not only was I abused but neglected and abandoned by those who should love you the most, which in the end makes you feel ever worse about yourself, like you weren’t good enough or it was your fault.

Not only does hearing of children and adults being abused make me sick to hear or think about, but the way it is minimized and categorized as something aside from abuse is totally asinine. It doesn’t matter if it is a male abusing a female, male abusing a male, or a female abusing a male or female, it is ABUSE, and it is wrong to be viewed as anything else. Children and adolescents are not mature enough or capable of having an adult relationship with someone much older or someone who is an adult. It isn’t possible. So to say a boy who is 3, 4, 5, 8, however old is capable of having a “relationship” with an adult woman or man is ignorant and unintelligent. First off, they aren’t educated at that point, mature enough or have enough knowledge to know what it is that is happening, and it is simply an unfair tug-of-war battle of power by someone much older against someone who is vulnerable.

It’s mind-blowing that a man can abuse a girl, and it is rape or abuse, but a woman can do the same to a boy and it is downplayed. Or minimized as him being lucky, or an initiation and you know what from personal experience, that is how I viewed it for a long time. I never really told anyone because I didn’t think it was a big deal, or I thought once I was older, those things feel kind of good, if I only I were older when she did that…..But the truth is, is  I didn’t know how it would affect me once I realized what was done. I didn’t know that my lack of self-esteem and confidence was because of that. I didn’t realize that I would be diagnosed with PTSD as an adult, and have flashbacks all because of what she did back then. I didn’t know, I would be so angry or that the reason I was is because of that. I didn’t know, it would affect my ability to be close to people, and establish healthy, trusting relationships. I didn’t know, I would internalize it, and be eaten alive by shame and guilt. I didn’t know I would cut and burn myself as a young teenager because I had so much pain inside of me. Not to mention, how often I feel as if I am leading a double life, I am an EMT and a firefighter, here I am every day at work running to people to help their emergencies, and doing all I can to make a difference in their lives, while merely falling apart in my own, wanting to be the rescuer or help people, but I don’t even feel worthy enough to ask for help or to reach out and share my story and bare my face. The desire in me to help other children who are in situations similar to what I grew up in, is burning inside of me, I feel it all the time. But then there is Satan in the back of my head, telling me I am not worthy or that I will be judged or look bad if I speak up. And you know, since trust has always been so hard for me, Satan wins a lot of the time. I start to get my courage up, and have good days and weeks, and feel as if I can change the world, and then Satan tells me, “Man, if you share your story people will think you are weak, less of a man, gay, dangerous to children, and they will minimize it or blame you and you’ll fail and look dumb.” And you know what, this far, he has won. (It’ all fear based and I know I am not alone, its very common among survivors, partially due to the myths that surround child victimization.) Because 99% of people who know me, know nothing about me. They know my name, they know what I do for a living, they know I love Christ, they know where I live or my phone number, but they don’t know my story. They don’t know how hard it is to live a life as if I am okay, and strong because physically speaking, I am well-built and healthy,  but that inside me, I have a void that has never been filled, not yet. That I appear to be strong, and doing well but that’s where people go wrong, someone who is used to hurting they get really good at faking it around people, to keep from drawing attention, and the despair and pain always comes out or emerges when we are alone. I know that Christ can help fill my void, it’s a matter of trusting. It has always been a battle of mine, as far as I can remember. With friends, in my relationships with females growing up, and especially since I was diagnosed with PTSD, I always feel as if people have ulterior motives, whether it’s with me or people close to me. I have extreme difficulty establishing and feeding healthy relationships, in fear of being hurt some way again, instead of risking it, it gets to be easier to isolate but then life is plain and empty. Whether they are romantic relationships with females or just friendships with anyone, growth doesn’t come easy, and I struggle to get close to people or to allow them close to me. It’s a matter of self-doubt because when the traumas happened I couldn’t keep myself safe, and so who is to say I can now? And a matter of fear, of the past repeating itself. Because we may be physically bigger, and stronger but memories don’t know time, so they feel so real.

Another thing that drives me mad, and is internalized by many men, and few women who are abused, is the fear of being “less than” of a man or human, which is much more common in male survivors than women mainly due to society and the fact that mainly women are considered victims and men are referred to as lucky. But what are us “lucky” guys supposed to think of ourselves years later when we are hurting and facing the damage done to us during such encounters. It makes us feel as if we did something to attract the abuse, or that we can’t be real men, because real men protect themselves. Although many times we are young boys, not men. But that’s where memories know no time. The brain doesn’t differentiate the time gap. So in return we become isolated in fear of appearing “vulnerable” again when we never did in the first place, we were just taken advantage of. But in fear of being victimized again or feeling helpless, we keep people at bay, we become rigid in our boundaries and keep everyone out just in case they mean harm or have ulterior motives, we restrict our range of emotions to only anger, and toughness, because if we show love, compassion, tenderness and caring qualities it may appear as if we are weak, or not “manly” enough because those aren’t societies views of masculinity.

So I have a question, how are men supposed to be good fathers and husbands, when the world and societies we live in frown upon men being kind, compassionate, loving, and displaying at times more feminine emotions or qualities. You want children to grow and develop with fathers who are rigid, stern, distant, angry, emotionless, demanding, controlling, instead of with a father who can be child-like and have fun, laugh and play, be loving, compassionate, supportive, and mindful of their children’s needs in life.  Men and women aren’t the only ones suffering because of these guidelines that are taught. The children are paying a high price, a very high price. They are taught at a very young age that boys don’t cry, men are in control always, we are never victims unless you are weak, and it gets passed on and on to future generations, and then a majority of children suffer because those boys turn into men, and those men have sons and daughters and those sons and daughters have children, and if someone like myself isn’t dead set on breaking the cycle it continues to get passed on to their kids, and men forget how to be a real dad, and feel a full range of motions, and be content with being human and having ups and downs, instead of always needing control, and never hurting. Not to mention if those fathers were once victims of abuse, neglect or abandonment and what not and then the internalization of not being a “real man” if ever victimized or hurt, makes a bigger impact on how that man feels about himself and how he relates to the world around him, mostly out of fear, until he continues to grow, learn, and does the work necessary to break through all of those lies that continuously are told to our youth nonstop.

I guess you could look at this way too, outside of fatherhood. Do you want to go to a doctor or have your child go to a doctor who is mean, rigid, disrespectful, lacks compassion and love, and treats everyone poorly? Yeah, I’m sure the answer is no, so why should our boys grow into men feeling the only way they can be real men, is if they do exactly that, and always have control and never be vulnerable. It really blows my mind, and those things need to be changed before more children pay the price.

Just because someone is hurt or victimized as a child or adolescent doesn’t mean they are weak, damaged or less of a man or woman, or incapable of being great human beings and parents. It doesn’t matter if someone is abused by someone of the same-sex or someone of the opposite sex, it’s abuse, none-the-less. Not an act of consensual sex, it’s an act of abuse of power on part of the abuser, for them to know the difference, and know what they are doing, and to do it anyways, to someone vulnerable or uneducated. It doesn’t make a man “gay” or a woman a “lesbian”, and it does NOT mean that they will abuse others. If anything it will keep someone from ever wanting to do something like that, because we know how much pain it causes. And abuse doesn’t make someones sexual orientation, although they say it can cause confusion, which means they may not be comfortable with taking part in sex, because they were introduced to it through abuse, or maybe they are very promiscuous because they relate to sex as love. Or if they were abused from someone of the same-sex, and experienced any pleasurable feelings during the traumatic event, because the body responds through a physiological response, not by choice they may not know why if they are heterosexual that their body responded the way it did, why your body deceives you. They also say that, sexual orientation is determined early on in life, and most people who identify as homosexual, had feelings of being different or of being homosexual before their abuse. But there is a lot of research into what impacts someones sexual identity and human sexuality, and I am no scientist. But there are classes in college regarding such topics.

But those are all very damaging myths, just because a couple fit that mold, it isn’t right to fit all under that judgment, that just adds more weight onto someone who is healing from abuse, and trying to rebuild their confidence and self-esteem enough to carry out Gods’ plan for us. Not any 2 cases are identical, so everyone who has been abused shouldn’t be treated the same, or categorized as dangerous, gay, damaged, less than; doing so is further damaging.

So if you are a survivor I send my prayers and well wishes and I hope this helped, feel free to share it to help others, or if you aren’t, I would advise you to become further educated before you choose to speak freely on a topic such as this, speaking without education would be speaking out of pure ignorance, and makes you look silly once the facts are shown. We can together continue to move forward to help one another heal, and to bring awareness because we have to be the ones to share our stories and stop it. And as we do that we all become better spouses, fathers, mothers, sons, daughters, teachers, coaches, pastors, and friends. Put and keep your trust in Him, He will never leave us nor forsake us.

 

Please share, and educate others!

God Bless

 

 

Just Going To Spill Some Thoughts From My Mind….

 

Proverbs 22:6 – “Start children off on the way they should go, and even when they are old they will not turn from it.

Colossians 3:21 – “Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.

 

I got off of work this morning at 8 am, the typical for an EMT who works 24 hour shifts, 5 days off is nice don’t get me wrong but sleepless nights can take their toll. But on little sleep I came home, watched some TV, posted some quotes and wisdom on social networks for others to feed on and get positive vibes. I proceeded to get a lift in at the fire station and came home to spill out thoughts that I have been tracking in a notebook and think some good can come of them, they all came from knowing darkness, from knowing the enemy’s grasp, and from hitting rock bottom but now that I have figuratively launched off of the river bottom, and began my journey to the mountain top, I intentionally choose to turn my mission to helping others overcome their own real life tragedies and trials. I know it won’t always be easy, and some things will remind me all too much of the wounds that were instilled upon me; “but this too shall pass.” So to begin, and feel free to comment or share my posts if you think they could help someone….

Well first off I start classes on the 23rd, doing online courses through Liberty University, a Christ centered University and I’ll be majoring in Criminal Justice and intend to get some Psychology and Theology courses in there too. I look forward to the doors God will be opening in my life and the lives that will be changed by Him.

One of the biggest things that has been weighing on my mind and is close to my heart would be how the public and even some churches respond to people who have been victimized, or had harm inflicted upon them against their will. The place that Jesus intended to be of the most use for people who have experienced hardship can cause secondary wounding in the lives of those who go their for solace and support, instead of being lifted up and loved they come away feeling even more damaged and defective. (Now bear with me, I’m not speaking of ALL churches, nor am I saying that all churches don’t have their issues or people who will be critical of those in a time of need.) But I have experienced it personally going to church and sharing my story or parts of it, and some reached out but then some kind of acted different towards me or made me feel unwelcome, but they don’t realize the amount of courage it takes to share those traumas and all of that hurt, well unless they experienced something of the same sort or even different and would rather deny it than face it.

That would be the “worldly” way to deal with it, minimize it, suppress and repress, and force yourself to move forward even if it means in a unhealthy and addictive manner(s). The right way takes determination, courage, bravery, and the desire to be better than what you are now and have been because of the damage inflicted upon you. Facing those feelings and memories head on, and allowing yourself the time, however long it may be, to sort through and understand the situation better, to gain knowledge and wisdom to deal and rid yourself of the negative emotions that are all too familiar to those who have experienced abuse, neglect, abandonment, loss, or any other event that can leave scars; and it WILL take time, no matter how impatient you may be, I was that way too and its taken me almost 2 years to start feeling better on a daily basis. Bear with the process, do it right, stay healthy, and reach out to someone, anyone you can trust and you know will support you. Everyone has at least one person even if you may feel you don’t.

 

Furthermore the next topic I want to hit is victimization, whether it be rape, physical violence, sexual abuse, bullying, or whatever the case may be. The point of view and standpoint that society has on victimization is quite sickening, and extremely misunderstood not to say how unhealthy it is. Both for victims and humanity itself.

People of the world think it is okay to lash out with judgment, and unnecessary categorization of those who were taken advantage of or abused, with little to no education of the topic, which is like someone who only knows English telling someone who speaks Spanish fluently that they aren’t pronouncing or enunciating THEIR language properly. It’s way out of line. If you haven’t been there and haven’t taken the time to read and gain knowledge from reliable and legitimate sources, first off you’re not looking very intelligent and secondly who are you to pass judgment or cause secondary wounding to someone regarding something you have no clue about. You can hear things, and believe them, which could include all of the myths surrounding different types of victimization, that are inaccurate or you could take the time, learn the facts that professionals took the time to learn and share, and be knowledgeable in what you feel is important to share with others.

There are a lot of myths surrounding abuses, which include both sexes and does not discriminate. The myths and fears of those who have been victimized may be in the area of, “If I am a real man how could I have been abused?” Is it possible to be a real man when I couldn’t protect myself, or stop it from happening, whether the abuser is male or female. Society tells us that males, no matter the age, and masculinity that you should be able to protect yourself, always be willing and ready for sex regardless of age, and that if you can’t then you must not be a “real” man or you don’t measure up or fit in, which is false. When someone is in a position of authority, a large gap in age, the victim being a child and doesn’t obtain the knowledge to know better and that is taken advantage of, or anything that gives the perpetrator the upper hand over someone has nothing to do with the person being victimized being a fake man or not real, or homosexual or less than as a person or weak. Its a misuse of power and simply uncalled for. People who have been victimized, of both sexes, can fear that people will think that they are a danger around children because of the myth that if it happens to you, you’ll repeat it. Although it does happen, that isn’t always the case and it is an unfair and improper assumption. And there are many other myths and harmful false information out there.

And last but not least for this post I want to discuss another topic close to my heart and an epidemic. It is the fact that society says if you sleep with the most women, you’re more manly or something special. Something else that is far from the truth. People get hurt, lead on and damaged. Not to mention the amount of children brought into this world against their will, and left fatherless or even worse parent-less or aborted. There really shouldn’t be any room for things like this to be occurring, and especially not in the epidemic status that it does. It leaves women left alone to raise children on their own when its a task with both parents. Which lessens the chance of the child being raised properly due to an enormous amount of hours being worked to make ends meet and it leaves a child left astray. But I give single mothers an enormous amount of respect, including mine, although my childhood was far far FAR from easy or ideal, she tried a lot harder than my father.

But the facade in society that more is better and that sleeping with more women is true masculinity, and proves you’re a man, is devastating. It doesn’t just affect you, the little that it may, but it hurts the women and the children if one is conceived during your sleeping around ventures.

The fact that people seem to think beating people up, being very rigid, restricted in showing emotion, only handing out criticism and no recognition to people around you, leaving children fatherless, addictions, and overworking due to the love of money is a true man and proves masculinity at its highest is absurd. And needs to be changed.

Coming from a household as a child that saw tons of dysfunction and knowing the effects of not having a father present while growing up, I would say with experience and knowing other stories of the same that a man who can show more love, compassion, “softness”, solace, respect, range of emotion, his presence and attention, the ability to be child-like at times, and have fun while living life is far more “manly” and masculine. Who cares what “society” says, whoever that may be. Don’t allow what false critics, people with lack of experience and knowledge or their own unresolved trauma or wounds, keep you from being the BEST you, the best person you can be, the best man, woman, father, mother, son, daughter, counselor, friend, employee, or your best representation of Jesus. All of the negative and false characteristics of a “real man” or the same thing that wrongly says what the true definition of “masculinity” is wrong, and causes far more damage than it does do good.

 

Psalm 103:13 – “As a father has compassion on his children, so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him”

I found this helpful and full of wisdom plus it is on topic:

Machoism – This is following what our culture says is manly. So, either you work out a lot, love sports (especially football), hunt or fish, love cars, own a 4-wheel drive, tell nasty jokes, sleep with as many women as possible… or you’re just not a man… or you’re gay.

• This mentality has crept into the church. Every men’s ministry has to be doing something “manly” like this all the time or it’s just lame.
• Not that there is anything inherently wrong with the things on this list (save for the nasty jokes and sleeping with women not your wife). But, if these things are the focus of what you say is masculine, then you have a misguided sense of what God desires for us to be as men

From the following site: http://biblicalmen.com/what-is-biblical-masculinity/

 

 

 

Recovering from Childhood Sexual Abuse: A Christian Response

Love this & makes a lot of good and truth filled points

It’s always the broken souls, that are trying to fix others.

Amen!

Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

It’s only the broken souls, that understand other broken souls.

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I Hope & Pray I Live A Life As Full As Hers. RIP

Even when you have faith, and feed it, life will still get to you

 

 

I haven’t posted in a week or so, just been busy getting things together for school and enjoying my last week off of work due to taking a PTO day on Memorial Day. I’ve been striving hard to feed my faith and stay in the Word to be able to battle the enemy but one thing that has become apparent in my own life and through my love for music with some sharp lyrics from some of my favorite artists such as Lecrae, Tedashii, Andy Mineo, Derek Minor, Trip Lee and many others, is we are all human. We are all His children, and He loves us; but just because you try to do everything right doesn’t mean you won’t see pain, loss, and trials in this life, that sometimes catches you by surprise or left drawing a blank on where to turn next. It is probably why many people would rather not have strong faith in God and just do things their own way because regardless you will still go through hard times so why try to do everything right?

I had an appt with my therapist yesterday, who I started visiting like once every 3 weeks just to stay up on my recovery and get advice or tips on what to do next or things I could change to improve my life and stay headed in the right direction. He told me after we talked that my path to recovery and becoming whole is very normal and I am doing everything right and he couldn’t tell me to do anything that I’m not already doing, to keep blogging, keep helping people, and keep staying focused on the future more than the past. Which feels good to be told something like that when it has taken so much work to get to a point to where I feel I can be hopeful and look forward to the future rather than unwillingly tunnel visioned on the past. I wouldn’t say I am done doing work, because I believe healing from such trauma and moving forward is an ongoing thing and the memories will always be there, whether we like it or not; but we don’t have to feed the past hurt or the sneak attacks of the devil trying to fill us with anxiety, or doubts about ourselves, those around us or God. We can answer with God’s promises to us and faith that everything will work out the way it is supposed to.

I had softball Sunday and I was a bit upset its my 4th year playing and I am one of the better players and I don’t like to lose and they were going to sit me for the 2nd time in 2 weeks for a whole game so others could play, and I just felt it was a smack in the face because after last week they said different people will sit every week so others can play and here I am one of the better ones, and I’m sitting again, already?!

And my fiance said they were all talking about how I had an attitude and stuff, and this and that. And she proceeded to turn it into this huge argument on the drive home because I will talk about anything but sometimes when I am already angry or upset I’d rather wait and she has this way of pushing and pushing until I snap or respond even if it isn’t a good one; and I hate becoming that person, I try hard to stay away from becoming him, but she doesn’t let up, so I feel stuck and that doesn’t work well with me because of what I have gone through. I have developed this bad habit of wanting to leave or the person causing the problem, for them to leave; even if it means ending a relationship to solve it. Which seems a bit drastic but it is a learned behavior from my growing up, and sometimes it feels like the only answer. I refuse to repeat the dysfunction I grew up in, because when I do my part to bring a child into this world, they don’t ask to come into this world let alone dysfunction; just like I didn’t; so I refuse to do the same to another innocent child the things that were done to me, or the lack there of. I know a relationship is all about learning about one another, how compatible you are together, and the important things like how they are with money, how many children they want or if they don’t want any, are they goal oriented or not so much? And there are many other things along the lines of personality and their character.

Another huge thing for us, is she used to bar tend and when we met and was in the atmosphere I wouldn’t be able to date someone in that chaotic atmosphere and the skimpy uniforms. But she had money all the time at her finger tips, so she could pay for everything at once and it wasn’t an issue but when she took the commitment to the relationship, she hasn’t adjusted well so it seems like anymore she is strapped when it comes to money, or going into the negative or not keeping track of expenses, and bills. Which is essentially her problem, we aren’t married but if we are looking to get married, and have a life together then it is important to tackle it now. It is a good habit to pay things off, when you have the money, I have some medical bills I don’t pay on often because I can’t afford it right now, which is reasonable. Could I pay some on them? Yes. But I would be short on money and living very tight so I won’t be reckless and I will pay on them when I have the extra, to where she is used to just paying it all at once and not worrying about coming up short and now she is often because of the lifestyle change. To say the least she gets stressed out and then I get stressed out, because money isn’t everything but it does affect how you live and the stress level. Especially with us considering marriage and bringing children into the world, finances are an important part to have in order and all it seems to do is cause a fight. I don’t want to see her working a 2nd job and us not having a life together because that could cause conflict in the relationship but at the same time money being short on her end regularly stresses her out and myself.

I try hard to stay in the Word, pray daily and follow the plan He has for me and is laying out for me but this just goes to show that even when you’re trying to do everything right, life can still be tough, and stressful. Following God and His plan, doesn’t eliminate trials and conflicts from occurring in your life and God and His Word isn’t meant to be a crutch in hard times like I found out before, I thought before following Him would make everything better, and now I know there is more to it than that. Which doesn’t make it anymore desirable but makes it all the more worth it. I guess what I am saying is, I’m striving to continue healing, to not get caught up in the negative of my past, the stigma of what I went through, and other people’s opinions, and to continue working to free myself from the past, but at the same time trying not to be pulled into the undertow by current issues either, because anyone who has dealt with trauma knows stress makes everything worse, and your ability to cope.

I am trusting that He will display His Plan to me, and guide my footsteps to be used by Him and my story to help others. Regardless of what is in my past, it can be used to help others, and it doesn’t have to define me, which a lot of the times people who have gone through similar things as I have we feel it does define us because it takes up so much of our life and attention and work to move beyond it.

“Lord, I know I can’t do it all on my own, I have tried before and fell short. I look to you daily, sometimes not as much as I know I should, and for that forgive me. I pray you continue to guide my path, straighten my ways that are not comparable to how you would like them to be. I know the plan you have for me is much bigger than my past, and my pain, that I am not defined by that negativity and that you will use me to help others. Please help me to look to you more often, urge me do so. And send the Holy Spirit to fill me and keep my mindset based on improving my life and the life of others, and filled with only the positive, help me to always fight off the enemy with your promises. I also pray for those who are lost or who are struggling with their past, or with current trials, I pray they look to you and receive the guidance in their lives.

And in Jesus’ name I pray. Amen”